


The Life for Which You Are Looking

by hmweasley



Series: Life Keeps Going [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angsty Remus Lupin, Anti-Werewolf Prejudice, Bisexual Remus Lupin, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Friendship, Gay Sirius Black, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Marauders' Era, Minor Remus Lupin/Original Male Character(s), Minor Sirius Black/Original Male Character(s), Remus Lupin Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-06-14 12:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 75,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15388614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hmweasley/pseuds/hmweasley
Summary: As his seventh year begins, Remus feels as if his life has become little more but a countdown to despair. War is raging outside the walls of Hogwarts, and werewolves are increasingly siding with Voldemort, which has extinguished any hope Remus had of getting a decent job, even with Outstandings on all of his N.E.W.T.s. His expectations aren't high, and they may just get even lower.





	1. The Beginning of the End (As Far as We Can Tell)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this story for a year. Since I began writing it about two weeks before I left for Japan, it feels heavily tied to my life in Japan so far even though the story itself has nothing to do with Japan or my experiences here. It's strange to be sharing it with other people because of that.
> 
> An important note about the number of chapters: This story has 25 "real" chapters. However, there are also going to be twelve of what I've taken to calling interludes. The real chapters are in Remus' POV, but the interludes are in the POV of various characters. While all of them happen chronologically with where they're placed in the story, some of them have a more direct influence on the actual plot than others. Those will be posted as their own chapters, and I'll label them as interludes when I post them.

"She answered,  
'Gilgamesh, where are you hurrying to?  
You will never find the life for which you are looking.  
When the gods created man  
they alloted to him death,  
but life they retained in their own keeping."

— Epic of Gilgamesh

Though Remus sat in an otherwise unoccupied compartment, no one asked to sit with him as the train filled with more students. Everyone but the first years knew he was waiting for his three best friends, and no one was eager to be kicked out of a compartment by James Potter and Sirius Black once they arrived. They’d be sure to make it a little embarrassing for the student in question.

It was for the better that the other students were leaving him alone. Remus was in a decidedly bad mood. The train ride to Hogwarts had been a time of joy for him since his second trip when he’d been assured that he would have friend to sit and laugh with the whole way to school.

While he didn’t like being in a bad mood, he couldn’t snap himself out of it. He’d been crankier than usual for months, and he was starting to worry that it wasn’t outside forces causing it but that his lycanthropy was getting the better of him. Years of nightmares that his wolf would overtake _him_ haunted him.

He was ripped from his thoughts by commotion caused by none other than his three best friends. He rolled his eyes. They’d arrived less than a minute before the train was set to leave the platform.

He hadn't been worried.

The door flung open, and Remus scowled as if he couldn’t do any differently.

“Moony!”

James was the first to shout his name as if they weren’t in a small compartment, but Sirius and Peter echoed the gesture a second later.

“Hey, guys,” Remus muttered.

It didn’t escape their notice that his response was far from enthusiastic. Sirius plopped down too close for comfort when Remus would rather have been left alone. He cringed when Sirius tossed an arm over his shoulders, and he knew that was the only reason Sirius didn’t tug him closer.

Sirius’ instinct was to show affection through touch, something that had perplexed Remus since he’d learned of Sirius’ family. It had also been something Remus had needed to grow used to after his isolated childhood.

Get used to it he had, but he still had little patience for it when he was feeling frustrated.

“What’s up, Moony? You’re looking dour today.”

At Remus’ glare, Sirius withdrew his arm from his shoulders and held up his palms, but he still remained close.

“Sorry.”

Though his tone made it sound as if the apology were a joke, Remus knew from the intensity of Sirius’ gaze that he was being inspected for answers.

“Is it about your mum?” Sirius asked.

Remus didn’t provide an answer. Instead, he angled his body away from Sirius, avoiding the gazes of his friends by looking out the window.

The train was chugging along. They’d left Greater London for the fields that would be outside the train for most of the trip.

Though he wasn’t looking at them, Remus could visualize the silent conversation his friends were having. James was glaring at Sirius; Sirius had started out stubborn but was beginning to look guilty for having asked the question. Peter, meanwhile, was looking between the three of them as he waited for something to happen.

“You can talk to us,” James said softly.

He’d scooted along the opposite bench until he was across from Remus, who had turned his face even more towards the window.

“I know. Everything's fine.”

He didn’t care if it was an obvious lie. No matter how obtuse and insensitive his friends could be in other ways, they’d follow his lead if he put his foot down.

Sure enough, James hesitated before giving a short nod and leaning back into his seat.

Remus had almost forgotten Sirius was beside him until the other boy wrapped his hand around his forearm and squeezed it briefly. He withdrew his hand a second later.

“What did you three do this summer?” Remus asked, turning to look at them for their answer.

“Not much,” James said with a shrug.

He was reluctant to give the actual answer when they knew what Remus had been dealing with at home while they were running around together.

They’d come for the funeral and played pretend for Remus’ Muggle relatives. He hadn’t let them stay longer than that.

“Sirius snuck off with Muggle girls so often we barely saw him,” Peter quipped.

“How many times do I have to tell you that you have it all wrong?”

James and Peter laughed.

“Right, Padfoot,” James said. “You were actually running off with just one Muggle girl. Strange that you wouldn’t let us meet the girl who captured your affections all summer, though, isn’t it?”

“I didn’t say that either,” Sirius muttered, looking away.

If he weren’t still sitting close enough that their bodies brushed, Remus might not have thought much of his reaction. But Remus did feel him stiffen. He turned to face Sirius, a question on his tongue, but Sirius was recovered fast.

“James is just unhealthily interested in my love life because it makes him feel better about his repeated failure with a finger who we all know and love.”

Remus snorted, feeling marginally lighter than before. This was familiar territory. He could handle this.

“Love?” he said. “Sirius, she hates you more than she does James.”

“Hate is a strong word,” Sirius said. He placed a hand over his heart. “And no matter how she feels about me, I’ll always be fond of Evans and her special ability to turn James into a complete and utter idiot.”

James muttered a few choice words, crossing his arms against his chest.

“No one makes me an idiot,” he protested, but the end of his sentence was drowned out by the laughter of his friends. Pouting, he lifted his chin to stare at Remus’ trunk on the shelf above them.

“I have to go,” he said a few seconds later. “Apparently, Head Boy duties begin on the train. Who would’ve thought? You coming, Remus?”

Remus nodded, thankful for the chance to escape the compartment.

It felt strange watching James pin his new Head Boy badge to the front of his shirt. All four of them stared at it for a second, though it was only Remus who hadn’t seen it yet.

It was Sirius who broke the silence with a short, barking laugh.

“I still can’t believe Dumbledore trusted you with that thing,” he said.

Truthfully, Remus couldn’t either. He had half-believed he was being lied to when he’d received three shocked letters from his friends all on the same morning.

“Neither can I,” James said with an uncomfortable shrug.

“It suits you,” Remus said, not sure how much it was the truth.

He’d had no desire to be Head Boy, he reminded himself. His annoyance was rooted only in the fact that James had managed to get the position without the two years of hard work Remus and the other prefects in their year had put in. It had nothing to do with James himself.

He would never have said his immediate reaction to the news out loud. James was already plenty aware of it and didn’t need the reminder. Remus had never seen him as nervous as he was with the badge on. He squared his shoulders as if he were about to enter a war zone.

“Evans will be Head Girl, won’t she?” Sirius asked with glee. “Nothing else makes sense.”

James shoulders drooped.

“Probably,” he said in a pained voice. “She’s not going to like this.”

He motioned at the badge.

Remus took pity on him. Standing, with his own prefect badge pinned to his shirt, he clapped his friend on the shoulder.

“Dumbledore made the decision, not you. Lily respects Dumbledore. She can’t blame you for something the headmaster did.”

That didn’t mean she wouldn’t, of course, but that went unspoken as James gave a short nod.

“Let’s go,” he said, walking out of the compartment without looking back.

Remus hurried after him, feeling like they looked conspicuous hurrying down the corridor at the speed they were. James’ nerves kept pushing him faster and faster.

They reached the prefect compartment in no time. Only a few of the other prefects were inside when they arrived, but Lily was one of them, looking bored until she recognized them.

Her eyes snapped to James’ badge as if she’d known it would be there.

“Mary was convinced it would be you.”

The other prefects talked amongst each other,not eager to get involved in the dispute they sensed brewing. It was common knowledge that Lily and James didn’t get along with each other or, rather, that Lily didn't get along with James.

Remus did a quick sweep of the compartment, relieved to see the prefects present were fifth years. Severus Snape was nowhere to be found. Remus suspected that he’d done his required duties before making himself scarce if the rumors of what had happened between him and Lily had any merit.

Sometimes, there were people Lily disliked more than James.

“Sorry,” James said, voice cracking. “I didn’t ask for it.”

Lily raised an eyebrow at him, the edges of her lips creeping upward in amusement.

“No one accused you of asking for anything,” she said. “Doing so would ruin your precious reputation.”

James shrugged. He was as stunned as always to have Lily in front of him, but he was starting to feed off the somewhat positive conversation they were having. His overly confident persona was taking over.

“My reputation is far too good to be ruined by something like this badge.”

Lily rolled her eyes. She took a sheet of parchment from a folder she clutched in her hands and handed it to James before tugging out another that she handed to Remus.

“Lists of your duties,” she said. “I’ve already made a schedule for September’s patrols. They’re there too.”

“But you didn’t know it was me,” James says, looking between Lily and the sheet of parchment. “How did you do this? And why didn’t you wait for me to help you?”

Lily shrugged.

“I knew the Head Boy wasn’t a prefect from McGonagall’s letter with my badge. All I did was plan for it to be anyone. And took Quidditch into account. Just in case.”

James stared at her dumbly, but Lily didn’t notice as she shuffled through her papers.

“You’re the last two to show up,” she said, lacking the frustration over it that Remus would have expected when James was involved. “You don’t need to stick around. I’m about to go find Mary.”

Remus glanced at the gathered fifth years, all of whom were getting along well. He counted a Gryffindor and two Hufflepuffs, and all three of them were ignoring the seventh years.

“We’ll walk with you then,” James suggested with a grin. “It wouldn’t do to have you wandering the corridor alone.”

Lily leveled him with her sharpest glare yet.

“At just past eleven thirty in the morning when I hold more power than anyone on this train except you?”

She gave a short laugh.

“I’ll be fine, thanks.”

She stomped off, and James had enough sense not to say anything as she went. As soon as the door slid shut behind her, James began tugging at his hair.

He muttered a few words that made the fifth years glance his way.

“Sorry,” Remus said on James’ behalf.

He took ahold of James’ sleeve and tugged him out of the compartment.

When the door shut behind them, a curtain cutting off view of them from the inside, James deflated.

“How do I get her to talk to me?”

“You don’t _get_ her to do anything,” Remus said, already heading down the corridor. “You're Head Boy and Girl. You’ll have to talk to each other for your duties if nothing else. If she decides she wants to talk to you more, great, but you’ll only make her hate you more if you force it. Don’t forget, you’ve tried it before.”

James let out a dramatic sigh from behind him. His feet scuffed against the floor as he followed Remus.

“I don’t want to force her to do anything. What I meant was, I don’t know what to say to her whenever we _do_ talk. I try, but I make her mad without meaning to. I guess I kind of used to mean to because it kept her talking to me, but…”

He growled in frustration.

“I don’t know how to have a normal conversation with her. How do I keep her from glaring at me?”

Remus sighed and turned to face James. His hair was a complete and utter mess. It looked like he’d rolled out of bed and never touched a hair brush.

“Just talk to her how you talk to anyone else.”

James raised his eyebrows.

“But she’s not anyone else! She’s Lily Evans. If I talk to her like everyone else, how is she supposed to know I like her?”

“Trust me. She doesn’t need you to remind her of that anymore.”

He reached out to tug on James’ robes to get him walking again, and James complied.

“You have plenty to talk about. Talk to her about the same things you talk to us about. Go on about Quidditch and Transfiguration. Though maybe leave out the constant reminders of how much you like her that you subject us to.”

“Butー”

Remus held a hand in front of James.

“She knows already. Maybe it seems flattering to you, but I don’t think anyone needs to be told someone likes them that many times so publicly. It's annoying, Prongs. How would you feel if one of the girls in our year—someone who wasn’t Lily—couldn't stop telling you how awesome you are and wouldn't stop when you told them to?”

For all of James’ bravado, Remus wasn’t surprised that the supposedly arrogant boy looked less than thrilled at the idea of a persistent admirer.

“Point taken,” he said, his shoulders slumping.

Remus reached out to clap him on the shoulder.

“It’ll be fine,” he said. “I promise.”

* * *

 

“The first class of our last year. Can you believe it?”

“Yes,” Remus said, rolling his eyes at Sirius’ back. “You’ve only reminded us of it once or twice this morning.”

Sirius laughed, tossing a grin over his shoulder.

“Excuse me for thinking about the future for once, Moony.”

“You’re thinking now? What brought that on?”

Sirius abruptly stopped walking, causing Remus to crash into him from behind. Peter laughed, and even James smirked in amusement, though he reached out to steady Remus before he toppled over. Sirius looked proud of himself as he turned to face a glaring Remus.

“From time to time, I do like to switch my brain on.”

His smirk fell a fraction.

“Honestly,” he continued, “in less than a year, we’ll be free men. No more school, homework. No more teachers. We can do whatever we want.”

“Are you complaining or excited?” James asked. “Because I can’t tell.”

Sirius shrugged.

“A bit of both, I suppose.”

He tapped his chin.

“I’ve been waiting to be an adult my entire life, but what are we supposed to do out in the world? I can’t make a living off pranks.”

His eyes widened.

“Can I?” he asked himself.

“No,” Remus shot back. “You definitely can’t.”

Sirius pretended to pout but gave up on the performance within seconds. Students streamed past them, coming and going from their classes. A few first years passed, looking lost, and James stopped to point them in the correct direction. The entire time, Sirius was eerily quiet.

“What am I going to do after Hogwarts?” he asked once the other students had disappeared.

Remus’ stomach churned at the question. Truthfully, he couldn’t imagine Sirius doing much of anything with his penchant for rule breaking and not taking anything seriously, but his lack of an answer wasn’t what bothered him most.

“You’ll figure something out, Padfoot,” answered James. “It’s not like I have anything figured out either.”

Sirius laughed.

“Right, but you have a fortune, mate. Your mum and dad will give you an allowance, and it’ll be more than enough. We,” he motioned between himself, Remus, and Peter, “don’t have that. We’ll have to actually work for a living.”

Bile stung at the back of Remus’ throat. He angled his face away from his friends as they walked.

“You could always hope your parents both croak this year,” Peter said. “They haven’t taken you off their will, have they?”

Sirius scowled, and Peter shrunk away from him as if he’d been scolded.

“I have no bloody idea. I’m not sitting around to wait for the bastards to die. If they haven’t written me out of it, I’d be shocked. I wouldn’t even want their money after everything. I’d rather be on my own.”

“As admirable as that is, Padfoot,” Remus said, stepping forward to insert himself between Sirius and Peter, “it _does_ mean you need to figure out what you’re going to do. Without your inheritance, working is the only way you’ll eat.”

Sirius let out a long, exaggerated sigh. They were nearing the Transfiguration classroom; there wasn’t much more time for conversation.

“You could be an Auror,” Peter said. “I think that would be cool. Or working in the Department of Mysteries, imagine what you’d learn down there. Sometimes I think owning a shop would be cool. Maybe in Hogsmeade. That way it’d be quiet most of the year, and I could live above the shop. That sounds nice too, but I don’t know what I’d sell.”

James laughed.

“I think Wormtail’s problem is the exact opposite of yours, Padfoot.”

“What about you then?” Peter challenged James. “What will you be doing after Hogwarts?”

James’ grin turned into a small, contemplative frown.

“I’m with Padfoot. I don’t have a clue. Nothing sounds right.”

Sirius wrapped an arm around James’ shoulders with a dangerous smirk.

“‘With’ me? Right,” Sirius said. “You still have the rich parents. Merlin knows your mum would keep giving you all the gold you need for however long you want it.”

James shrugged off Sirius’ arm, his cheeks a light pink

“Okay, I get it. We’re in different positions.”

Sirius raised one eyebrow. He hadn’t expected the joke to embarrass James, but he wouldn’t look any of them in the eye anymore.

“It’s nearly time for class,” he muttered, pushing past the others to hurry into the Transfiguration room.

James had busied himself with removing his Transfiguration supplies from his bag when the others joined him at the back of the classroom. With a sigh, Remus tugged out his own things, thankful that Sirius was willing to pose questions like, “Do you think McGonagall will actually give us more homework this year?” to distract them.

His pouting in response to Remus’ firm, “Yes,” pulled a smile from James, and things were quickly back to normal.

So much so that McGonagall began the class with her usual sharp glance in their direction. Sirius and James smiled at her in innocence, while Remus didn’t bother to hide his eye roll.

“This year,” McGonagall began, commanding the room’s attention, “will be the most important year of your schooling, as I am sure each of you is aware. In June, you will sit your N.E.W.T.s, the outcome of which will determine your future. I don’t want you to be alarmed. Alarmed students never do well on exams. Hardwork will pay off, and if you complete each of the assignments I give you at an appropriate level, I assure you that your Transfiguration mark will be satisfactory.”

James, Sirius, and Peter sniggered at the thought that they wouldn’t pass Transfiguration, though Peter had shuddered at McGonagall’s words.

“This is not a test you begin preparing for in May, or even in January, and expect to pass with flying colors. In many ways, you’ve been preparing since your first year, but those preparations will intensify.”

She paused to look at each and every one of the students. The class was much smaller, of course, than the Transfiguration classes of their earlier years. Only a quarter of their year had continued their Transfiguration studies after OWLs.

“Over the coming months, I want each of you to remember that you wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think you capable of earning a N.E.W.T. in the subject, but I also won’t pretend that any of you can fly through your N.E.W.T.s with only minimal effort.

“And don’t slack on your other subjects either. Transfiguration is no more important than the other N.E.W.T.s you’re taking.”

“She wouldn’t be saying that if any of us had bothered to stick with Divination,” James muttered just loud enough for the other Marauders to hear.

Peter’s giggle almost caught McGonagall’s attention, but he sucked it in before she’d turned to face their direction again, his face red from the effort.

The rest of the lesson was McGonagall’s attempt to show them how serious her words had been. Remus struggled through it, feeling an increasing sense of panic.

Only Sirius was at ease throughout the lesson. As they practiced their spells, he leaned back in his chair, dropping it back down onto four legs whenever McGonagall glared at him and promptly leaning back again when she looked away.

“What’s annoying,” he complained as he pushed his chair halfway off the ground, “is that McGonagall won’t be the only professor like this. We’re going to listen to that same speech in every lesson this week. Thank Merlin I didn’t bother with Potions after O.W.L.s. I can’t imagine having to listen to Slughorn go on about the importance of hardwork when the hardest thing he’s ever done is flatter the right people. Good luck, Moony.”

Remus, who always found Slughorn faintly disgusting as opposed to amusing like his friends, rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know, Padfoot,” James said, voice dripping in sarcasm, “Dumbledore would never have hired someone with no talent. He must have worked hard at some point in his life.”

Sirius snorted and gave an exaggerated shrug of his shoulders.

“That must have been before he discovered he didn’t have to.”

When the lesson came to an end, Remus was determined to keep his head down, throw his things in his bag, and hurry to his next class, but McGonagall wasn’t having it.

“Ah, Mr Lupin,” she called over the heads of the other students, “a quick word, please.”

Remus’ head shot up, eyes wide. They’d been at the castle for less than a day, and as far as he was aware, none of his friends had done anything detention-worthy. He narrowed his eyes at Sirius and James, who both shrugged.

“Your guess is as good as ours,” Sirius said, hands raised.

They watched him make his way to McGonagall’s desk. If he wasn’t in trouble, Remus had a guess as to what McGonagall wished to discuss. He would have preferred a detention.

“I know you have class in a few minutes,” McGonagall began, hardly sparing Remus a glance as she continued scribbling on some parchment in front of her. “I merely wished to request that you come to my office after classes today. There are some items I wish to discuss with you that we do not have the time for now.”

Already, the third years that made up McGonagall’s next class were filtering in and taking seats at the desks. A few of them moved cautiously around the other three Marauders, who had positioned themselves right inside the classroom door as they waited for Remus.

“Of course, Professor,” Remus said politely. “My last class today is Herbology.”

McGonagall’s nod hinted that she’d already known as much, so Remus didn’t bother to state the time.

“I’ll be free then. As I said, you can come by my office. Before dinner, please, Mr Lupin.”

She levelled him with a stern gaze that dared him to keep her waiting. Remus gave a short nod, self-conscious of the students who were watching him converse with a teacher.

“What was that about?” Sirius asked as soon as they were in the corridor.

Remus kept his steps fast under the pretext of not wanting to be late to their first Charms lesson of the year. His stomach churned with anxiety.

“She wants me to come to her office at the end of the day. To talk.”

James whistled.

“Do you think she has dirt on us from last year and wants to get something out of you?”

It wasn’t a far-fetched theory. McGonagall had tried before to get Remus to rat out his friends, never successfully. This time, though, Remus was certain that wasn’t it. She hadn’t looked at him with the same frustration she had shown when she’d cornered him about such things before, and he knew she had all but given up on Remus aiding her.

“No,” he said simply. “That wasn’t it.”


	2. Dreaming the Impossible Doesn't Make it Possible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders tease Sirius about his summer "adventures", and Remus meets with Professor McGonagall.

The September air wasn’t yet chilly enough to keep them inside during lunch. Remus followed his friends as they hurried outside after shoveling down their meal. There were other students who had done similarly and were scattered around the courtyard. Remus didn’t say much as he perched himself on a low stone wall between James and Sirius.

“I’m telling you,” Sirius said, “this summer was all about exploration and finding myself. I’ve never been more sure of who I am.”

James laughed.

“He’s been saying shit like this for more than a month,” he said, hitting Remus lightly on the arm to get his attention.

From James’ other side, Peter agreed.

“It started when he began seeing that girl.”

“Girl?” Remus asked with one eyebrow raised. “There’s a girl I don’t know about?”

She hadn’t been mentioned in their letters, and if she’d helped Sirius ‘discover’ himself, Remus should have heard of her before. At least once.

“There was no girl,” Sirius insisted with a roll of his eyes.

He leaned in and pretended to whisper in Remus’ ear.

“Prongs and Wormtail kept going on about me disappearing, and when I said there weren't girls, their next guess was that there was just one. As if I would keep a girlfriend a secret.”

He pulled away, saying loudly to James and Peter, “You think I wouldn’t introduce you if she existed?”

James’ smirk didn’t disappear.

“All I know is that you kept sneaking out at weird hours of the night and refused to tell Wormtail or me where you were going. What are we supposed to think you were up to?”

“That I was taking long, solitary walks where I thought about my place in the universe like I told you I was?”

Remus couldn’t help but join in James’ and Peter’s laughter. The idea of Sirius going on walks in the middle of the night just to think deep thoughts was too absurd to be believed. Not long after it had begun, though, Remus’ laughter died. Sirius frowned at them, not smirking in amusement as Remus would have expected him to be. James and Peter didn’t notice, too caught up in their amusement, but suddenly, Remus wasn’t amused anymore.

Sirius caught his eye, and Remus narrowed his eyes. The uncertainty on Sirius’ face was an unusual look on the boy and one that Remus didn’t know how to interpret, but it was quickly replaced by a familiar glint of mischief. Remus braced himself before he knew what was coming.

“We still don’t know what McGonagall wants with Moony here, do we?” Sirius asked, wrapping an arm around Remus’ shoulders and giving him a shake.

His usual smirk had returned at full force.

“Eh,” James said, shrugging it off. Apparently he’d lost interest in the time between Transfiguration and lunch. “It’s probably not a big deal. Maybe she just wants you to watch me, Moony. Make sure I’m doing my job as Head Boy and not planning pranks.”

Remus could see why James would have come to that conclusion. Each time he’d been called upon to take up his Head Boy duties since the welcoming feast, he’d been hesitant about it, hinting at his underlying insecurity, but Remus didn’t think that was McGonagall’s plan at all.

“Who knows,” he said, avoiding eye contact with his friends. “It could be anything.”

 

* * *

 

The end of the day came faster than it did most school days. Putting one foot in front of the other on the way to McGonagall’s office was difficult. It was tempting to turn around and start walking towards Gryffindor Tower instead.

If he wouldn’t have had to face McGonagall eventually anyway, he’d probably have given in. As it was, he could picture her stern, disappointed face the next time she saw him, and he wouldn’t dare put himself on the receiving end of it on purpose.

That didn’t make knocking on her office door any easier. He felt like his insides were going to strangle themselves before he got inside, but he received her, “Come in,” before his own internal organs managed the task.

His hand shook as he pushed the door open.

The inside of McGonagall’s office was the same as it had been since Remus’ first year. Not one thing had been rearranged as far as he could tell. He’d always had the impression that McGonagall wasn’t one to embrace change for the sake of change.

The woman in question was seated at her desk and pouring over some documents. As it was only the first day of the year, Remus hoped they were her own notes and not an assignment of some kind, though McGonagall was one to fly back into work at full speed.

“Mr Lupin,” she greeted him with a quick glance and as warm of a smile as Remus could hope to receive from the stern woman. “Do come in and have a seat.”

She motioned to one of the two chairs sitting in front of her desk. They were hard chairs that were designed to make you feel how long you’d sat in them. Sirius swore they were meant to be part of the punishment, and all four Marauders had spent their fair share of time in them.

They never grew any more comfortable.

Just sitting down did more than expected to calm his nerves. McGonagall was a strict woman, but she’d always been kind to Remus. And despite what Sirius and James claimed, Remus swore she was secretly fond of the lot of them. Even when her punishments felt unduly harsh, Remus knew she believed she was doing good for them, which was more than he could say about some of their other professors.

Suddenly, he wondered why he’d been worried about meeting with her. At least he was for several seconds before she levelled him with her usual intense gaze and he remembered that it wasn’t McGonagall herself who had him worked up.

He tried to look at her directly, but he found himself fidgeting. Her expression turned more sympathetic as she took in his demeanor.

“I assume you’ve guessed why I asked to speak with you?”

In response to his shrug, McGonagall nodded and shuffled the parchment resting on her desk as if she needed something to do with her hands.

“I council each of my students on their future careers. You know that. However, due to your unique circumstances, I thought it wise that we meet more than is typically necessary for students to make sure that nothing is overlooked.”

Remus took a deep breath but didn’t speak.

“I remember the last time we spoke about your future,” she continued. “Have you given it any more thought over the summer?”

She already knew the answer, but Remus shook his head anyway.

He _had_ given it plenty of thought, but said thinking hadn’t led to any conclusions like the one McGonagall was looking for. He didn’t think it would matter even if he’d found one. It wouldn’t have changed the eventual outcome for him.

He heard McGonagall sigh, but he kept his gaze on the edge of her desk, unable to look her in the eye.

“I know you’ve had a very difficult last few months,” she said.

She’d been this gentle only once before. It had been the day she’d told him that he could, of course, go home for a week to help his father prepare for his mother’s funeral.

“No one should have to face what you’ve had to at your age, and it doesn’t help that you’re dealing with it at the same time that you have to make important decisions about your future. That said, Mr Lupin. I’m afraid we do only have so much time before you graduate, and decisions have to be made before then.”

“Surely you’ve had other students who were as clueless as I am during their seventh year,” Remus said, his annoyance getting the better of him. “Sirius was going on earlier today about how he has no idea what he wants to do, and he’s been disowned. It’s not like he’s going to have any money to help him like James will.”

It was quiet for a few moments, and Remus risked a glance at McGonagall, some of his anger dissipating when he saw the concerned crease between her eyebrows and the way her lips were downturned. There were more lines on her face than there were when she was in disciplining mode.

“Be that as it may,” she said, her voice tight, “your case is more unique than Mr Black’s.”

There was silence for a second before she added, “He is likely beyond my help on the career front anyway.”

The comment managed to elicit a small grin from Remus, and McGonagall returned it before regaining to her usual strict expression. She picked up one of her pieces of parchment and straightened her shoulders.

“I’ve spent the summer contacting various businesses and people I know about your wonderful academic performance,” she began.

Remus’ eyes widened in surprise. Merlin knew he hadn’t been contacting businesses all summer. He hadn’t even been reading the classifieds in the _Prophet_ since he’d glanced over them once and found the exercise too distressing to repeat.

“How’s that going?”

His fears were confirmed when McGonagall sighed and averted her eyes from his. For the previous six years, McGonagall had been the most constant, reassuring presence at Hogwarts outside of his friends and, perhaps, Madame Pomfrey. Seeing her unsure of herself made Remus feel more hopeless than before.

“You are very talented, Mr Lupin. There are many jobs for which you would undoubtedly be suited. You’re skilled at Transfiguration and Charms. Professor Sprout has informed me that your Herbology skills are at least decent enough that you could make it in the field if you truly applied yourself to the subject. In every subject that you’ll be taking your N.E.W.T.s in, your professors expect you to earn at least an Acceptable.

“I can’t say that for all of my students,” she added. “That being said, performing well in a subject does not necessarily mean you want to work in that field for the rest of your life. Just three years ago I had a student who was remarkably proficient in Transfiguration. Unfortunately, she decided her purpose in life was to be part of the bureaucracy of the Ministry, hardly using her wand for more than sending off memos to other departments.”

Remus nodded when she looked at him, not sure what response she wanted from him. He certainly wasn’t going to disappoint her by going off to the Ministry. He didn’t dare entertain the notion that he’d be welcome there.

“I know your proclivities are with Defense Against the Dark Arts,” McGonagall continued, grinning slightly. “I have to admit that I’m impressed. Your education in that field has faced so much upheaval that it’s remarkable you’ve grown to love it. Not many do these days.”

“It feels important,” Remus admitted. “Even when I had to listen to Professor Perold go on about werewolves while glaring at me all through class during third year, I still felt like it was stuff I needed to know. Well, everything but the werewolf horror stories.”

McGonagall cringed, remembering the old man who had never liked any of his students.

“Yes,” she said, “I certainly wasn’t sorry to see him go.”

After a second of thought, she added, “Don’t tell any other students I said that.”

Remus mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key, which earned a small smile from McGonagall.

“Have you met Professor Clement yet?” she asked. “No, no,” she hastily added. “Your first lesson with her is tomorrow, correct?”

Remus nodded, trying to discern from her voice whether he should be worried or excited. It was always a toss up when it came to the new Defense professors, and she wasn’t giving him much to go on.

“There’s much work to be found in the Defense field,” McGonagall continued, “if you wish to go in that direction. I’ll speak to Professor Clement about your options. I’m sure she could come up with far more than I, having spent so many of her working years outside of academia.”

“With all due respect, Professor, most of the jobs that value skills in Defense are full of people with a particular loathing for werewolves.”

McGonagall grimaced.

“I’d be remiss if I led you to believe you’re wrong,” she said slowly. “However, I also believe I’d be failing you as a teacher if I told you that was a reason not to chase after what you want.”

Remus shifted in his seat, trying to sort out his conflicted thoughts.

“I don’t think I do want it. Not enough to deal with their prejudice every day.”

He fiddled with the sleeves of his robes.

“I realize I can’t get away from it completely,” he continued, “but maybe I could try something where my co-workers aren’t experts on dark creatures?”

McGonagall observed him for a second before giving a short, decisive nod.

“Very well. That’s not a terrible idea.”

Despite her answer, her frown suggested that the decision disappointed her. Remus wasn’t an idiot, and being constantly derided for who he was had actually made him quite good at identifying what he was good at. McGonagall had recognized his strengths too, and he had no doubt she would have fought tooth and nail to see him succeed at using them. If he would have let her.

But not even an angry McGonagall could cow wizarding society the way she could a classroom of teenagers. Perhaps it was that knowledge that led Remus to admit what he had avoided saying out loud, even to himself.

“I’d really like teaching,” He kept his eyes averted to his lap. “But that wouldn’t be possible. Professor Dumbledore doesn’t hire people right out of Hogwarts. I’d need more experience first, and parents would be outraged. Besides, it’s not like I could keep the Defense job long, could I?”

He braved a glance at McGonagall’s face and took in her furrowed brow and downturned mouth.

“I’m not sure how many true Defense experts there are in Britain who haven’t taken the job,” she admitted, “but at any rate, you’re correct that Professor Dumbledore would prefer a professor who is at least a few years older than the students they’re teaching. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make it your goal for the future.”

Remus nodded, but he knew that that was exactly what it meant. He needed to survive, but no job he could get would set him on track to become a qualified professor. The worst part was perhaps that Dumbledore was one of the only wizards in Britain who could have seen “werewolf” written on his application and not have hesitated to hire him.

“Mr Lupin,” McGonagall began, a new sense of purpose in her voice, “I will get you on track to be the finest Defense professor that Hogwarts has seen for at least the last decade. The world is large, and Defense has a wide array of diversity in its career options. We will find a place for you.”

Remus gave her the smile and nod that she wanted, but he wasn’t convinced.


	3. Don't Pretend You Don't Have Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Lily have a conversation about James. Remus runs into a disheveled (and tight-lipped) Sirius in the corridor, and Lily receives a letter that she's not sure about.

For the past six years, the library had been the most reliable way Remus had of avoiding his friends. Anywhere else in the castle, they would track him down and pester him, but when he was in the library, he was left alone. Not because they couldn’t find him but because they had no interest in sitting around, bored, while he did his homework.

They preferred to do their own studying in the common room, where they could easily become distracted and take longer than needed to complete assignments.

It didn’t help that Madam Pince was no fan of the other Marauders. She hadn’t forgotten the time Sirius spilt hot chocolate on one of her precious tomes in his second year, even if the damage had been quickly remedied with a wave of her wand.

When he came to the library, Remus expected to have time to himself. He’d set himself up in his usual corner and work until he was ready to interact with other people again.

His chosen table was large enough for him to lay out several books and still have the space to scribble on his parchment. A candle flickered above him, giving him a sense of serenity. He was truly in his happy place when he could be like this: flipping through books, learning, and consolidating that knowledge into something of his own.

He hadn’t been lying when he’d told McGonagall that he’d have enjoyed being a professor. There was something about the transfer of knowledge, whether it was from a book to his mind or from his mind to the minds of others, that he found thrilling. Before arriving at Hogwarts, he’d had suspicions that he’d be sorted into Ravenclaw, but he wouldn’t have traded Gryffindor for anything.

Movement caught his eye, and Remus looked up to find Lily consulting the spines of some books on a nearby shelf.

In the several days they’d been back at Hogwarts, he hadn’t gotten the chance to speak with her. They’d been friends for years, but though they’d become closer after both being named prefects, they didn’t speak as much as Remus would have liked. It was difficult to spend much time with someone who hated your best friends.

He knew which category of books she was looking through.

“The Transfiguration essay?” he asked, making her turn to look at him with a small grin.

She nodded, throwing a pointed look at the five books he had stacked on his table.

“Did you take everything on large mammal transfiguration?” she asked in an accusing voice that was, nonetheless, amused.

“Maybe,” he said, pretending to be remorseful.

Lily’s stern expression broke as she gave a short laugh. Remus motioned towards the chair across from him.

“We can share,” he offered.

She settled in without protest, pulling a quill and parchment from her bag before depositing it on the floor. She pulled one of the books that Remus didn’t have open towards herself and began flipping through to find the relevant pages.

They worked in silence for several minutes before Remus noticed the way Lily’s eyes kept flickering towards him before she refocused on the page. He slowly lifted his head after catching the fifth such look. Lily felt his gaze and glanced up again, this time sheepishly.

“What is it?” he asked, feeling the familiar dread in his stomach that he got whenever someone acted nervous around him. He always suspected that it was the worst, and Lily was plenty smart enough to have caught on to his secret after six years.

She fiddled with the quill in her hands, looking down at the yellowed pages of the book she’d been reading instead of at Remus.

“It’s nothing,” she said. “It’s only that I’ve been thinking a lot over the past few days, and, well… Never mind. It really is nothing.”

“No,” he pressed. “What is it?”

With a resigned sigh, Lily sat down her quill, careful not to get ink on her essay. She forced a small, nervous smile onto her lips.

“I’ve had to talk to James for three days straight.”

Remus cringed.

“Sorry about that.”

James had been joyful to the point of absurdity over the past several days, and Remus knew it was because of Lily’s influence. He didn’t dare reveal that to her.

“You shouldn’t apologize on his behalf,” she joked. “But I’m not mentioning it because James did anything wrong, actually.”

Remus raised an eyebrow.

“It’s been three days, and he hasn’t said anything wrong?”

Lily shrugged, sticking out her bottom lip slightly as she thought.

“It hit me today that I’ve never talked to him this much before,” she admitted. “Not for so long and definitely not alone. He’s...interesting when he’s not in front of a crowd.”

Remus snorted.

“It definitely helps when there are fewer people for him to show off for. You can also decrease his obnoxiousness by half if you get him away from Sirius.”

Lily’s smile turned into a smirk.

“I should have figured that much out for myself.”

Remus hummed in agreement, which was enough to make Lily giggle.

“So,” he said, “he really hasn’t done anything too annoying?”

“Not too much,” she said. “I think he’s trying very hard not to. It’s nice to watch him think before he speaks. It’s more silence than I’m used to from a guy who never used to shut up.”

“Are you planning to ask me if it’s all an elaborate ruse to win you over?” he asked.

Lily looked indecisive for a moment before she shrugged. Remus gave a short laugh.

“If he has an elaborate plan, he hasn’t shared it with me,” he told her. “There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s trying to impress you, but it’s not like he’s lying about anything. You’ve always seen the worst in him, and I don’t blame you, but his intentions are good. He’s just absolutely terrible at the execution. Not that it excuses him. I think it’s good that you hold him accountable.”

Lily sighed and rolled her eyes.

“He’s getting better though,” Remus added. “By some miracle, he seems to finally be catching on. You said yourself that he’s not as annoying anymore.

“No,” she said slowly. “He’s not.”

She tapped her quill against her parchment, not noticing as it splattered ink across her essay.

“But I can’t forget everything he’s said in the past. Everything he’s done.”

She chewed on her bottom lip for a second before continuing.

“I don’t want to forgive him.”

Her eyes had narrowed, and Remus leant back in his chair.

“I’d never ask you to forgive him,” he said. “That’s your choice, not something anyone can make you do.”

Lily gave an absent-minded nod, but Remus wasn’t sure that she’d even heard him.

“My friends all adore him. I tried talking to them about it and just got excited squeals about how I should go out with him. Why is it that you, one of his best friends, are the only one who seems to get it?”

Remus snorted.

“Maybe it’s because I’m his best friend that I get it.”

Lily smirked, one eyebrow rising dangerously.

“So you’re telling me he’s a prick?”

Remus knew it was mostly a joke, but he couldn’t bring himself to let it go so far.

“He’s not perfect,” he said. “His heart’s in the right place most of the time, but he screws up and can be a lot to take. Spending time with him can definitely test your patience.”

“If nothing else,” Lily said, “that last part is definitely true.”

 

* * *

 

Remus nearly jumped out of his skin when Sirius appeared around the corner out of nowhere while he was walking down the corridor. Holding one hand over his chest, he glared at the laughing face of his best friend. As Sirius took to mocking him, Remus took in the other boy’s disheveled robes and hair.

“What have you been doing?” he asked suspiciously, causing Sirius’ laughter to die on his lips. “You look like you rolled out of bed and didn’t even try to do anything with your hair.”

Sirius wasn’t as particular about his hair as James tried to be, but Sirius’ hair also didn’t usually stick out at odd angles like James’ did.

“I’m wide awake, thank you,” Sirius replied, clearing his throat.

Remus waited for Sirius to offer a further explanation. When he didn’t, his eyes narrowed.

He glanced around to make sure they were alone before whispering, “Sirius, the last time you were this secretive, I nearly killed Snape, so can you please give me something to go off of here?”

The reminder of the near tragedy of fifth year made sadness flicker in Sirius’ eye. He ran a hand through his hair self-consciously, and unsuccessfully tried to sort it out.

“I was just with a friend,” he said, throwing Remus a self-satisfied smirk.

Remus rolled his eyes.

“That’s all you’re giving me?” he asked suspiciously. “It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve found you wandering around under suspicious circumstances. You’ve never hesitated to offer up information before, even after I was made a prefect.”

Sirius shrugged, turning from Remus to begin walking in the direction of the common room. Remus followed him.

“Maybe I’m maturing,” Sirius said. “I’m learning how to have a private life. As it turns out, some would rather I not blabber on about what we get up to.”

“Would they?” Remus replied with a smirk. “I’m impressed. It only took how many angry girls in your past for you to learn that lesson?”

There was a flash of an emotion in Sirius’ eyes again, too quick for Remus to analyze, and his jaw tightened.

“I don’t think those past girls taught me much of anything,” he said.

“So the current one then?” Remus asked, watching Sirius with a keen eye.

Sirius shrugged.

“I’m a changed man, remember? You’ll have to live with the mystery, Moony. My lips are sealed.”

Remus considered pushing him further to try to get more out of him, but something told him the attempt wouldn’t be successful. Instead, he changed the subject.

“I just spoke to Lily in the library.”

“And what did the lovely Miss Evans have to say?”

For all his attempts at disinterest, his eyes were sharp as they waited for Remus to recount the story.

“Not much,” Remus admitted. “But I think James might have figured out how to not be a complete and utter idiot around her, and she’s noticed.”

Sirius gave a loud laugh, and Remus glanced around, hoping no one had been around to witness it. The last thing he wanted was for Sirius to make some comment that got back to Lily and angered her.

“Go, Prongs!” Sirius cheered. “I was starting to wonder if the day would come. Look at him now. They’ll be dating by the end of term.”

Remus held up a cautioning hand.

“Don’t get too excited. She seemed more confused by it than madly in love.”

Sirius shrugged.

“Prongs is fantastic. Once he stops stumbling through every interaction he has with her, she’ll catch on to that. Or she won’t, and Prongs will have to move on. But James has a good heart, so I’m holding out hope for him. It’s been months since we last jinxed Snivellus even if you don’t count the summer. We’re really growing up, Moony.”

Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius threw an arm around his shoulders, but he didn’t pull away as Sirius stayed wrapped around him for the rest of their walk to Gryffindor Tower.

 

* * *

 

It was too early for most students to be awake. Remus rubbed at his eyes as he walked towards the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall.

He wasn’t sure why he was up. All night, he’d tossed and turned with the usual restlessness he felt in the days leading to the full moon. As soon as he’d known breakfast was being served, he’d pushed himself out of bed, thinking he might lose his mind if he laid there a second longer. But once he was walking around, he missed his bed.

His only plan had been to get coffee into his system as quickly as possible. Lily certainly hadn’t been on his mind, but she was there, an untouched stack of toast in front of her as she scowled at a letter that had apparently arrived more than an hour before the typical morning post.

Remus took a seat across from her, reaching for the nearest coffee pot.

“Parents?” he asked.

Lily blinked at him several times before she processed what he’d asked.

“Oh, no. It’s from Marlene.”

Remus nodded. Marlene McKinnon had been one of Lily’s closest friends, but she’d graduated the year before.

“How is she?” he asked. “I don’t have a clue what she’s doing.”

His words made Lily’s frown deepen.

“To tell you the truth, neither do I.”

When Remus raised a questioning eyebrow, she held the letter out to him.

“She’s been so busy that she’s hardly answered my letters. This one came late last night. The owl woke me up.”

Remus scanned the letter. For the most part, it was little more than the generic one of someone inquiring about their friend’s well being. There was little personal about it, and it took a few moments for Remus to figure out that that was exactly what Lily found strange about it.

“You think she’s keeping something from you?”

Lily’s simultaneous grimace and shrug contradicted each other.

“Maybe it’s nothing,” Remus said. “‘Maybe she’s busy.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Lily said with a sigh, taking the letter back and folding it neatly into its envelope. “I hope that’s all it is, but it’s not like she’s ever had a problem sharing her troubles with me before.”

Remus took a sip of his coffee, wishing he knew how to soften the creases in Lily’s forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next post will be the first interlude, featuring Sirius. And, yes, you'll find out exactly what he was up to in this chapter (if you currently have any doubts).


	4. Interlude: This Castle Could Be Gayer (Sirius Black)

Sirius groaned as Eric pressed closer. He deepened their kiss, not wanting it to end.

Things were simpler when they were like this. While they were kissing, the politics of the wider world didn’t matter. The fact that Eric had every intention of following his family’s wishes by marrying a nice girl didn’t matter. Not even the fact that Sirius had yet to work up the courage to tell his friends the truth mattered.

His insecurities were creeping up again. He pulled Eric even closer, relishing the way his body felt against his.

Their relationship—if it could even be called a relationship—certainly wasn’t romantic. Hell, Sirius didn’t even talk to the guy outside of their regular snogging sessions, but it was almost impossible to to find boys to kiss when both you and they were in the closet. Eric would have to do until Sirius could find someone he connected with on a deeper level. 

Eric was a good kisser at least. Better than Lance from the summer, but Lance had been more interesting to talk to. Sirius had been scared they wouldn’t have anything in common, since Lance was a Muggle, but he’d learned a lot more than just his sexuality over the month they’d spent together. He liked to think that it had broadened his horizons in more ways than just making him accept that he was gay.

Eric kissed down his neck and nipped at his skin. Sirius hissed. It felt good, but he couldn’t stop himself from mentally noting that he’d need to make sure any marks were concealed before he rejoined his friends.

If they saw something, they’d believe it was from a girl, but Sirius preferred to avoid it altogether. It already made him uncomfortable how quick they were to jump to the conclusion that he was off making out with girls. Every time they mentioned it, his stomach would twist itself into so many knots that Sirius wasn’t sure they’d ever come entirely undone.

Part of him wanted them to figure it out for themselves because of the trouble it would save him. He wanted to know what they’d think, wanted to know what Remus would think, but it was so hard to have the courage to say something when they were so convinced that he wanted to snog every girl he saw.

One day he would live up to the Gryffindor name. Maybe.

“Are you okay?”

Sirius blinked a few times, his gaze refocusing on Eric. He’d pulled away just far enough to look Sirius in the eye, but they were still pressed together with Eric’s hands gripping his waist. Eric’s lips were redder than normal, and Sirius couldn’t help but feel a little satisfied with himself even as he struggled to process what Eric had asked him.

“What?” he asked.

“Are you okay? You seem a little,” Eric waved this hand through the air, “spaced out, and I thought I was doing a good job.”

“You were. Sorry. I guess I’m a little distracted today.”

Eric smiled wryly.

“Is this about the straight boy you like?”

Sirius blinked and took an unconscious step backwards. The space between them didn’t help clear his head, though, as Eric’s hands remained at his waist.

“Straight boy that I like? I don’t remember saying that I like any straight boy.”

“Well, no,” Eric said with a shrug. “But you do, don’t you?”

He was suddenly far less interested in snogging Eric than he had been before, though he wasn’t sure if his sudden distaste was fair or not.

“What makes you say that?”

Eric’s response wasn’t a real answer to the question.

“It’s that Remus bloke, right? The one who's one of your best friends? No offense, mate, but you talk about him like he hung the moon.”

Sirius was quite proud of himself for holding back a snort of laughter.

“You think he’s straight?” Sirius asked, regretting the question as soon as it was out of his mouth but plowing on regardless, “because I have my suspicions.”

Eric grimaced, and Sirius felt his stomach tightened. For months, he’d been trying to tell himself that Remus might not be straight either, but there had still been niggling doubt in his mind, and he’d been hoping that Eric could encourage him that it might not have all been in his head.

“You think it’s wishful thinking,” Sirius said slowly.

He took another step back and was thankful when Eric dropped his hands from his waist. There was a good chance they wouldn’t be kissing again. Sirius felt a pang of sadness at the thought despite himself.

“Seems awfully unlikely that anyone else is gay in this place.”

Sirius frowned at him.

“You don’t think there can be more than two gay guys in the entire school?”

Eric shrugged, but Sirius knew that was as good as a ‘no.’ From the time Eric had first approached Sirius and cautiously asked about his feelings towards girls, Sirius had known that Eric held a far darker outlook on what their lives could be like in the future than Sirius did. That was what had doomed them from the start, honestly. If Eric could have maintained just a bit more optimism, Sirius thought he might have been able to overlook some of the dull conversation.

“Maybe you’re right,” Sirius said, taking a step towards the tapestry that was blocking them from view of the corridor.

“You’re leaving?” Eric asked.

“My friends are probably wondering where I got off to,” Sirius said, taking pains to sound uncaring.

He didn’t look behind him as he slipped out from behind the tapestry, but he hoped that Eric was scowling at him.


	5. Everyone's Acting Weird All the Sudden

Finding all three of his best friends sitting cross-legged on his bed when he came out of the shower wasn’t how Remus had expected his first Saturday of the school year to begin.

“Er, what’s this?” he asked slowly, analyzing them with one eyebrow raised.

He felt awkward standing in front of them with his hair still dripping slightly onto his collar. He was incredibly thankful that he’d dressed in the bathroom instead of waiting to do so in the dormitory.

“We need to talk,” said Sirius, sounding far more cheerful than Remus expected people to when they said such ominous words.

Remus sat on his own bed as if it were foreign territory.

“I’m guessing this isn’t about whether to spend today by the lake or in the castle.”

The other three boys laughed, and Remus felt some of the tension in his stomach ease. At least they didn’t seem worried. This couldn’t be anything bad. He tried to let that calm him. Perhaps they were about to invite him to join a prank. That wouldn’t be unusual, even if them informing him of it while sitting in a circle on his mattress was.

“We did some snooping this summer,” James said, leaning forward and whispering as if there were others in the dormitory who could overhear them.

Though he knew they were gone, Remus couldn’t help but gaze at the beds of their roommates to make sure they were alone.

“Okay,” he said slowly. 

James and Sirius snooped into everything. The year before they had uncovered classified information from the Ministry hidden in James’ dad’s office, but it hadn’t been anything particularly interesting to a group of teenaged boys. Just bureaucratic nonsense that wouldn’t have made a stir even if it were leaked to the press.

“Have you heard anything about the Order of the Phoenix?” James asked.

Remus frowned, shaking his head. It sounded like the sort of thing he should have heard of.

“Rumour has it,” Sirius began in the same conspiratorial whisper that James was using, “Dumbledore’s created a secret society to fight You-Know-Who. He’s calling it the Order of the Phoenix, and only the best of the best are being allowed to join up. It’s made up of the people that Dumbledore trusts more than anyone else.”

They watched Remus closely for his response. He looked between the three of them, fiddling with his bed sheets between his fingers.

“And where did you hear about this?” he asked.

“Where else but James’ parents?” Peter said.

“Your parents are in this Order?”

James shook his head with a disappointed frown.

“I don’t think so actually,” he said. “From what we could tell, Dumbledore asked them to be, but my parents turned him down. They must think they’re too old or something.”

Or maybe they just didn’t want to get more involved in this whole thing than they needed to be. Remus couldn’t have blamed them for it. Over the last year alone, the amount of deaths contributed to You-Know-Who and his followers had risen exponentially.

“It makes no sense,” James burst out, unable to contain of his emotions. “My parents remember Grindelwald. They stood beside Dumbledore then. Why aren’t they doing anything now?”

“They were a lot younger for Grindelwald,” Remus pointed out.

“But Voldemort is just like Grindelwald was,” James continued. “Have you read about that war? It’s all the same. How can they sit by while You-Know-Who gains power and not do anything?”

“Who knows, mate?” Sirius said. “This is your parents we’re talking about though. They have to have their reasons.”

“So, what exactly is all this supposed to mean?” Remus asked, cutting Sirius off.

Sirius and James smirked at each other, while Peter frowned, and Remus already knew what was coming before anyone answered his question. He steeled himself.

“We’re going to join,” Sirius said, motioning between the four of them even though Remus hadn’t agreed to such a scheme.

“We’re seventeen,” he shot back. “And we haven’t even finished Hogwarts yet. Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

Sirius threw his head back in a laugh, looking as unabashed as Remus had known he would be.

“Maybe not now,” James said, smirking but not laughing as Sirius was. “But after Hogwarts, when we’re full-fledged wizards with our N.E.W.T.s under our belts, we have to join, Remus.”

Remus couldn’t help but snort, and he hoped he had successfully covered the fear he felt in the pit of his stomach.

“If Dumbledore wants to defeat Voldemort, he needs experts. People like Aurors and Ministry officials. He doesn’t need four boys right out of Hogwarts.”

“We became animagi at fifteen,” Sirius said with a smirk. “Dumbledore would be lucky to have us.”

“ _You_ all did that, not me,” Remus said. “And you’d better hope Dumbledore never discovers it because he’d have no choice but to expel you. Somehow, I think that would actually hurt your chances with this Order, if it exists.”

“It exists,” James insisted.

Sirius nodded enthusiastically, but Peter looked far less sure of the whole thing as he chewed on his bottom lip.

“We did enough poking around this summer to know that much,” Sirius pressed.

All Remus wanted was to figure out how he was going to make enough money to survive after Hogwarts, and his friends were trying to drag him into a war that had already placed a target on his back.

“Good for you,” Remus concluded, standing from the bed and grabbing his school bag from where it was lying on the floor. “I’m off to the library to get a headstart on my Potions essay.”

“It’s Saturday!” Sirius called after him, but he was already out of the room and letting the door swing shut behind him.

* * *

_Dear Frank,_

_How’s Auror training going? I’m sure it’s hard, but you were always going on about how excited you were to do good in the world. I hope it’s everything you wanted it to be, and I’m sorry I didn’t really write over the summer. Things at home were a little strange._

_Things at Hogwarts are mostly the same as always, but classes are stressful. When you said seventh year would be worse than sixth, I’m not sure I believed you, but I do now. It sucks that you’re not around to answer all my Potions questions anymore. Slughorn won’t stop giving us more work._

_To be honest, I’ve been feeling pretty jealous of you lately. You’ve been talking about being an Auror for as long as I can remember, but I still don’t have a clue what to do after Hogwarts. All the professors, especially McGonagall, keep talking about our futures, and I’d rather not think about it. I don’t know. Maybe something will click for me soon._

_I know one thing: I’m definitely not joining you in the Auror Department._

_But I’ll stop boring you with my problems. I’m sure you’re over Hogwarts troubles now that you’re an “adult”. I’d love to hear about your struggles in training since it’d be a nice distraction from my homework. If you’re struggling that is._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus Lupin_

* * *

Remus’ eyes scanned the shelves of the library as he moved closer to the present in the history section. James’ words about Grindelwald had been running through his mind, and he felt a pressing need to learn more about the infamous dark wizard whom some called the precursor to Voldemort.

He already knew about Grindelwald of course. His father had lived through that war just as James’ parents had, though he’d been too young to be as involved as they’d been. He hadn’t finished Hogwarts when Dumbledore and Grindelwald had held their famous duel.

Though Remus had asked a few questions as a child, Lyall had never been forthcoming about his experiences during that chapter of wizarding history, and it hadn’t taken long for Remus to figure out that it was because there were things about Grindelwald that Lyall didn’t want to discuss with his son. It didn’t take a genius to realize that Grindelwald must have had less than stellar views about werewolves, and Remus had begun to make it a point to not learn exactly what Grindelwald’s views had been.

Lyall had never been able to hide the reports of Voldemort callously using werewolves from him while he was at Hogwarts though, and he knew that Grindelwald couldn’t have been much different. Now he wanted to confirm it for himself.

There was no shortage of books about Grindelwald once he reached the 20th century. Title after title referenced the wizard’s name, and Remus had trouble deciding which ones were worth being pulled from the shelf. He was struck by how new they looked compared to many of the other titles in the library, a reminder that Grindelwald hadn’t been that long ago despite another dark wizard already rising to take his place.

As he scanned the books, Remus quickly realized that most of the writers on Grindelwald hadn’t been overly concerned about his views on werewolves. He’d been expecting that. Though he chose the most promising looking books, he was scanning footnotes for any indication of Grindelwald’s view of his “kind”. A few of the books had indexes, and only one of those included werewolves. Remus flipped to the indicated page and was met with a brief reference to a group of werewolves killed in one of Grindelwald’s attacks. The book made it sound as if they hadn’t been targeted specifically but had instead been caught up in something much larger than themselves. Remus wasn’t sure what to believe.

It was clear from the books that Grindelwald hadn’t taken to recruiting so-called dark creatures like Voldemort had. At least, these writers didn’t think he had, and Remus was sure many of the authors would have pounced on a way to hint that “dark” creatures were naturally drawn to dark wizards.

The real reason Remus had been keen to learn more about Grindelwald was to learn more about You-Know-Who and what his rise meant for Remus, but he didn’t feel as if he had found the information he was looking for. None of the books he read had been written to reassure young werewolves of anything. With a sigh, he placed the last of the books back onto the shelf.

If there was anything to know about Grindelwald and werewolves, it wasn’t in the Hogwarts library, and Remus felt no less lost than he had before.

His friends were eager to join the fight. At least, James and Sirius were. He knew Peter was less than enthusiastic but would join because James and Sirius would guilt him if he resisted. Remus wasn’t sure about himself. He was more vulnerable than his friends. He thought that should have meant he would lead the charge.

But he didn’t want to do that.

When Dumbledore had shown up at his house to inform him that he could attend Hogwarts, Remus had allowed himself to hope that he could live a normal life. He’d be able to find a job. Maybe he’d even make friends and have people who cared for him other than his parents, who still often looked regretful whenever they looked at him.

After O.W.L.s, when the reality of the forthcoming future with few job prospects had hit him, his hope had begun to wane, but it was Voldemort who he felt had shattered his hope into a million tiny pieces.

With a shaky breath, he retreated to the Transfiguration section, determined to start on his essay and pretend like his detour had never happened.

* * *

Sirius’ tapping of the table made Remus take a deep breath. He slowly raised his gaze to look at Sirius and found the other boy staring into space, not noticing the distraction he was creating. A glance at the rest of the table showed him that James and Peter had noticed it too.

“Padfoot.”

James reached out to shove at Sirius shoulder, and Sirius’ head snapped around, eyes wide.

“What?”

“You won’t stop tapping the table,” Remus snapped.

“Oh.” Sirius blinked. “Sorry, I guess.”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“Have you gotten any work done?” he asked.

Sirius looked down at the parchment in front of him for a second. Remus could already see that nothing more than Sirius’ name and the date was written on it.

“No,” he admitted. “I’m bored.”

James dropped his quill with a groan, reaching up to tug at his hair.

“We’re all bored, Padfoot, but this essay is due in three days.”

Sirius pouted, his bottom lip sticking out in a way that was far too distracting for Remus’ liking.

“We haven’t pulled a prank yet this term.”

Sighing, Remus set his quill down, giving up hope of working on his essay until Sirius had aired his frustrations.

“When are we going to actually do something fun?” Sirius asked.

Remus and Peter looked to James. They were, after all, followers when it came to pranks. Those were the speciality of James and Sirius, who told the other boys where to be and what to do. But James didn’t have the same excited glint in his eye that he typically got at the idea of mischief. He looked uncomfortable.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he said slowly.

When Sirius’ mouth dropped open, James rushed to add, “I’m Head Boy now, and Lily’s starting to take me seriously. I can’t ruin it by pulling some ridiculous prank, Sirius. Not when I finally have a chance.”

Sirius studied James for a moment before he deemed the boy a lost cause and turned to Peter and Remus instead.

“Boys?” he asked, leaning over the table. “You’re in, right?”

Peter shrugged.

“Maybe James is right. If I get too many more detentions, what if no one wants to hire me after school?”

Remus was careful to hold Sirius’ gaze.

“This essay is due in three days,” he said flatly.

“And it’s boring as hell.”

“It’s an important assignment, Padfoot. We can pull a prank once this is over with.”

Sirius growled in frustration, collapsing back in his chair. He didn’t do any work on his essay that afternoon, but he didn’t say anything more about any pranks either.

* * *

Remus glanced apprehensively at Peter as he practiced transfiguring the cat into a clock. His friend was having his usual troubles, and Remus could see his frustration building. He crossed his fingers that it wouldn’t be another day of building up Peter’s crushed ego at the end of class as they often did after Transfiguration.

He’s been amazed that any of his friends became animagi in their fifth year, but Peter doing it, even with the help of James and Sirius, had been so remarkable that Remus still had to remind himself it was true sometimes.

Sure enough, Peter’s cat did nothing except turn a darker shade of brown and develop stripes that somewhat resembled wood. It was a nice start, but not where Peter should have been after almost an entire lesson’s worth of practice.

Remus was leaning over to whisper some advice when Severus Snape’s voice carried across the classroom.

“Yours may be misshapen, Avery, but at least I can tell it’s a clock. Only an idiot would still have a cat on their desk.”

Remus shut his eyes, knowing without having to look that James and Sirius had snapped to attention at the comment. He heard the hurt whimper from Peter and cursed Snape for knowing exactly which buttons to press.

“Lo—”

When Sirius’ words were abruptly broken off, Remus opened his eyes to find a surprised Sirius looking at James, who had laid his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and was watching Snape with narrowed eyes. Snape glowered back, daring James to do something.

McGonagall was on them in a flash, standing between them and Snape as if her physical presence had been enough to stop them from hurling hurtful words—or worse—at each other in the past.

“Everyone progresses at different rates, Mr Snape,” McGonagall said sharply, her back on the Marauders as she glared at the other boy. “There will be no insulting anyone’s hard work in my class.”

Snape nodded, but it was clear to everyone in the room that it was a placating gesture. Everyone was watching him as if they expected him to shoot a cunning remark back at McGonagall, but he was quiet, his eyes still intent on James.

The two boys were still staring each other down, and Remus’ back was straight as he watched James from behind, waiting for the comeback he had up his sleeve. 

His first detention as Head Boy was destined to be earned in a room full of his peers. They were all waiting for it. James Potter not serving detention was like a ballerina not performing ballet.

There was a long, tense moment where you could have heard a pin drop before James spoke, earning gasps from a few students.

“That’s a very nice clock, Snape. Nice work.”

Remus’ mouth dropped open.

He couldn’t see James’ face because he was turned towards Snape, but he wished that he could. The words had held little animosity. Even McGonagall spun around, staring at James with one eyebrow raised. She had clearly expected to have to scold him, and she’d been robbed of the opportunity. Recovering quickly, she gave James an approving, if confused, nod and made her way back to her desk, though she hesitated a few times on the way as she debated turning back.

Nothing changed when she left, though, except that Snape had a clearer view of James that he could use to continue glaring. His dark eyes sent a shiver down Remus’ spine. He held few memories from his many transformations, but the terrified look in those same eyes as Snape had believed he was about to die was one memory Remus couldn’t forget.

James turned back to his clock, working on adding more decoration to the already rather gaudy-looking model he had. It was as if he couldn’t sense Snape’s glare, and the other boy soon gave up and turned back to his own clock.

Remus caught Lily watching James, mouth partially open, and she blushed a deep crimson when their eyes met and she realized she’d been caught. Remus gave her a gentle smile and shrugged in a, “Who would have thought?” gesture. She gave a short, quiet laugh that James didn’t seem to hear.

The way James had held himself back from going after Snape had surprised him, but the way he hadn’t glanced Lily’s way even once during or after the exchange shocked him even more.

Remus allowed himself a small grin before he turned to the dejected looking Peter, who was listening to some elaborate story Sirius had suddenly begun telling and trying to smile.

* * *

_Dear Remus,_

_Sorry this response is kinda late. Auror training is killer. It might be more intense than I expected if I’m honest, but I’m pulling through. Alice is always around to help me out. She makes everything look easy. Like always._

_I totally get that being an Auror isn’t for everyone, but you’d make a good one if you wanted to join, Remus. I feel like I’d be failing the department if I didn’t put some effort into recruiting you. It’s all hands on deck at the moment, as I’m sure you could guess._

_Honestly, I think Auror training is one of the easiest parts of my life now. Most of us are so busy outside our training that it makes the training worse. Almost everyone here wanted to be Aurors since they were little, and most of us didn’t guess there’d be, you know, a war going on while we were training._

_Try to enjoy your last year at Hogwarts. I get being nervous about what’s after, but you deserve to have fun this year. Merlin knows I miss the castle and not having responsibilities. Can you believe I even miss McGonagall’s nagging me a little? She seems like the nicest woman compared to the trainers here. They’re ruthless. (But don’t tell her any of that.)_

_I hope everyone back at Hogwarts is good. Oh, I almost forgot! If you’re having trouble with Potions without me around, Alice thinks you should ask Lily. She says she’d be up for it, and I hear she’s better at Potions than I am. I think it’s a good idea._

_Sincerely,_

_Frank Longbottom_


	6. Interlude: With All Due Respect, No (Severus Snape)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This second interlude is in Snape's POV, and I had the realization while writing this that this is the first time I've ever written in Snape's POV. It was an interesting experience. While I hate both Snape and Slughorn, trying to write them well is a nice challenge, and I hope I didn't do too bad of a job.

Severus didn’t look at his classmates as he made his way to the front of the Potions classroom with his phial of Amortentia clutched to his chest. He sat it on Slughorn’s desk, all the while looking at it distrustfully.

He knew, of course, that the potion smelled unique to every individual, but he still felt paranoid that others would be able to smell what he could and know his secrets. While his lesson might not have been with the Gryffindors, his fellow Slytherins would be more difficult deal with if they caught on to the inspiration for the aroma.

If Slughorn didn’t have important connections, Severus would have made his displeasure with the curriculum known. With the world in the state it was, there were far more useful potions they could have been practicing, but Slughorn wanted to teach them potions he thought they’d have _fun_ with. Severus’ nose wrinkled in disgust.

As he turned, reluctantly leaving the phial behind, Slughorn appeared beside him.

“Severus.”

Severus paused and did his best not to scowl at the man.

“Yes, sir?”

“Would you mind staying after class? I have something that I wish to ask you.”

Severus did mind as a matter of fact. He was a N.E.W.T.-level student, and this was only his first lesson of the day. Surely, Slughorn could understand that Severus had a lesson after Potions that he couldn’t miss if he was meant to stay on top of his work. Of course, Slughorn thought that a simple note from him would solve all of Severus’ problems. He didn’t seem to care that Severus actually wanted to listen to the Charms lecture to avoid falling behind.

With practiced ease, he smiled back at Slughorn.

“Of course I wouldn’t mind, Professor,” he said with a respectful incline of his head.

Slughorn gave his usual jolly laugh at getting his way. Not that he had suspected Severus to turn him down. All members of the Slug Club did what Slughorn asked of them, and Slughorn seemed to believe this was out of genuine fondness for him and not the same sucking up he showered upon them.

“Of course not. I always know I can count on you, Severus.”

Severus offered him one last smile before he turned away and let his scowl take over once more. He stewed in his annoyance as the other students packed their bags and fled.

He sat at his desk, arms folded, as he waited for the last of them to leave, and only then did he turn back to Slughorn, who had taken to hovering by the door saying goodbye to his favourite students as they left. Severus rolled his eyes as Evan Rosier continuously backed away while Slughorn kept droning on to him.

Finally, Slughorn shut the door behind Evan and turned to Severus, clapping his hands together to focus himself.

“What is it you wished to speak with me about, Professor?”

Severus moved to stand in front of Slughorn, keeping the man beside the door, and put his bag over his shoulder, hoping the gesture would prompt Slughorn to be as brief as possible.

The professor frowned, and Severus felt his stomach tighten in anticipation of something more unsavoury than the usual favours he’d come to expect Slughorn to ask for.

“You know Remus Lupin,” Slughorn said slowly, as if Severus wouldn’t know the werewolf who had almost killed him once.

He couldn’t stop himself from scowling.

“Yes, yes, I know,” Slughorn continued quickly. “It’s only natural that you would feel resentment towards the boy, but he’s not a terrible student. It’s quite impressive what he’s been able to accomplish despite being a werewolf. He’s not like most of his kind, and considering the current climate in Britain, I’m hoping that won’t change once he leaves this castle for good.”

“With all due respect, sir, why are you telling me this?”

Lupin wasn’t a member of the Slug Club. Slughorn had never even tried—as far as Severus was aware—to recruit him like he had Potter and Black. There was no discernable reason why Slughorn should have suddenly concerned himself with Lupin’s education more than other students. Especially not enough to dare ask Severus to help him. There wasn’t a professor at Hogwarts who wasn’t aware of Severus’ relationship with the Gryffindor boys.

He took several steps towards the door, wanting nothing more than to flee. Images of the most terrifying night of his life flashed through his mind, and it took all of his effort to suppress them.

Slughorn didn’t notice the panic happening within his own head.

“The boy is decent in Potions. I suspect he’ll get an Acceptable on his N.E.W.T.s, but considering his circumstances, I’d like to see someone tutor him. Well, it was Professor McGonagall’s idea, actually, and she wanted me to do it personally. I’m a tad busy though, you see?” He chucked. “You’re the best student in the school, and I was sure you wouldn’t let me down, Severus.”

Severus scowled. Knowing the idea had its ultimate source in McGonagall made him despise it more, and he hadn’t thought that was possible. Though he was certain the Transfiguration professor would have a fit if she learned Severus was tutoring one of her precious Gryffindors. Even the nearly murderous werewolf.

“You want me to tutor the werewolf that almost killed me?”

Slughorn cringed, but Snape continued before he could speak.

“Why don’t you ask Lily? She’s almost as good as me at Potions, and she likes Lupin.”

That knowledge made bile rise in his throat, but that didn’t make it any less true.

“Yes, well, Lily was my first thought, but with her Head Girl duties, I thought it might not be wise to ask more of her. Besides, I also thought spending more time with Mr Lupin might be good for the two of you. Dumbledore is always going on about how we should be fostering inter-house unity. I’m sure he’d love the idea of you working together.”

Slughorn laughed, and Severus grimaced at the sound of it. Unlike McGonagall, Dumbledore might actually have gotten a kick out of Severus working with the werewolf who nearly murdered him.

For once, he couldn’t conceal his disgust, and Slughorn shifted uncomfortably at Severus’ near murderous gaze.

“Right.” Slughorn turned back to his desk and began inspecting the phials that littered it. “You’re under no obligation to say yes. I’ll consider speaking to Miss Evans. You may go now, Severus.”

He’d disappointed Slughorn by refusing, but he didn’t much care as he hurried out of the classroom, stomping along to the library with far more anger in each step than was required.


	7. Don't Mention It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest and say that nothing wildly exciting happens in this chapter, but in my view, there's some important emotional groundwork for Remus in this chapter. We also get a glimpse of Lily and Snape here and see where their relationship is at if you're curious about that.

Remus took his copy of the _Prophet_ from the owl’s leg before depositing the requisite coins in the pouch hanging from its leg. Not paying attention as the owl flew away, he tossed the newspaper onto the bench beside him without glancing at the headlines.

He’d taken out a subscription to the _Daily Prophet_ because it had felt important to stay up to date on the war, especially when werewolves were an increasing target on both sides. However, he had found the morning routine of reading the paper had ruined the rest of his day, so he’d taken to saving it until the evening and letting it disrupt his dreams instead.

Remus had just taken a bite of his toast when a loud huff from Sirius drew his attention to the other side of the table where Sirius was clutching a letter in his hands. James had already leant over to read the letter over his shoulder. Beside Remus, Peter was leaning over the table with his tie dangling dangerously close to his baked beans.

“What is it?” he asked, bobbing up and down like a child interrogating their parents about their Christmas presents.

Sirius looked up from his letter, expression dark. Remus glanced down at the envelope resting on the table and wasn’t surprised to see a broken Black family seal.

Clearing his throat, Sirius took on a pompous demeanor, going so far as to straighten his tie before speaking.

“I regret to inform the heretofore gathered crowd that I, Sirius Black III, am no longer the heir to the Black family fortune. That honour has been bestowed upon my illustrious brother Regulus, a far better behaved lad than I could ever hope to be.”

The parchment in Sirius’ hand went up in flames without his expression changing as he dropped it. The Marauders watched as the letter disintegrated before the flames reached the table. Peter let out a long, low sound almost like a moan at the display.

“I thought they’d already done that,” James said cautiously. “It’s been two years since they kicked you out. Your mum was already threatening to burn the tree when you walked ot the door.”

“Alas,” Sirius said, grabbing a knife and beginning to aggressively butter a slice of toast, “I cannot confirm that such a burning took place. I can only assume that it has by now, but at any rate, this shit doesn’t have anything to do with that blasted tapestry. They disowned me years ago. The only difference now is they have official Ministry paperwork to keep me from claiming otherwise.

“They’re not getting younger, my parents, and they’re inbred enough that no one can expect them to live that long. They must be getting scared about offing it and not being able to stop me from turning their house into Sirius Black’s Home for Wayward Muggles or whatever they think I’d do with the family fortune.”

“Is that meant to be an orphanage or a school or…?”

Sirius waved his toast dismissively at Remus.

“It doesn’t matter,” he concluded, “because it’s never going to happen. My parents have made sure of that.”

It was quiet for a moment as Sirius looked down at the ashes sprinkled across the table. Some had fallen in a large bowl of porridge, making it look as if it had been sprinkled with pepper.

Sirius reached out and began ladeling the porridge into a serving bowl, ashes and all. The other boys watched in silence. Sirius didn’t look at them as he began eating.

Finally, Peter spoke.

“You don’t even like porridge.”

One look from Sirius quieted him.

* * *

Remus yawned as he walked down the otherwise deserted corridor. It was late, and he didn’t have much time to get back to the common room before he’d be violating curfew. He wasn’t sure which prefects were on patrol that evening or whether they’d be sympathetic if they found him out of bounds.

He was only one floor away from the Fat Lady when he heard voices around the corner. He slowed to a stop as he tried to listen to what they were saying. The first thing he noticed was the tense nature of the conversation, but he was quickly able to place both voices after that: Snape and Lily.

His stomach tightened with unease, but he stuck close to the wall as he inched forward, not wanting to charge into an unknown situation and make things worse for Lily. Merlin knew she was more adept at dealing with Snape than he was anyway.

“I told you already that it’s not your business,” she said, voice sharp.

“But I’m worried—”

“You don’t have a right to be worried for me, Severus. Not anymore. But it doesn’t matter anyway because there’s nothing to worry about. I’m as fine as I’ve always been.”

“Potter’s getting to you.”

Lily let out a short, harsh laugh that pierced through the otherwise quiet hallway. Even Remus cringed.

“Stop talking as if he’s brainwashing me and I’ve lost the ability to think for myself. Potter hasn’t done anything to manipulate me. I don’t need his help to understand how messed up your friends are. The whole school knows. When I say I despise them, that’s coming straight from me and no one else.”

“This isn’t about my friends!”

“It is though.” Lily’s voice had turned more sad than angry. “More than you seem to realize. That’s what’s frustrating, Severus. You keep attacking me for being nice to Potter as if your friends aren’t a million times worse than he is. Potter and I aren’t even friends, not really, but if we were, I’d be a lot better off hanging around him than you are being around your friends.”

Snape didn’t respond, and Remus fought the urge to peak around the corner to see the expression on his face. The only thing stopping him was the knowledge that Snape would become angrier if he knew that his and Lily’s conversation had been overheard.

“You have patrol,” Lily said with all the authority she possessed as Head Girl. “You should have met with Taylor in the Entrance Hall five minutes ago. Go.”

Remus heard Snape’s footsteps coming towards him, and he rushed around another corner. Being back in the common room before curfew was no longer the priority it had been.

* * *

Remus didn’t look at the newspaper he’d received that morning until later that night when he’d taken over a table in the corner of the Gryffindor common room with his friends. Ostensibly, they were completing their homework, but Sirius had fallen into doodling unflattering images of his family on small scraps of parchment, which was keeping James and Peter entertained as they suggested possible details Sirius could add. Peter was particularly proud of his idea to have a rotting house elf finger dangling from a necklace around Sirius’ mum’s neck.

As Remus grew less than amused with the somewhat appalling caricatures, he found himself bored enough to look at the _Prophet_.

The day’s headline was a story about how the Minister for Magic had made a trip to Germany and spoken to the Minister there about something that Remus was sure was meant to be important. To Remus, the event felt more like an attempt at good publicity for the Ministry as the rest of Europe judged Britain for its inability to rein in You-Know-Who, and he found himself merely skimming the article before moving to the next.

When he saw a much smaller headline towards the bottom of the front page, he froze. He had to reread it several times and scan the article itself before he had regained himself enough to look around at his friends as if they had read what he had, but they were still thoroughly engrossed in a rude sketch that might have been of Kreacher or Sirius’ father. It wasn’t as if Sirius’ art skills were in top form even when he was trying to be flattering.

He tapped Sirius on the arm, pulling his attention from the detailed hairs he was adding to the character’s nostrils.

“You need to look at this,” Remus said.

Suddenly, he had all of his friends as engrossed in the newspaper as they had been Sirius’ drawings.

“‘Five Muggles murdered in apparent attack’,” James read, keeping his voice down as they were discussing one of their pranks.

Remus took it upon himself to read the article out loud for the benefit of his friends.

“‘Early Thursday morning, the Ministry of Magic was alerted to the murder of a Muggle family which appears to have been committed by witches and wizards. An investigation is ongoing, but there is speculation among some that the murders were the work of the rising dark wizard commonly known as You-Know-Who, who has been gathering followers for several years.

“‘The Ministry reminded us at the Daily Prophet that no perpetrator has been named as of print time, but many view this as a natural progression for a wizard who has been vocal about his plans for ridding the magical world of those he views as unworthy. Though You-Know-Who’s previous efforts have centered around Muggleborns and beings such as vampires, many experts warn that Muggles are an easy potential target as well.’”

“Well, I’m surprised,” Sirius interrupted, tugging the paper from Remus’ hands to inspect it for himself. “What’s You-Know-Who want with a bunch of Muggles? His whole shitty philosophy is about blood purity, right? Unless these Muggles had some witch or wizard as a relative, what did You-Know-Who want with them? They were doing what he wanted: leaving the wizarding world alone.”

“He’s evil, Sirius,” Remus said. “He doesn’t care about who he kills, so why would he put much stock in Muggles? Why _not_ go after them? Look at the attention it’s getting him. He’s said a lot of shit about vampires and werewolves before, and that stuff only got him to the second or third page.”

Sirius stuck out his bottom lip in thought.

“You think he’s angry that he’s still under a huge headline about the Minister and not top billing?”

Remus shrugged as he fiddled with a piece of parchment.

“Possibly,” he said quietly.

He looked at each of his friends carefully. Their dark expressions made it clear they were imagining the same horrific scenarios Remus was, and none of them could comfort themselves with the false belief that You-Know-Who wouldn’t go further than he already had.

Even as he had gone after magical beings, he had been speaking about his hatred for Muggleborns and making it clear to anyone who would listen what his guiding philosophy was. People had still flocked to him, revealing what many of the pureblood families continued to believe despite the illusions of progress espoused by the Ministry.

Remus knew that You-Know-Who had to be attacking werewolves whose stories the _Prophet_ wasn’t bothering to cover. Wizarding Britain had been more concerned with You-Know-Who’s rhetoric on Muggleborns, finding it the more shocking story. There were Muggleborns on the _Prophet_ ’s staff; Remus was sure there weren’t any werewolves.

He caught James looking across the common room, and he followed his gaze to find Lily sitting and laughing with Mary in front of the fire.

He understood his friends’ worry for their Muggleborn friends, especially James’ worry for Lily. Remus was worried about them too, but it was often overshadowed with his more selfish fears that he would be the next werewolf You-Know-Who went after. He was the only werewolf anyone knew of who had attended Hogwarts, and Remus had a hard time imagining that You-Know-Who wouldn’t learn of his existence eventually.

But that hadn’t occurred to his friends, and he couldn’t find it in himself to mention it.


	8. Interlude: Wanted: A New Best Friend (James Potter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This interlude was edited entirely on my phone, so I apologize for any errors that I missed. They're typically harder for me to spot on the phone (and sometimes auto-correct works against me).

“Is this actually worth it?”

James rolled his eyes, continuing down the corridor without glancing back at Sirius trailing behind him.

“Maybe it is; maybe it isn’t. We’ll only find out if we go.”

“No, it’s only going to be worth it to you, Prongs,” Sirius said with a snort. “I’m not getting anything out of this except a dinner I could have eaten in the Great Hall. Evans may have found something to like in old Slughorn, but it’s _Evans_ we’re talking about. She was friends with Snivellus. She’s not the best judge when it comes to worthwhile company. Merlin, James, he’s going to keep us at this dinner forever. We’ll never escape from his clutches.”

James came to a stop until Sirius’ shoulder was even with his.

“He won’t,” he promised. “We agreed: If we’re still there in two hours, we’ll tell him we have homework to do. He’s a professor. He can’t keep us if we say we need to study. What kind of precedent would that set?”

Sirius still frowned, but he had come along nonetheless. James continued leading the way to Slughorn’s office with a slight grin on his lips. He’d been amazed that he’d convinced Sirius to come along. When he’d first mentioned the idea of actually attending Slughorn’s dinner, Sirius hadn't been able to stop glancing at Remus, but with their friend’s blessing, James felt little guilt over attending the dinner.

It wasn’t as if Peter and Remus would be missing the party of the year. The only reason James was going was Lily, who had encouraged him to come the night before when she’d approached him to briefly confirm the next patrol schedule. Although it had been a passing comment, it was more than James had gotten before.

When they arrived at Slughorn’s office, it was to find the place transformed. An elaborate table took up the center of the room, filled with various dishes cooked by the castle house elves. While it looked delicious, there wasn’t anything there that couldn’t have been found in the Great Hall, and as excited as James was for yet another opportunity to see Lily, he sighed internally over the knowledge that he’d have to put up with Slughorn at least for the next hour.

“Boys,” Slughorn exclaimed in his booming voice, rising to meet them in the doorway. “You came! What a lovely surprise. Come in, come in. I knew you’d come! See, we’ve left seats for you.”

Before he had comprehended what was happening, James was sitting in the chair beside Lily. His stomach twisted, and he swallowed, forcing his nerves down with the gesture as best he could. He glanced at Sirius, who had been sat in the chair on James’ other side.

He offered Lily a sheepish smile and felt his hands tremble when she grinned back. Over her shoulder, James could see Snape scowling, and the knowledge that they were being watched made his skin heat up all over. He tugged at his collar, determined not to make eye contact with the Slytherin boy he was trying—and failing—not to despise.

There were enough students who were happy to suck up to Slughorn that avoiding conversation with the professor wasn’t as difficult as James had feared. He rolled his eyes as Sirius began to eat as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, determined to keep Slughorn away from him by always having his mouth stuffed with food.

He reached over James for a platter of pork chops, not bothering to ask to have them passed to him, and Lily laughed at the disgruntled expression on James’ face.

“Sorry,” James muttered to her on Sirius’ behalf. “He’s not very happy about being here, and he wants me to know it.”

“Damn right I do,” Sirius said quietly, making Lily snort into her hand.

“I can’t believe you came,” she said, keeping her voice low and glancing around to make sure that Slughorn was preoccupied with a student who had a parent at the Ministry. “You’ve always acted like these parties are beneath you.”

James frowned, momentarily forgetting about the carrot he had speared on his fork.

“Beneath us? It’s not about that. It’s just… Well, Slughorn’s a bit obnoxious, isn’t he? Collecting favourites for his own benefit and all that. Remus doesn’t like it. Slughorn’s never invited him to join; and he’s better than Sirius at Potions and Defense.”

“And you,” Sirius muttered, which James chose to ignore.

Lily bit at her lip, watching Slughorn as he laughed.

“He’s always been nice to me,” she said. “Even in first year when I brewed my first potion. He didn’t invite me into Slug Club right away, but he was never anything about kind.”

James wanted to say that the niceties were only because Slughorn saw her future potential, but he didn’t. He knew that such a comment would only serve to get himself back on her bad side, and he’d been doing so well in that regard.

“It must be strange,” he said instead, “to come to Hogwarts right after learning that it exists in the first place.”

She smiled and gave a short laugh. He waited patiently as she chewed on a bite of steak before answering.

“Strange is one way of putting it. I wasn’t sure what to think of everything. Even though a lot of it had been explained to me, it was different to see it for myself, to be surrounded by magic everywhere I turned. It was overwhelming. But going back home that first Christmas was stranger than Hogwarts first was. I’d seen all of these things, and my family couldn’t understand it in the same way I could. They still can’t.”

Her voice had taken on a sadness that tugged on James’ heart.

“Do they know about the war?” he asked.

It was something he often wondered about the Muggleborns he knew, but he had never been brave enough to ask.

“No,” Lily admitted. Though she smiled at him, it felt fake, and he hated that he’dashed something to prompt such a response. “My mother’s sick, so I figured it was best not to make a big deal of it. There’s nothing they could do even if they did know.”

James nodded along as if he could understand, his demeanor calm, but inside, he was panicking as he tried to figure out what the correct reaction to learning of her mother’s illness. He thought back to when Remus had first revealed to them at his own mother was sick. He’d had no idea what to say in response, and it had only been worse after Remus had revealed that they hadn’t entirely been lies to hide is transformations. After so long, when they’d helped Remus through his mother’s death, James felt as if he should have gotten better at it.

“I’m sorry,” he said for lack of anything better.

Lily was quick to shake her head, waving one hand dismissively through the air.

“You shouldn’t apologize when it has nothing to do with you. Some people just get cancer. She’s fighting it as best she can.”

Though she tried to keep her voice light, it wavered, and James felt tears prick at the back of his eyes that he refused to let fall. He’d had no idea that Lily was dealing with something so horrible at home while also dealing with You-Know-Who. He had a strong urge to hug her, to somehow protect her from reality, but of course, such a thing would never have worked even if she had allowed him to do so.

“I’m sorry to have—”

Lily cut him off with another shake of her head, her lips tight.

“What about your parents?” she asked. “They must be marvels if they’ve dealt with you your entire life.”

James’ shoulders straightened, and despite what they’d been discussing, he couldn’t keep a smile off his face.

“My parents are great,” he admitted. “They were already older when they had me. For years, they thought they’d never have kids, since they had trouble conceiving, but then I came along. I was their miracle kid.”

“That explains so much.”

If it hadn’t been for her amused smirk, James would have felt defensive. As it was, he leaned back in his chair, putting on a show of arrogance.

“Maybe it does,” he said with an exaggerated shrug. “But my parents really are wonderful.”

“He’s not lying,” Sirius chimed in, leaning around James to get a good luck at Lily. He waved a spoonful of ice cream around in the air. “Mr and Mrs Potter took me in when my parents kicked me out. They didn’t give it a second thought. And they were hardly angry when I accidentally dyed the bed sheets a bright yellow.”

“He was trying to help with the laundry for once,” James said with a laugh, pleased when Lily joined in.

“And got myself out of ever having to do it again,” Sirius said, smirking in satisfaction. “I’ve been banned from all laundering in the Potter household.”

“I’m sure you’ll be well prepared for living on your own.”

Sirius shrugged, not looking at Lily as he turned back to his ice cream.

“I’ll manage.”

Sirius’ smile turned devious.

“You know, James isn’t all that bad at laundry. He’ll do quite nice on his own.”

James’ face burned, and he angled his face away as Lily stifled a laugh with her hand.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you, Sirius.”

“Always here to help,” he said with a salute.

James couldn’t look her directly in the eye for the rest of the dinner, and was almost thankful when Slughorn accepted his and Sirius’ excuse that they needed to study. Unfortunately, all Sirius did was laugh as James shoved him down the corridor.


	9. We Could All Use a Hand

It was supposed to be just another walk to Charms class, but instead, the sounds of a scuffle had James and Remus glancing between each other before rushing forward to find the cause.

Rounding a corner, they found a young Ravenclaw boy sitting against the wall, his arm clutched to his chest. He poked at it as they approached and hissed in pain.

“Easy now,” James said in a calm voice, crouching down to the boy’s level.

Remus scanned the hall for signs of whomever had attacked, but he couldn’t find any. They had attacked and run, which was as frustrating as it was unsurprising. The fact that someone could be so cowardly made Remus hate them all the more.

The sound of shoes tapping hurriedly against the stone could be heard, and Remus’ fingers flexed around his wand before Lily rounded the corner, breathing heavily.

“Some students said they’d heard something,” she explained as she, too, hurried towards the boy.

She knelt down beside James and didn’t hesitated to begin inspecting the boy’s arm. He let out another sharp hiss of pain, and Lily’s cringe mirrored his.

“You’re a second year?” James asked as Lily used her want to assess the damage to his arm.

“Yes,” the boy replied.

Remus raised an eyebrow, unsure how James had been able to correctly identify the boy’s year when Remus couldn’t recall having seen him before.

“What’s your name?”

“Bryan,” the boy hissed as Lily waved her wand over his arm.

He flinched away from Lily reflexively, and she didn’t make a move to take his arm back.

“You have to go to the hospital wing,” she said. “Madam Pomfrey needs to look at that arm. This isn’t something that can be healed with time.”

Bryan hesitated before nodding and accepting James’ and Lily’s help with standing. He wavered a little, still not over the shock of what had happened, but he steadied himself quickly, keeping his shoulders straight.

“Did you see who attacked you?” Remus asked.

“No, they used a spell to obscure their faces.”

Speaking made him face the full reality of the attack for the first time, and he blinked tears away as he continued speaking.

“All I know is that they had green ties. They didn’t hide those. And they were tall. Probably sixth or seventh years.”

James placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder, prompting the boy to take a deep, shaky breath.

“Do you know why they might have attacked you?” James asked.

Lily flinched as if she already knew the answer and found it to be an unpleasant one to discuss. Remus took a step closer to stand by her side.

“I’m a Muggleborn,” the boy said, keeping his eyes averted from them. “They were calling me a Mudblood and saying I should be with ‘my kind’ instead of at Hogwarts.”

James’ jaw tightened, but Lily’s gaze held only sadness as she wrapped an arm around the boy’s shoulders and kept him tucked into her side. When she spoke, it was towards James, and her voice was firm.

“Take Bryan to the hospital wing, will you?”

Most of James’ anger dissipated as he took on his new responsibility with a slight nod. He motioned for the boy to come with him and placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. As they walked away, James kept up a steady stream of talk.

“Professor Dumbledore will sort it out,” he said. “Just wait and see. Dumbledore knows everything that happens in Hogwarts. He’ll figure out who they were, and he won’t stand for what they did. Don’t worry.”

Lily frowned as she watched James and the boy disappear around a corner. With a sigh, she turned around and seemed to remember that Remus was still there for the first time.

“I’ll go to Dumbledore and explain,” she said. “Could you let Flitwick know why James and I aren’t in class? I’ll find out where Bryan was meant to go from Dumbledore.”

“Of course,” Remus agreed.

Though he wasn’t sure if it was the right response, he couldn’t help himself from saying one last thing before they parted ways.

“Be careful.”

Lily smiled sadly at him. She didn’t say anything, but she gave him a slight nod and echoed the sentiment with, “You too.”

“I’m not a Muggleborn,” he pointed out, feeling the familiar dread in his stomach that came every time there was the slightest possibility that his secret had been discovered.

Lily gave a slight nod. 

“We can all afford to be careful,” she said before she, too, had disappeared down the hall.

Remus watched the corner she’d gone around, unsure how to feel. Memories of Lily with Snape drifted through his memories. Snape, the only student who knew the truth whom Remus didn’t fully trust. There was no telling what things he’d said to Lily over the years.

Remus shook his head to rid it of the thought. It didn’t matter as there was nothing he could do about it. His current goal was getting to Charms and trying to pass his NEWTs. That was all he could do.

* * *

Twenty-four inches about how simple changes could turn a healing potion into a poison. Remus felt like he was going to yank his hair out if he kept tugging on it in his frustration.

It had been a mistake to continue with Potions in his N.E.W.T. years. He’d realized that by the end of his first lesson in sixth year. He’d barely managed an E on his O.W.L.s, and his own surprise when he’d gotten such a score had made it seem like continuing was a good idea. Potions was certainly useful, and Remus needed all the qualifications he could get if he had any hope of getting a decent job.

But his E had been the result of intense studying that had nearly driven him mad during his fifth year, and the material had only gotten harder since. Perhaps the smart thing would have been dropping the subject after sixth year, but his own pride hadn’t allowed him to do it.

“Mind if I sit here?”

He glanced up to see Lily standing across from him, one hand on the back of an empty chair.

“Course not,” he said, trying to turn his frown into a smile though his mind remained preoccupied.

“Is that Slughorn’s essay?” Lily asked as she sat down and began pulling her things out of her bag. “You look like you want to set it on fire.”

“I admit that would be satisfying, but I don’t think it would solve my problem.”

“No, I don’t think burnt essays get passing grades.”

“Still,” Remus said with a smirk, “it might not make much of a difference for me.”

Lily paused from uncorking her ink to scowl at him.

“You’re not as bad at Potions as you make it seem, Remus.”

“If you think that, it’s only the result of my blood, sweat, and, occasionally, tears.”

“That’s all it is for anyone,” she replied, not looking up at him as she scribbled on her parchment. “The only difference is some people enjoy the work and others can’t stand it. No one gets good at anything without dedicating themselves to it. If you think I’m better than you at Potions, it’s only because I have more fun with the work than you do. And you have more fun with Defence than I do.”

She glanced up at him with narrowed eyes.

“I assume you’re finished with the Defence essay I’ve managed to put off so far?”

Remus couldn’t help but chuckle as he nodded, and Lily groaned, leaning her head against her hand.

“See, I wouldn’t have taken N.E.W.T.-level Defence if it weren’t for everything going on. I know it’s an important subject, but I’d much rather be brewing a potion than trying to remember which spell is most effective against a grindylow attack, especially when I don’t imagine I’ll be meeting many grindylows. I can’t even swim.”

Defensiveness bubbled in Remus’ stomach. This wasn’t the first time he and Lily had had a conversation such as this, but he couldn’t resist arguing back each time.

“It’s still handy to know though. You’re more likely to encounter a grindylow someone wants you to meet than find one randomly, which means you were probably thrown in the water. Ergo, it doesn’t really matter if you can swim or not.”

“Doesn’t it? If I take out the grindylow, I’ll still drown. Perhaps I should be taking swimming lessons instead.”

“Well, be that as it may, you probably stand a better chance with the grindylow than I do this.”

He waved his hand over his Potions essay, which was currently a whole five inches long, far below the minimum length requirement.

Lily motioned for him to hand it over, and Remus fidgeted nervously as she read it closely, frowning slightly as she analyzed his work.

“This is a good starting point,” she said once she’d finished, “but you’re glossing over concepts too quickly. You need to expand here and here.”

She drew asterisks to mark the areas she was talking about.

“If you explain those points adequately, you should have at least another six inches. Have you read Fadwell’s Guide to Brewing Poisons? It’s a great resource for this essay. I quoted it at least three times in my own paper.”

“No,” Remus admitted. “I’ve only been looking at sources on healing potions. I didn’t think to look at poisons specifically.”

Lily hummed in response. She motioned for him to stay and scurried towards the Potions section of the library. She was back within seconds, apparently having had no trouble locating the correct book, which she had clutched in her arms.

It was one of the older books in the library’s possession, with its cover only held together with magic. When Lily opened it, it crackled. The lettering was an elegant flowing script that hinted this book had been transcribed orally with a magical quill instead of with the printing presses that had been adapted from the Muggles’ invention more than a century earlier.

“Reading about poisons may not be for everyone, but if you’re going to, this is the best resource on them in the library. And in this case, you very much need it. It helps to come at it from both sides, not just from the starting point of healing potions. Slughorn’s told me that himself. If you do that, I’m sure he’ll give you extra points for your thorough approach.”

Part of Remus wanted to reject the book just so he wouldn’t get preferential treatment from Slughorn, but of course, that would have been stupid. Instead, he tugged the book closer.

“Cheers,” he said as he began scanning the book in search of the relevant pages.

The handwriting took longer to read than print would have, but he was able to find an interesting section that discussed poisons which couldn’t be reversed with healing potions, and just as Lily had said, it proved useful for expanding his argument. He had added another ten inches to his parchment before he thought he’d gotten as much use out of the book as he could.

Glancing at Lily, he saw her intensely focused on her Defence essay. Her brow was furrowed as she concentrated, but she felt his eyes on her and looked up at him with a smile and one raised eyebrow.

Remus’ shoulders ached after being hunched over the table. He leaned back, stretching, and asked Lily the question that had been swirling through his mind since the beginning of the school year.

“How is working with James going? He hasn’t thoroughly pissed you off yet, has he?”

Lily welcomed the break as much as he did, laughing as she laid down her quill.

“Honestly, no,” she admitted, pursing her lips as she thought. “I was nervous when I found out he was Head Boy. After all, he wasn’t a prefect, and he doesn’t have the greatest track record of following the rules. I thought Dumbledore had made a huge mistake.”

“‘Thought’? Past tense?”

Lily grimaced. Remus watched her hands as she fiddled with her quill.

“He’s doing a better job than I expected.”

She pushed herself back from the table with a huff, flopping against the back of her chair.

“Last year, I thought I had a pretty good handle on him. I knew what he was like. But now, I feel like I’m meeting an entirely different person, and that’s weird.”

She leveled Remus with an analytical gaze not unlike the one she’d shown his essay earlier that evening.

“I can’t figure out if I was missing something before or he’s changed.”

Remus snorted and leaned forward, his hands clasped together on top of his essay.

“He’s not an entirely different person, but he’s not quite the same as he always was either. He’s growing up, I guess, but what you’re seeing now was always there. He just didn’t do a good job of advertising those parts of him to a lot of people.”

Lily nodded as her unfocused eyes stared at something over Remus’ shoulder.

“He saved Severus in fifth year,” she blurted out, smiling self-consciously once she realized what she’d said.

Remus’ eyes widened at the sudden direction their conversation had taken, but Lily hurried to continue speaking before he could say anything.

“I don’t know the whole story. Only bits and pieces. All I know is something bad happened and James was the one to save him. If I ever actually believed he was a bad person, I couldn’t have after that.”

Though his stomach was twisted into knots, Remus couldn’t help but smile.

“He’s a good guy,” he said. “Obnoxious and immature a lot of the time, but good when it comes down to it.”

Lily’s smile was strained, but at least she was smiling.

“Has he only stopped tormenting Severus to impress me?”

Remus took his time with his answer, knowing that his answer could make or break how she treated James in the future.

“No,” he said. “I don’t think so. As far as I can tell, the idea of taunting Snape isn’t as desirable to him anymore. With the war and everything… It feels different now.”

He took a deep breath before continuing.

“I think it’s put things into perspective for a lot of people, including James. Dangling someone upside down doesn’t seem funny when you’ve read about it happening to people just because of who they are.”

Lily’s lips were tight as she offered a short nod.

“I could have told him that years ago.”

“I know,” Remus said with a slight smile. “And he should have listened. He’d probably tell you that himself. But in the most fundamental ways, James is the same as he’s always been. His ideas of how to right wrongs have shifted, not the morals driving his actions.”

Lily didn’t respond as she chewed on the inside of her cheek. Remus began to fill his bag, deciding that she should be left alone with her thoughts.

He paused before he left.

“I’d feel bad if I didn’t lay it out there that James has probably considered your approval as a nice bonus to not cursing Snape. Even if it wasn’t his primary motivation. Just so you know.”

Lily frowned.

“Figures,” she muttered, but she didn’t look as angry about it as Remus had worried that she might be.

He offered her one last smile before he left her alone with her thoughts.

* * *

They had heard the news before Remus’ paper arrived that morning. It was the only thing anyone in the school could talk about: the Minister had resigned after someone spread the information that there was a squib in his family.

Remus felt nauseous as he stared down at his sausages. He knew that not eating would make him feel sicker in the long run, but that wasn’t doing much to get him to eat.

“Since when does having a squib in the family mean you’re unfit to be Minister?” James asked while scooping scrambled eggs onto his plate with too much force and inadvertently splattering them onto the table. “There’s nothing about being related to a squib that makes someone unfit for office. This is ridiculous.”

“But not surprising,” Remus interrupted, looking down at his plate. “With all the backlash against Muggleborns and...others, it’s not surprising they’d start going after squibs too, is it? A lot of the purebloods are probably more scared of the squibs than they are Muggleborns. The squibs could be their children.”

Sirius snorted and waved his fork, speared with a piece of sausage, around in the air.

“My parents might have feared that at some point but not as much as they feared me or Regulus eloping with some Muggle just like dear old Andromeda did.”

“Wait.” James’ brow furrowed. “I thought your cousin married a Muggleborn, not a Muggle.”

Sirius shrugged.

“It’s all the same to my parents. I honestly don’t know if they can comprehend the difference.”

The joke led to a minute of back and forth between James and Sirius about how stupid Sirius’ parents were. Remus didn’t listen, too engrossed in his own thoughts.

Things had been bad before, but the Minister losing his job for something like this meant things were worse than he’d imagined. Before, everything had been done outside the confines of the Ministry and had been, at least publicly, condemned by those in power. Now the sentiments were enough to have an actual impact on the exact institution meant to defend against such things.

Remus laid his spoon down, unable to stomach the idea of eating more of his porridge.

He jumped when he felt James’ hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw his friends watching him with frowns. He tried but failed to offer them a genuine smile, and the hand on his shoulder became and arm wrapped around both shoulders.

In the bustling Great Hall, none of them said anything more, but Remus felt calm enough that he took another bite of his porridge, testing his resolve.


	10. Make New Friends but Keep the Old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I generally don't agree with writing dialect for reasons too detailed to go into here (you can always find the arguments elsewhere if you want), and I've made a conscious decision not to do it in the past, including when writing Fleur. However, we meet Hagrid in this chapter, and Hagrid's speech is iconic to a lot of people. So...I tried to recreate it here. I'm still trying to decide if I want to do that when I write Hagrid in the future.

There was something about a walk on the Hogwarts grounds that left you feeling refreshed. It had taken years for Remus to take up the habit. For awhile, he’d only come out on the grounds for classes or when with his friends, never alone for a walk. He hadn’t wanted to look like a loser who didn’t have friends.

Once he’d gotten over himself, it felt ridiculous that he’d been worried about such things, and he’d found himself taking regular walks to relieve his stress as his workload got larger in sixth year. He was sure he’d be taking even more advantage of the grounds as they got closer to N.E.W.T.s.

The late September air was just the right temperature as it ruffled the light jacket he’d donned instead of his cloak. Standing on the edge of the lake, he closed his eyes and let the wind whip at his hair. He’d needed peace after spending most of the day cooped up in the library trying to memorize the ingredients for the Draught of Living Death.

Was it still only September? He forced himself not to think of the pile of work left for him to complete by Monday.

“Oh, hello.”

Remus’ eyes flew open to find Rubeus Hagrid, the gamekeeper, watching him with an amused grin. He was standing far enough away that Remus didn’t have to crane his neck back far to see his face.

Remus grinned back, embarrassed at being found lost in his thoughts.

He’d hardly spoken Hagrid over the years, but Remus had watched him from afar at times, fascinated by the man who was from the others in the castle different from everyone else at the castle. Remus was sure Hagrid was half-giant, and it had made him want to know the gamekeeper to ask him how he dealt with prejudice. But, if it were true, Hagrid was hiding it, and Remus had decided it was better to keep his distance.

He’d done some research on giants several weeks into his first year. That was when he’d known for sure Hagrid was in a similar position to him. Remus was certain Hagrid’s job as gamekeeper wasn’t a profession he’d chosen so much as the only option he’d been provided with.

The knowledge he possessed from the books in the Hogwarts library left him feeling awkward as he tried to appear nonchalant. As a member of the staff, Hagrid was aware of Remus’ lycanthropy, but at least they both knew about that. Remus knew what it was like to wonder if someone knew your secret without being able to know for sure. Not unless you revealed the secret in the process.

“Nice day, isn’ it?” Hagrid asked, looking up at the blue sky.

“Yeah, it is,” Remus agreed.

He stared at the heavy-looking box Hagrid had in his arms. The gameskeeper followed his gaze and grinned.

“Importan’ business,” he said, patting the box with one hand as he supported it with the other.

Remus nodded as if that made perfect sense, but he had the feeling Hagrid was keeping secrets. There might have been a scratching noise coming from inside the box, Remus couldn’t tell before Hagrid stowed it away in an interior pocket of his jacket.

“Tell me if I’m bein’ too forward,” Hagrid continued, “but ter tell yeh the truth, I’ve bin curious ‘bout yeh since yer firs’ year. It can’ be easy with, yeh know…”

Hagrid scratched at his face, frowning as he tried to come up with a sensitive way to word what he wanted to say, but Remus wasn’t bothered being asked about his lycanthropy by Hagrid. For the first time, Remus didn’t hold any fear that Hagrid was going to look at him differently based on his answers.

“It’s been better than I expected it to be,” Remus admitted.

Hagrid observed him, his grin returning.

“I’ve seen yeh with yer friends. The four of yeh look close. Do they know?”

Remus smiled as he thought of his friends, bringing one hand up to rub at the back of his neck.

“Yeah, they figured it out by the end of second year. Looking back, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but it was pretty scary at the time when I didn’t know how they were going to react.”

Hagrid beamed. Remus swore there were tears in the man’s eyes, but he was tasteful enough not to point them out. He blinked rapidly to clear the moisture from his own eyes. He’d never stopped to consider whether Hagrid had been able to make friends when he was a Hogwarts student.

“Tha’s great.”

Hagrid sniffed before he could go on, and Remus noted that he had tried to be discrete about tugging a handkerchief that was large enough to serve as a baby blanket out of his pocket.

“I never had tha’ meself,” Hagrid admitted. “I like seein’ things change for others, ‘specially with the war an’ all.”

Remus frowned, remembering the newspaper stories about Voldemort recruiting giants that were similar to those written about werewolves. Things weren’t that different for him and Hagrid. Hagrid may not have had painful transformations every month, but he also didn’t have the luxury of hiding his giant heritage as easily as Remus often could his lycanthropy. Remus wasn’t sure which was worse in the end. He didn’t think it mattered.

“Listen,” Hagrid continued. “I know yer busy, wha’ with NEWTs an’ all, but I’m always up for visitors if yeh find the time. Yeh can bring yer friends. Anytime is fine with me.”

“I’d like that,” Remus said with a smile. “I’ll come.”

From the expression on his face, Remus felt as if he’d given Hagrid something that few, if any, students had before. If he’d known that speaking to Hagrid would leave the gamekeeper this happy, he would have bitten the bullet and done it years ago.

He wasn’t sure how his friends would react to Hagrid. They’d never spoken about him much other than when trying to avoid him during midnight excursions on the grounds. Still, he knew he’d be visiting Hagrid again whether it was with or without his friends.

Hagrid offered him one last smile and an exuberant wave before wandering off.

* * *

Remus had battled with insomnia since he was young. After his first transformation, his young self, not capable of processing everything that had happened, had come to associate darkness with the painful change, and he’d gone from being a child unafraid of the dark to needing to sleep between his parents if he had any hope of getting rest.

As he’d gotten older, he’d become too embarrassed to seek out comfort from his parents anymore, and instead, he’d been forced to lay staring at the ceiling for hours on end while he willed himself to sleep.

What had been a struggle during his childhood had come in handy once he’d begun Hogwarts and befriended boys who loved to explore the castle during the night. It had gone unspoken, but he knew his friends had caught on to his propensity for late nights spent awake. Their excursions had picked up in frequency around the time they’d caught on to his condition, and their most elaborate pranks that required days of planning had always been executed in the days leading up to the full moon.

Even the professors had caught on and taken to watching them particularly closely during those days.

The frequency of their late night trips had diminished during sixth year, when their N.E.W.T. work had caught up to them and studying wasn’t as easy as it had once been, but that didn’t mean the others had entirely forgotten about Remus’ difficulties with sleep.

Since being named Head Boy, James often wouldn’t return to their dormitory until an hour or two after curfew, when Remus was already attempting to sleep. On that particular night, he wasn’t back yet.

Sirius and Peter weren’t asleep either as Remus stared at his canopy and willed his eyes to stay shut. He could hear them. Peter was scratching at a piece of parchment as he attempted to finish the Transfiguration essay that was due the next day. It was the one subject he refused to receive help in out of a need to defend his status as an animagus.

Sirius, on the other hand, was determined to stay awake merely because his three best friends had yet to go to bed. Remus turned his head to peak at Sirius through the cracks in both their bed-curtains and rolled his eyes. Sirius always needed to be in the middle of things, and he would never go to sleep if he thought there was a chance of him missing something, even something as mundane as a story James had to tell about catching two fourth years snogging in a cupboard.

When James did return an hour after Remus had begun trying to sleep, it was with a flurry. He remembered the late hour only once he was in the dormitory and saw the hangings of their beds closed. After hesitating for a minute, he announced in a loud whisper, “Are any of you lot awake? I need to tell you something.”

With a groan, Remus sat up and tugged his hangings all the way open, only to be met by a widely smirking Sirius sitting at the end of his own bed.

A second later, James’ demeanor caught his attention instead. There was a spring to James’ step, and a brilliant smile was firmly in place on his lips. He didn’t look like someone who was tired and wished to go to bed after a long day.

He was even humming to himself as he tugged off his tie.

Remus shared glances with Sirius and Peter, who had abandoned his fraught essay writing.

“Prongs,” Sirius said, not worried about keeping his voice down, “what’s going on, mate?”

James’ humming abruptly stopped as he glanced at them as if he’d forgotten he was supposed to be telling them a story. With a content sigh, he settled himself onto his bed. His robes had been discarded along with his tie, and his shirt was half unbuttoned. That ruffled state was the least of his worries as he animatedly began speaking.

“Tonight has been marvelous, lads. Truly marvelous.”

Remus shared another look with the other two boys. This time Peter looked as if he were struggling to hold in laughter, and Remus couldn’t blame him. James was making quite a picture: half undressed but smiling like he’d gotten a glimpse of heaven.

“Mind telling us why?” Remus asked.

James flopped back onto his mattress, and both Peter and Sirius couldn’t hold in their laughter any longer. Sirius was able to quell his faster, so it was Peter who James flipped off, earning a wad of parchment to the face from Peter in return.

“I’m serious,” James whined. 

Despite the small spat, his smile was firmly in place when he sat up.

“You aren’t going to believe what happened while Lily and I were on patrol.”

“Did Lily compliment your tie?” Sirius said. “Tell you it goes with your eyes? I’ve been telling you that for years, Prongs. I’m offended that it took someone else saying it for you to believe me. I’m an honest man.”

“Shut up, Padfoot,” James shot back fondly.

Remus sat up and moved to Sirius’ bed to speak to James more easily.

“Lily asked me to go to Hogsmeade with her in two weeks.”

James bounced in place as he shared the news, making his mattress springs creak. He watched them expectantly, but for a few seconds there was only silence. Remus felt a smile that mirrored James’ growing on his face.

“Merlin, it’s finally happened,” Sirius whispered. “It finally fucking happened.”

He collapsed onto his mattress much like James had earlier.

“No more whining, no more building up your ego when she rejects you.” He propped himself up on his elbows and asked, “What will I do with my time now I’ve been set free?”

James picked up the parchment Peter had thrown at him and lobbed it at Sirius, but Sirius dodged it. Remus watched with half-hearted irritation as it rolled under Sirius’ bed, sure to be forgotten until the house elves came across it.

“I’m trying to share important news with you, Sirius. Can you stop being an arse for a few minutes?”

Sirius gave James an exaggerated smile, but they knew he was being genuine when he said, “I’m happy for you, Prongs.”

“We all are,” Peter said. “We’re also thankful that you’ll shut up about being rejected now.”

There was more sniggering from Peter and Sirius, but James ignored them, turning instead to Remus, who raised a questioning eyebrow at James’ intense gaze.

“She said that you spoke to her about me,” James admitted, reaching up to mess with his hair. “She didn’t tell me what you said, but it must have been pretty flattering, so thank you, Moony.”

Remus titled his face away as it burned.

“I didn’t say anything I wouldn’t have said to anyone who asked.”

James nodded awkwardly for a moment before clearing his throat.

“Still,” he continued, “thank you. I love you, Moony. Have I ever told you that?”

The warmth in Remus’ cheeks grew to a fire, and he couldn’t look at James at all.

“Stop being dramatic,” he said.

All four of them had exchanged the sentiment before, and Remus didn’t doubt that his friends did love him. But they’d only said it during highly emotional moments, usually when Remus felt least deserving of their friendship and they felt the need to prove themselves to him. It had never come when they were casually sitting in their dorm while they were supposed to be asleep.

Sirius jumped on the opportunity to further Remus’ embarrassment. He leaned over and pinched at Remus’ cheeks.

“We all do,” he said. “You truly are a gem, Remus. And apparently a miracle worker. Mind putting in a good word for me when I need it?”

“Just point me in the direction of the girl in question, and I’ll get on it,” he replied sarcastically.

Surprisingly, Sirius didn’t take the joke further. Instead, he crawled up his bed and began turning down his sheets, all but shooing Remus back to his own bed in the process.

“Whelp,” he said, settling himself in. “This has been quite the night. Congratulations to Prongs. I love you, by the way. Thanks for telling me how wonderful I am. And you, Moony. And you, Wormtail. It’s a big ol’ love fest, but now it’s time for sleep. Good night, sleep tight.”

Just like that, his eyes were closed and he was doing a remarkable job of faking sleep.

The other three Marauders shared a questioning look. For a second, Remus thought one of them might say something, but then Peter shrugged, and all three of them simultaneously decided that it wasn’t worth getting concerned with.

Sometimes Sirius Black didn’t make sense.

* * *

“Moony…”

Remus looked up and sighed at the way Sirius was pouting at him. He pushed his notes away, only regretting slightly that he wouldn’t be able to revise when Sirius was making such a distraction of himself.

“Yes, Padfoot?” he said, taking pains to sound more annoyed than he felt.

Sirius smirked.

“Tomorrow is Hogsmeade. Do you need to spend all evening on schoolwork?”

“That would mean I should do it now. Otherwise, I won’t do it at all.”

“Of course you’d do it. You’re Remus Lupin. The idea of you not finishing your homework is laughable.”

“And I finish it by actually working on it when I have the time to. Like right now.”

Sirius shrugged and leaned back in his chair, placing his hands behind his head.

“I just wanted to check in on the game plan for tomorrow. Prongs is the only one with a date, so us and Wormtail are obviously going to scope out how things go, right?”

Remus groaned.

“I don’t think that's a good idea.”

“On the contrary, Moony. It’s a brilliant idea. Don’t you want to see how it goes?”

“I want to hear how it went from James and Lily later. You really think we’d be helping James by gawking at them from three tables over in the Three Broomsticks?”

“No one can fault us for being in the most popular pub in Hogsmeade. We’re not going to do anything wrong.”

“Wrong? Maybe not. Smart? Definitely not.”

“It’ll be fine,” Sirius stressed, smile wide on his lips.

Remus leveled Sirius with a sharp gaze before his shoulders fell seconds later.

“We stay discrete,” he said, keeping his expression stern even when Sirius’ smirk made his stomach flutter.

“Discrete,” Sirius promised.

In the end, they weren’t discrete, but Remus had been expecting that anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be an interlude in Lily's POV that details her and James' date, including the snooping of the other Marauders.


	11. Interlude: Getting to Know Each Other (Lily Evans)

Lily fiddled with the drawstring of her jacket’s hood. She’d dressed casually for her and James’ date like she’d seen other girls do in Hogsmeade, but she didn’t feel confident in her choices. Perhaps she should have put on something nicer. She wasn’t sure what, exactly, since she didn’t want to be too formal for the Three Broomsticks either.

As she waited for James in the common room, she forced the doubts from her mind. She knew how long James had wanted to go on a date with her. Surely he wouldn’t complain about her clothing choices. Since when did she care what he thought of her anyway?

She didn’t, in the long run. It was just his initial reaction that had her uneasy. As much as she could handle James’ rejection, she didn’t want to see disappointment on his face when he saw her.

James descended the stairs, and Lily’s heartbeat quickened. She watched as his eyes scanned the room. When he found her, he smiled and waved before pausing as if unsure that had been the right reaction. Lily smiled back, comforted to see that he didn’t know what to do with himself either.

Standing, she met him in the middle of the room.

“Ready to go?” he asked, running a hand through his hair. 

“Of course,” she said with a smile, trying to conceal the way her hands were fidgeting by holding them behind her back. “Let’s go.”

She couldn’t help but grin when he visibly swallowed. She led him out the portrait hole to avoid him seeing it.

“You know, Potter?” she called over her shoulder. “I like you a lot more when you’re not acting full of yourself.”

He laughed but didn’t say anything in response.

* * *

“Have you seen the latest Quidditch scores?” James asked.

Lily crinkled her nose.

“I don’t keep up with professional Quidditch,” she said. “I don’t think I could name a team.”

James sighed, running a hand through his hair.

They’d spent the past ten minutes searching for something to talk about, and it had been for naught. She and James had lived different childhoods, which had led to different interests. Lily held onto a number of the Muggle things she’d loved before Hogwarts, but more than that, none of the wizarding interests she’d fostered since coming to Hogwarts were those held by James either.

She took a sip of her butterbeer as they descended into another bout of silence.

During prefect duties, most of their conversations had been about the task at hand or school work. It was remarkable how well that had covered their inability to have a casual conversation.

After a few moments, James regained some of his confidence. Forcing a smile onto his face, he leaned forward, gaze determined.

“You said you like Muggle things then?” he asked.

“Of course,” Lily said, rolling her eyes and smirking. “I did grow up as a Muggle who had interests.”

James ignored her mocking tone.

“What kinds of Muggle things do you like?”

Lily shrugged. She wasn’t sure how this was going to help her connect with James.

“Lots of the usual things: music, TV, movies. I still make sure to go to the cinema a few times every summer and Christmas.”

James frowned, prompting Lily to raise an eyebrow.

“Have a vendetta against Muggle films, Potter?”

James shrugged, leaning back in his chair.

“Not a vendetta,” he said. “I’ve never seen one, but Remus explained the idea once. It sounds a little strange, doesn’t it? Like a photograph, but it talks too? That’s neat I suppose, but are they really more than an hour long? How do you not get bored sitting there for that long?”

Lily laughed, too amused by the idea to think about harming James’ pride.

“Because the story is interesting,” she said. “A novel is longer than a short story, but that doesn’t mean it’s boring.”

From James grimace, she knew he wasn’t convinced by her argument.

“If you’d seen one before, you wouldn’t have this problem,” she said. “Not if you watched a good one at least.”

James smirked, some of his arrogance returning. He crossed his arms against his chest.

“All right then, Evans. What movie will be the one to convince me that Muggle movies aren’t half bad?”

Lily watched him until he was shifting uneasily under her gaze. She ran through movies in her mind and came to the only one she could think of that might convince him. (Admittedly, many of the movies she loved most were ones that James might not have found appealing. She wasn’t sure what his tastes were. Not yet.)

“Star Wars,” she said, deciding that it was the safest bet if she wanted to win. “It came out this year, and it’s been popular. You might like that one.”

“What about you?” James asked. “I can’t imagine you liking a movie about a war. Or at least that’s what it soundsー”

“That is what it’s about,” she said. “A war in space. It’s set in a different universe where humans live on a bunch of different planets. It’s part of a Muggle genre called science fiction.”

“So there are those strange ship things that Muggles have? Like the ones they send to the Moon?”

“Not exactly,” Lily said. “There are spaceships, but it’s fiction. All the technology is supposed to be futuristic technology, not like the things Muggles actually have. That’s part of the fun. The spaceships in the movie are a lot different from real ones. Think stuff that people want to believe will exist in the future but doesn’t yet.”

James hummed though Lily wasn’t sure that he fully understood what science fiction was or why people would watch it.

“I’ll watch this weird Space War movie.”

“It’s Star Wars, James. You can’t watch it if you don’t get the name right.”

“Star Wars,” he corrected. “Over Christmas holidays, I’ll figure out the Muggle cinema.”

“There’s not much to figure out just to watch one. You pay for your ticket and sit down in a seat inside the theater. If you can figure out Muggle currency, you should be set.”

“Surely I can,” James agreed with a large grin.

Suddenly, he froze, having caught sight of something behind Lily. Stiffening as she feared the worst possible eavesdropper, she turned and instantly relaxed when she saw Remus, Sirius, and Peter around a table on the other side of the pub.

Turning back towards James, she saw him watching his friends with a frown.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “It’s a public pub. They’re not bothering us.”

She left it unsaid how grateful she was to know it was his friends who’d taken to spying on them instead of a certain Slytherin who she knew had likely heard about her date somehow.

James gave a distracted nod, but it was interrupted by him scowling in the direction of his friends. Lily turned again to find Sirius watching them with a smirk. He gave a large wave when he made eye contact with Lily. Remus shook his head across from his friend, head tilted downward in embarrassment. Peter offered her a smile, but it was nervous, like he hadn’t wanted to get caught up in spying on them any more than Remus had. 

Lily smirked before turning back around. She could tell that James had become distracted. His eyes remained on his friends, cautious as he waited for Sirius to do something to draw greater attention to himself.

“Want to go for a walk?” Lily asked.

“Yeah, sure,” James muttered, eyes wide from surprise. 

Downing the rest of her butterbeer, she pushed her chair from the table and stood. James rushed to follow after her, looking dazed as he did so.

* * *

They walked along the streets of Hogsmeade until they reached a side street with fewer students. They weren’t alone, but it was better for a casual walk when you wanted to have a conversation. Most of the shops along the street didn’t appeal to the students who had descended upon the village. There was one selling gardening supplies and another cookware.

“How are things with Alice and Marlene?” James asked. “I haven’t spoken to either of them since last year.”

Lily frowned, biting at her lip as she considered how to answer. Mary, after all, had dismissed her concerns as ridiculous when she’d raised them to her.

“They say they’re fine when they write, just busy.”

James came to a stop, turning to face her. His lips were turned down in a frown.

“You don’t believe them,” he said.

It wasn’t a question.

“I suppose not,” she admitted. “Their letters are strange, even when I can’t figure out why I think that. Alice is an Auror trainee. Of course she’s as busy as she says. And it’s not weird that Marlene would be either. It’s not them being busy that’s strange. It’s more how vague they are about it? I’m sure there are secretive parts of Auror training, but even though we write regularly, I feel like I don’t know anything about their lives anymore.”

“That’s what it’s been like with Frank,” James said, “but I keep telling myself it’s probably just the Aurors’ rules.”

“Maybe,” Lily agreed. “I could buy that for Alice and Frank, but Marlene is a chronic oversharer. She’s always telling me things I’d rather not know, and now I couldn’t even tell you what the job is that she says she has. She writes like she’s done nothing, yet she says she’s busy.”

“You think it has something to do with the war?”

Lily glanced around at the other students, taking in how happy they looked despite what was happening beyond Hogwarts and Hogsmeade. She wasn’t naive enough to think that Dumbledore hadn’t placed security around the village before letting the students leave the castle, even if it went unnoticed.

“Maybe,” she said slowly, though her real answer was a resounding yes. She wasn’t sure how many of her thoughts she was prepared to share with James yet.

She watched him, taking in his reaction. He was a pureblood. She didn’t expect him to understand how fearful she was of life after Hogwarts when she would no longer benefit from the school’s protection.

“I want to fight.”

Lily stared at him with wide eyes, taken aback by the tight jaw and determination in his eyes that went with his words.

“You’re seventeen,” Lily said, voice trembling.

James let out a quiet growl.

“Why does everyone keep saying that as if it matters? The Ministry considers me an adult, and we need all the people we can get fighting against Voldemort. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to fight?”

“It’ll put a target on your back,” Lily pointed out. She gripped her hands into fists to stop them from trembling. “You could be safe if you didn’t—”

“I shouldn’t have that luxury when other people don’t,” James said sharply, causing Lily to cringe.

His face softened.

“Sorry,” he said, reaching out as if to comfort her but stopping before he touched her, letting his hands fall to his sides. “I didn’t mean to sound harsh. Especially not to you. I just hate the thought of not being able to do anything.”

“I understand,” she said. 

And she did. If there was one thing she knew about James Potter, it was that he wasn’t one to stay out of a situation whether he belonged in it or not. Even if getting involved held the possibility of death apparently.

“I’ll fight too,” she confessed. “I’m not sure I ever had a choice, but it doesn’t matter in the end, I guess. I’ll fight.”

James didn’t argue with her or tell her not to like she’d been worried her friends might if she made the confession. He merely gave a short nod and tried to smile at her, though it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Do you want to go to Honeydukes before we go back to the castle?” he asked.

Lily gave him a small, grateful smile.

“That sounds great.”

Their grins widened as James held out his arm for her to take, and she giggled as he pretended to be an old-timey gentleman as they walked, including calling her “milady” and bowing to random, confused passersby as they went.


	12. What's the Point?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot of angsty Remus.

Remus took a long draught of his butterbeer for lack of anything better to do. 

He didn’t begrudge Sirius his birthday party that had taken over the Gryffindor common room. Sirius lived for being the center of attention after all.

But James was thoroughly distracted by Lily, who was officially his girlfriend, and Peter was silently working up the courage to talk to a girl beside him on the sofa. Remus was far too distracted by Sirius’ drunken escapades to try and strike up a conversation.

It had always been the same when Sirius got drunk. He felt the need to talk to anyone and everyone around him, and the other Marauders would hardly see him for the rest of the night. It was his birthday; he could do what he wanted, but Remus was still annoyed.

A sixth year girl giggled at something Sirius said, and Remus took another drink of butterbeer.

“How does he do it?” Peter asked.

Remus turned to find him watching Sirius too, though the way his mouth was hanging open hinted at an awe that Remus didn’t feel.

“Do what?” Remus asked.

“Get girls fawning over him like that. He doesn’t even do anything special, but they’re all over him. How does he do it?”

Remus sighed and took another swig of butterbeer. His answer of “he’s the most charismatic person I’ve ever met” wouldn’t do Peter any good and would probably upset him. He loved Peter, but there was little use pretending that Peter could have the same effect on people that Sirius did without trying.

Sirius bounded towards them, making Remus’ stomach tighten. A sixth year girl was close behind him. Remus scowled at their interlocked hands and took another drink.

“Remus! Peter!” Sirius exclaimed, dropping onto the couch next to Remus and throwing an arm around his shoulders. “This is Krista.”

“We know Krista, Sirius,” Remus said with a roll of his eyes. “She’s been in our house for six years.”

Sirius paused, looking between Remus and Krista, who had settled on the couch on Sirius’ other side, cramming the four of them closely together. Remus tried to ignore Sirius’ thigh pressing against his own by futilely inching closer to Peter.

“Well, sure,” Sirius said, not sounding sure at all, “but did you know she likes those Thorton mystery books you love so much? Remus, I think I found you a girlfriend.”

Remus flushed, and he couldn’t use his butterbeer to hide his embarrassment because he felt uneasy at the thought of stomaching anything. Krista giggled into her hand and pushed at Sirius’ shoulder, but her good humour about the comment didn’t lessen Remus’ embarrassment.

“Sirius,” he hissed.

“What?”

Sirius tugged him closer, and Remus’ cheeks flamed as he felt the entire length of Sirius’ body against his. It would have been more intoxicating if he hadn’t done the same with Krista on his other side.

“The two of you should at least give it a chance. Talk about how epic the last book was and how you never expected the killer to be the victim’s child’s doctor.”

Remus pulled away from Sirius enough to give him a curious look, but Sirius wouldn’t look in his direction.

He’d recounted the entire plot of that book to Sirius after reading it and needing to express his feelings to someone, but that had been the previous year, and he’d been sure that Sirius was only listening to humor him, letting his words in one ear and right out the other.

“Oh! That one was my favourite!” Krista exclaimed, leaning around Sirius to babble about the book to Remus.

On any other day, he would have been thrilled to have someone to discuss the book with and would have shared her excitement, but he couldn’t take his attention off Sirius, who was smirking as if proud of himself but far more interested in the fire burning in the hearth than Remus or Krista.

Within minutes, he slipped out from between them to get another drink. Remus tried to listen to Krista, but his eyes kept flickering away only to land back on a gently smiling Krista several seconds later.

* * *

Everything was normal until the mail arrived. The influx of owls was treated with trepidation by most of the student body since the war had worsened, but the eerie silence that fell over the hall that morning was more than the usual trepidation.

It was with a heavily knotted stomach that Remus pulled his newspaper from the delivery owl’s leg, slipping a few coins into its pouch before it flew away. The other Marauders crowded around him, needing to know what the whispers were about as much as he did. Remus pushed aside his half-eaten plate, smoothing out the newspaper on the table.

He wasn’t sure if the sharp intake of breath had been him or one of his friends. The only thing he could process was the headline that took up most of the front page:

WIZARDING CHILDREN MASSACRED BY PACK OF WEREWOLVES IN NORTHUMBERLAND

Remus thought he would be sick in the Great Hall. He felt a hand on his shoulder but had no idea which of his friends it belonged to. They were whispering things either to him or each other, but he couldn’t make sense of the words.

The picture beneath the headline was of three children who looked like siblings. They were laughing with each other and not paying attention to the camera that was pointed at them. The slight blurriness of the image hinted that it had been taken by a parent unskilled in photography. Remus wondered how much time had passed between the photo and the murder.

Time became irrelevant as he stared at the paper. The flashes of memory he had of his own attack flashed through his mind and blurred with imaginings of the attack the children had faced. They’d been less lucky than him. The paper made it clear that all three of them were dead. Not just dead. Remus choked on vomit. They’d been eaten. All that had remained were bones with teeth marks that confirmed the involvement of werewolves.

A particularly hard clap on his back drew him out of the dark space he’d descended into. Blinking a few times, he became aware once more of his friends. It was James who had hit him, but Remus’ focus quickly shifted to Lily, who hadn’t been close by when he’d opened the paper. She watched him from across the table with a deep frown lining her forehead.

Despite being pulled back to reality, his stomach sloshed uneasily, and with every second that passed, he was more certain that he wouldn’t be able to hold it in.

“Do you need to go to the hospital wing?” James whispered in his ear.

Remus shook his head.

“I might need to lie down though,” he admitted.

He looked around the Great Hall. No one but his friends and Lily were paying any attention to him. Everyone else was too concerned with the news to bother with how others were taking it.

“We’ll tell Professor McGonagall you aren’t feeling well,” Peter said. “She’ll understand.”

In the moment, Remus didn’t care that he’d miss Transfiguration anyway, but he couldn’t find it in himself to voice those thoughts.

He had worked his arse off to prove he’d been worthy of the chance Dumbledore had taken on him, but it hadn’t done any good. It wouldn’t change what was waiting for him once he he left Hogwarts. The newspaper was proof of that. What would it matter if he missed his classes?

“Can you make it back to your dormitory?” Lily asked, making a move to stand just as Remus did.

“I’m fine,” he said quickly.

She sat back down on the bench, watching him warily. The fact he’d been short with her only made him feel worse, but he didn’t look back at his friends as he hurried out of the Great Hall.

* * *

Remus’ eyes fluttered shut against his will, and his head slid from his hand until it plummeted towards the tabletop. He jerked awake, unable to stop himself from gasping. Sirius sniggered beside him, but most of the class didn’t seem to have noticed. The scene was too common in History of Magic. Even Remus, who did his best to pay attention, couldn’t always stop himself from dozing.

It was even worse after the hell that had been the previous day. He’d hidden himself in his dorm until lunch time, In the classes after that, he’d been distracted. After an unrestful night of sleep, things weren’t getting any better.

History of Magic was a class that he was only taking because he felt he needed to be as opportunistic as possible when it came to future job opportunities. For some reason, at sixteen, he’d thought that historians might be enough like Binns that they’d never catch onto his lycanthropy.

He wasn’t sure why Sirius was in the class, but he suspected it had something to do with him.

Sirius was leaning towards him to whisper something—probably that they should just leave—when Cory Johnson, a Ravenclaw, raised his hand and cleared his throat.

Binns paused in his lecture as quills stilled around the room.

“Yes, Mr…” Binns trailed off, unable to recall Cory’s name.

The boy didn’t appear upset about not being recognized. He didn’t even bother to fill Binns in on his name as he began speaking.

“I understand the importance of the 1520 Goblin Rebellion and learning about the effects it had on modern society, Professor, but considering current events, I wanted to ask if you know of anything in history like the war now. Grindelwald is infamous obviously, but aside from that, I can’t recall a wizarding war like this one. Why now?”

If Binns hadn’t been translucent, Remus was sure his brow would have been furrowed. He peered around of the room as if he wasn’t sure what to make of the students who faced him. No doubt he hadn’t directly interacted with a student for a century or more. Perhaps he didn’t remember how to have a conversation.

“Pardon?” he asked, glancing down at his notes as if they’d provide him with an answer. Remus didn’t think they were even on the topic he’d been droning on about. “This is the final year of N.E.W.T.-level history. We have covered everything there is worth knowing of the world’s magical history. If there were—”

“I don’t mean to be rude, Professor,” Cory said. “I know your curriculum is impeccable and something you’ve spent centuries evolving into something as comprehensive as possible, but there was never any way we were going to cover all of wizarding world history in seven years’ worth of classes. There hasn’t been, for instance, much of any talk about prejudice against Muggleborns throughout history, but we all know that You-Know-Who didn’t come out of nowhere.”

Whispering travelled around the room as Binns’ eyes travelled over them, wide and uncertain.

“There’s always tension between different factions in a society,” the ghost said, sounding more unsure than Remus had ever heard him. He floated back and forth behind his desk in an uncharacteristic way. “That is a fact of history that is unlikely to change. History thrives on different factions of a population pushing and pulling on each other over time. You’re right that there have always been prejudices. There will continue to be until the end of time.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

Remus cringed and buried his face in his arms on top of the desk as Sirius spoke, eyes narrowed towards their professor.

“How can you say that nothing will change?” Sirius asked. “Sure, people like You-Know-Who are still out there spewing their shitty views, but it’s already better than it used to be, right? It’s stupid to say that everything’s just going to stay the same forever.”

Binns’ returning look was blank.

“You’re a Black,” he stated simply.

Something about his tone hinted that it wasn’t a personal recognition of Sirius that had led to his conclusion. Remus felt Sirius stiffen and raised his head, reaching out to touch Sirius’ arm as a caution against doing something stupid.

“Little changes, Mr Black,” Binns continued. “Almost nothing at all. I’ve read of countless individuals who have believed they would, but those beliefs didn’t stop the 144th Goblin Rebellion of England in 1824.”

Remus tightened his grip on Sirius’ arm, keeping him in his seat. Binns stared blankly back without pretending to blink like most of the ghosts did when interacting with the living. When no other student said a word, he turned back to his notes and continued where he’d left off, right down to the word. If he heard the whispers, he had more than enough practice with ignoring them.

* * *

After several days, Remus was still feeling lethargic. Though he pushed himself to go to class, it was with a strong reluctance. He dressed himself slowly on Friday morning, hating that he had to make it through one more day before what little relief the weekend would bring.

He dressed slowly, unsure if he’d have time to go to breakfast before his first class. He was only in his shirt and trousers, no robes, when his friends bounded into the dormitory.

There was alarm on all three of their faces, and Remus felt his stomach sinking as he backed into his bed and collapsed onto it.

“What is it?” he asked.

The other Marauders had gathered at the foot of his bed, standing in an ominous line to look at him. They glanced between each other as they silently debated what to do. After several seconds, Sirius held out a copy of the Daily Prophet that Remus hadn’t realized he was holding.

“Your paper came, and since you weren’t there, we took it for you.”

The knots in his stomach tightened. There was no hope anymore that this was about some inconsequential thing that only affected Hogwarts. Something much larger had happened.

With a shaking hand, Remus took the offered newspaper, immediately seeing what had shaken his friends.

The headline took up most of the first page, and Remus could hear it in his mind as if it were being screeched at him by a howler. There was no picture to go with the story, and it only served to increase attention to the words themselves.

MAGICAL BEINGS KNOWN TO BE ALIGNED WITH YOU-KNOW-WHO PLACED UNDER NEW RESTRICTIONS BY MINISTRY

Remus let the paper fall to his bed without reading the article. He had enough of an idea what the restrictions entailed, and he didn’t think that knowing in greater detail would do him any good.

“Let me guess,” he said, struggling to keep bile from rising in his throat, “werewolves are on the list.”

“Of course,” James replied, his voice sounding choked. “It’s ridiculous.”

“The bulk of Voldemort’s supporters are witches and wizards,” Peter added, “but you wouldn’t know it looking at that list.”

Sirius found it in himself to smirk.

“We should really just toss everyone in Azkaban and get on with it,” he said.

He sat next to Remus, resting an elbow casually on Remus’ shoulder. Not feeling up to physical contact, Remus moved to the side, causing Sirius’ elbow to slip. Unfortunately, Sirius lost his balance in Remus’ direction, and Remus’ concerted effort to push him off made Sirius laugh as he sat up.

Remus glared, not seeing how Sirius could find humour in such a shitty situation. He certainly couldn’t.

“You want to stay up here today?” James asked, pulling Remus’ attention away from Sirius. “We can tell the professors. They were really understanding the other day.”

“No,” Remus said forcefully. “And disappear right after this? No thanks. I’ll be fine.”

They didn’t buy the lie, but none of them called him out on it. Even Sirius was back to watching him with sympathy, and his cheeks burned from a mixture of embarrassment and anger.

“Let’s get on with it then.”

Sirius stood and spread his arms wide.

“It won’t do any good being late to classes as seventh years. We’re preparing to be responsible adults after all.”

He was the first out the door, and Remus found himself snorting in spite of himself.


	13. Interlude: This Castle Could Be Gayer, Take 2 (Sirius Black)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is missing Eric, or his kissing at least, but finding another boy when few people are out at Hogwarts isn't the easiest thing in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did my final edit of this interlude with a migraine, so I apologize if anything is widely off. I'll try to come back to it when I can actually think and don't want to just curl up in a ball.

Sirius was lonely. Not in his friendships but in his romantic life. His friend still thought he was sneaking off with girls regularly when, in reality, he’d lost one the one person he could kiss.

He’d been too quick to banish Eric from his life, but it was too late to do anything about that. His pride wouldn’t let him ask for a second chance, and going off of the glares that followed him in the corridors, Eric wouldn’t have granted him one anyway. That ship had sailed, and Sirius’ only chance was with another boy.

The large problem with that, of course, was that he didn’t know any other boys at Hogwarts who were queer. Since he’d had his own realization, he’d been paying close attention, and he’d come up with some guesses. But they were just that: guesses. He didn’t have enough to go on to approach someone.

If he made a mistake, he’d out himself in the process, and even if one of them really were gay, there was always the chance they hadn’t accepted that themselves and would panic if Sirius brought it up.

Now that he fully understood the terror that Eric must have felt when he first approached him, he felt even kinder towards the other boy.

It took weeks of replaying moments between him and Eric, wishing for something like that again, for Sirius to remember a comment Eric had made one day when they’d been straightening their clothes in preparation to re-enter the real world.

Though Sirius had been anxious to meet up with his friends, Eric had been adamant on getting his hair just right.

“Don’t you think it’s good enough?” Sirius had snapped.

Eric hadn’t eased up on his hair as he’d muttered, “Not all of us want to flaunt our snogging sessions like you and Brax.”

Sirius had figured that Braxton was an ex-boyfriend, fling, or something of the sort, but he hadn’t thought much of it. He hadn’t, until recently, connected the name Brax to Braxton Marchant, a seventh year Hufflepuff who sat quietly in the back of every lesson Sirius had ever taken with him.

He hadn’t been on Sirius’ “might be gay” list, so it hadn’t been easy to make the connection. But once he had, he was sure that Braxton was who Eric had been talking about. Eric and Braxton were in the same house after all. It wasn’t far fetched that Eric would have pieced together Braxton’s sexuality with more ease than Sirius, who had done nothing but ignore the boy for years.

If Braxton had been flaunting his snogging sessions as Eric claimed, Sirius certainly hadn’t noticed it, and it was that small detail that kept him uncertain about the boy. Even if he were gay, he was the last boy at Hogwarts whom Sirius would expect to do something about it.

When Sirius bothered to look, though, he realized that Braxton was attractive. He hid it in his posture and the way he averted his gaze from anyone who looked at him, but with more confidence, he could be stunning. Sirius watched him in their classes together, becoming a little more attracted to him each day.

He had been worried that it would be hard to find Braxton alone. He’d assumed the Hufflepuff would spend his free time in his common room or dormitory, where he could lock himself away from others, but he had instead taken up residence under one of the trees on the grounds.

His gaze found Sirius almost as soon as Sirius had begun walking in his direction, and Sirius knew then that both boys were aware of Sirius’ intentions. Any previous doubts Sirius held about Braxton not being gay were gone.

“You really pissed Eric off.”

Sirius blinked, taking a second to process the words that had been spoken in a quiet but determined voice. A second later, he laughed, not only at the words but at the wide eyes and amazed voice that Braxton used to share them.

Flopping down across from the Hufflepuff, Sirius made sure to put on the best show of arrogance he could, enjoying the way it had Braxton fiddling with the sleeves of his robes.

“That I did,” he agreed. “Have you?”

Braxton shrugged.

“Not pissed off exactly. We’re just not compatible. I appreciate that he was my first kiss and,” he blushed, “everything, but we were never dating. He can’t be mad at me for breaking things off.”

Sirius hummed, a small grin on his face. He hadn’t expected Braxton to be so forthcoming.

“So you just snog each other?”

Braxton’s cheeks turned a light pink, and he averted his eyes as he shrugged.

“We used to, but I got tired of listening to him talk. Then he met you, and we went back to just being friends. After you dropped him, I became his rebound, and it was fine. But we’re both over that too.”

Sirius nodded along and let his eyes travel along the length of the boy’s body, smirking at the way Braxton squirmed.

“How interested are you in snogging someone else?” Sirius asked.

“Someone else generally speaking or you specifically?”

Sirius laughed.

“I like you, Braxton. You seem a lot more interesting than I would have thought when you were sitting in the back of class all the time.”

Braxton frowned.

“It’s amazing what you can learn about people when you bother talking to them,” he said quietly.

“True,” Sirius said. “So, does that mean you’d like to snog me or no? I’d like to get potential rejection out of the way as soon as possible.”

Braxton looked at him shyly, and Sirius’ stomach tightened in anticipation.

“We can meet on the third floor tomorrow night at 7:00,” Braxton said. “There’s a broom cupboard there.”

Sirius smirked. He knew that broom cupboard well, and now he knew why Eric had taken him there.

“It’s a deal,” he said, holding his hand out for Braxton to shake.

Offering one last wave, Sirius flounced off, making sure to exaggerate his steps as he went, hoping that Braxton was watching.

* * *

The next night, as Sirius hurried from the broom cupboard he and Braxton had locked themselves in for two hours, he watched the Marauder’s Map closely. He tried to keep his eyes on the path in front of him, but they kept wandering to Remus’ dot hovering over his bed in their dormitory.

Braxton had been fine; Braxton had even been great. Braxton hadn’t been Remus, and Sirius had been painfully aware of it. Braxton knew it too, and there was nothing Sirius could have said to assure the boy differently.

It must have sucked, watching Eric move on with Sirius and then getting to snog Sirius only for him to be caught up on another boy. At least they’d both gotten to snog someone. He hoped Braxton was able to find someone else soon. The poor boy deserved it.

“What do we have here?”

Sirius froze, looking up and into the eyes of a gleeful Filch, a purring Mrs Norris at his feet.

Sirius clenched his jaw, the map clutched tightly in his hands. He muttered, “Mischief managed,” under his breath before stowing his wand discretely in his pocket.

“I was on my way back to the common room, sir.”

Filch narrowed his eyes, glancing at the map with curiosity.

“Shouldn’t have been out in the first place, should you?”

Sirius didn’t bother with a response.

Stepping forward, Filch motioned at the map.

“What’s that you have there?”

“Nothing.”

Sirius uselessly shoved the map behind his back, earning a scowl from the caretaker.

“Hand it over then,” Filch drawled. “I know something suspicious when I see it.”

Sirius couldn’t take his eyes off the map as Filch inspected it. It was blank, of course, and Filch had no way of confirming that it was more than simple parchment. If Sirius was confident of one thing, it was that Filch would never figure it out.

“Come along,” the caretaker said, stowing the map in the pocket of his jacket. “Let’s go speak to your head of house.”

His friends were going to kill them, and Sirius wouldn’t blame them for it.


	14. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore

It had taken some courage for Remus to make the trip down to Hagrid’s hut. He wasn’t sure what to expect from the man. Over the years, his interactions with Hagrid had been minimal, and though he seemed like a friendly man, Remus felt strange being in his home when he hardly knew him.

“I wondered if yeh’d come to visit,” Hagrid said as he placed a cup of tea and a bowl of sugar in front of Remus. “Mind you, I’d have understood if yeh hadn’t .”

Remus’ stomach twisted at the idea of not following through on his word and leaving Hagrid wondering why. He took a sip of his tea, hoping it would calm his nerves. What had him so worked up was a mystery to him, but he suspected it had something to do with knowing he and Hagrid had things in common that he didn’t share with anyone else he knew. He was sitting across from one of the only people who could have offered him actual advice, but he was too embarrassed to ask for it.

“How’re things?” Hagrid asked, raising his own mug of tea in Remus’ direction. “I’ve heard dreadful things ‘bout seventh year. Students are always complainin’.”

“Terrible,” Remus admitted. “McGonagall expects me to make a decision about a career, but what am I supposed to do? No one wants to hire a werewolf.”

He surprised himself by declaring what he was so brazenly, but Hagrid didn’t flinch like most people—even his best friends, in the beginning—would have at the reminder. He merely smiled sympathetically and shook his head.

“The world is full o’ fools,” he said gently. “Everyone’s always gettin’ up in arms ‘bout all the wrong things.”

“You’re not going to tell me that I’ll magically wind up with a job?” Remus asked defensively.

“Afraid not. Wish I could make it true though. I’ve heard nothin’ but great things about yeh from yer teachers. McGonagall’s particularly fond o’ yeh, but I’m sure yeh recognize that.”

He hadn’t until she’d revealed how determined she was to get him a job. Before that, he’d always assumed he caused her more headaches than anything else, even if those headaches were mostly Sirius’ and James’ fault.

“I was in the same boat, yeh know?” Hagrid said, staring down at his tea and tapping at the handle. “Not sure how much yeh know abou’ this. I don’ go spreadin’ it around, but I was expelled. After that, I didn’ have a clue where ter go. Not many places besides the Muggle world where yeh can work withou’ an O.W.L. to yer name. If it weren’ for Dumbledore offerin’ me this job, I don’ know what would’ve become o’ me.”

Remus watched Hagrid until the large man looked at him again. Hagrid tried to smile, and Remus did his best to return it.

“Yeh’re a lot better at magic than me,” Hagrid continued. “There migh’ be someone out there who’ll hire yeh. I wouldn’ give up yet. There’s always Dumbledore…”

Remus couldn’t help but make a face, and Hagrid trailed off, eyes narrowing.

“Wha’ is it?”

Remus shifted in his seat.

“It’s just that...I think I’d like to be a professor.” His cheeks burned at the confession. “But I couldn’t do that for a few years at least, and there are no jobs that would take me and give me the necessary experience. I’ll never have the qualifications.”

Hagrid rubbed at his beard.

“Dumbledore’s a kind man,” he said. “Don’ give up on him.”

Though Remus nodded, he didn’t think he had any hope to hold onto. They were silent for a few moments before Hagrid cleared his throat.

“How are yer friends? Tha’ James and Sirius are somethin’ else. Always amazes me wha’ they get up to, but Flitwick says they’re not half bad at most of their subjects. I’ve always thought they mus’ be interesting characters.”

Remus couldn’t help but smile.

“They’re pretty interesting.”

Hagrid gave a short laugh.

“You should bring ‘em around some time. The more the merrier. If they’d want ter come o’ course…”

Hagrid trailed off, and Remus gave him the largest smile he could muster.

“I’m sure they’d love to come. As soon as we find the time, I’ll bring them around.”

“Ah,” Hagrid said, hope shining in his eyes. “Mus’ be hard with studying and prefect duties and all tha’.”

“Yeah, you could definitely say that,” Remus said, trying not to think about the upcoming full moon on top of it all.

* * *

“Explain to me again why we’re visiting the gamekeeper,” Sirius said as the Marauders walked across the grounds in the direction of Hagrid’s cabin. “The guy seems decent as far as adults go, but he’s still an adult.”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“You’re an adult now, Sirius. Get over it.”

“Technically,” Sirius pressed. “I’m technically an adult, but I’m not a real adult. If I was, McGonagall wouldn’t still be searching for every chance she can find to give me detention. You can call me an adult once we’re out of here and I never have to scrub a trophy again.”

“Hagrid’s never given us detention,” Peter pointed out, glancing at Sirius over his shoulder.

Remus had been surprised at Peter’s excitement at the idea of befriending Hagrid. He was leading the group, with Remus trailing behind, as if he couldn’t wait to make it there.

Sirius scratched at his chin.

“You know, that’s true. I take it back. I’ll give Hagrid a chance.”

“How kind of you.”

Sirius smirked at Remus, throwing an arm around his shoulders.

“I’m a generous man to those who deserve it, Moony.”

Peter’s excitement turned to nervousness when they reached the hut, and he took a step back, letting Remus be the one to approach the door. Remus knocked, and it only took a few seconds for Hagrid to open the door, his face breaking into a wide smile when he identified them.

“Well, hello there,” Hagrid greeted, overcoming his surprise. “Nice to see yeh.”

James stepped forward.

“We thought this Saturday was as good a chance as any to make some new friends. The castle gets painfully boring after seven years.”

Hagrid laughed, patting at his stomach as he did so.

“I doub’ that,” he said, “but you lot are welcome ter visit any time. Come inside. Sorry ‘bout the mess. Wasn’ expectin’ visitors.”

Remus felt far more at ease as he settled in one of Hagrid’s oversized chairs. The hut was cozy from the fire in the hearth. There were exactly enough chairs for the Marauders and Hagrid, and once all five of them had settled in, it would have been difficult for a sixth person to move around them in the hut.

Hagrid wasn’t bothered by what little space he had to move around. He was humming happily as he put a kettle on to boil, not having asked if they’d like tea.

“How’re yer NEWTs goin’?” he asked as he took his own chair. “Seems like I’ve been hearin’ less abou’ you lot runnin’ wild in the castle this year. I’m guessin that’s why.”

Hagrid sounded more amused than frustrated, which might have been why Sirius was grinning despite his reluctance to befriend an adult.

“I keep trying to get these gits to do something with me, but they always have excuses.”

Hagrid smiled at him.

“Yeh can’t blame ‘em for wantin’ to get good scores. They’re importan’ for the future.”

“I’ll manage just fine,” Sirius said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest.

He would have been leaning on the chair’s hind legs if the chair weren’t too heavy for it.

“I’m sure yeh will. The teachers may be hard on yeh, but they’re fond of yeh too. I’ve heard nothin’ but good things ‘bout your talent.”

The Marauders shared sceptical looks with each other.

“They talk about us?” Peter asked.

Hagrid chuckled, a little flushed from the awe they were directing towards him.

“O’ course they do,” he said. “You four are some o’ the most talented in yer year. ‘S not like the professors haven’ noticed.”

Sirius snorted, though Remus was sure he was as surprised as the rest of them.

“Of course they have. Who wouldn’t want to talk about our brilliance? Especially mine. Tell me more, Hagrid. How much does McGonagall love me?”

Sirius spent the next half an hour trying to get information on their professors out of a reluctant Hagrid. Though Hagrid knew better than the relay to them everything he had heard, they—or Sirius, at least—did get more out of him than he had likely intended to share.

By the end of the afternoon, Remus wasn’t sure if it was Sirius or Hagrid who had the other more tightly wrapped around their finger. Either way, he felt warm inside for the first time in more than a week.

* * *

A sense of peace washed over Remus when he entered the library. Perhaps it was the quiet of the place or the fact that one could feel as if they’d barricaded themselves off from the rest of the world if they travelled far enough into the shelves, but he’d always felt peaceful in the library.

There was a small grin on his face as he wandered through the stacks looking for an empty table. He didn’t find one, but he did find one that had only one occupant: Lily Evans.

His grin widening, Remus slid into the chair across from her. She had been neck deep in school work and startled at the sound of the chair being pulled out.

“Mind if I sit here?” Remus asked, even though he was already sitting.

Lily shook her head and offered him a strained smile before turning back to her work. Remus sat his bag on the tabletop but didn’t move to take out his things, distracted by Lily’s demeanor.

She was a tad bit paler than usual, which wasn’t too surprising considering the climate of the world combined with the stress of NEWTs. Lily was a Muggleborn after all, and Remus knew what it was like to have to live each day knowing there were people out there who wished you harm.

Looking at her then, he really wanted to tell her how much he understood, but that would have meant revealing the truth. All of it.

Lily knew him as a half blood, not someone on the receiving end of prejudice. In the past, that had always been a good thing.

If he was going to tell her the truth, though, he wasn’t going to do it in the middle of the library. Instead, he settled for, “Are you okay?”

She raised an eyebrow at the question as if she was going to deny being bothered, but she deflated with a sigh a moment later.

“Yeah, it’s just,” she waved a hand through the air, “everything, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it.”

He considered his words for a few seconds before he said, “Have I told you that my mum was a Muggle?”

“No,” Lily said in surprise. His choice of words dawned on her, and her brow furrowed. “Was?”

“She died,” Remus said as if he were speaking of the weather. He knew Lily would see through it. “She got cancer when I was thirteen but held on for about two years after that.”

Lily shifted in her seat, keeping her eyes averted to the table. Remus was about to tell her that she didn’t need to apologize in that awkward way people usually did when they were told someone had died no matter how long ago it was, when Lily spoke.

“My mum, um…” She cleared her throat. “She was diagnosed with breast cancer this summer.”

Blinking several times, Remus found himself on the opposite side of the ‘dead parent’ situation, a place he’d never been before.

“I’m sorry,” he said, hating himself for not coming up with something better even as the words came out of his mouth.

Lily shook her head.

“Don’t be. It’s not as if it’s your fault. Only Mary knows. I’ve thought about telling others, but it’s a lot to unload on someone. So…”

“You can talk to me about it whenever you want,” Remus was quick to say. “Seriously. Merlin knows how much I unloaded on James, Sirius, and Peter when my mum was sick. You can tell me anything you want.”

Lily smiled at him, but it didn’t remove the tears that were making her eyes glisten.

When Remus’ mother had been sick, Voldemort hadn’t yet gained the notoriety he had since. He wondered what it would be like for your mother to be fighting a war with her body as an even larger one brewed throughout Britain. He’d been thankful before that his mum hadn’t seen what the wizarding world was descending into.

“Do your parents know about everything?”

“About what the _Prophet_ prints every day? No.” She smiled at him sadly. “It wouldn’t do any good to tell them about it. Maybe Mum could handle it, but I don’t want her to.”

She took a deep breath, leaning back in her chair before she changed the subject.

“So, your mum was a Muggle? What was that like? A Muggle mother and wizard father?”

Remus smiled.

“Nice,” he said. “I’d say I got the best of both worlds. I grew up getting to watch TV on Saturday mornings and play on my toy broom in the afternoons.”

Lily hummed.

“Sometimes I miss TV while I’m at Hogwarts. And movies. My sister loves to brag about all the movies she saw while I was away in Scotland.”

“We only went to the movies once or twice a year when I was kid,” Remus admitted. “They were nice, but I preferred TV.”

One might have thought he’d admitted to enjoying polka music from the look of horror on Lily’s face. She leaned forward on her elbows, pointing her finger at him.

“But _The Godfather_! _Jaws_! I just saw _Star Wars_ over the summer, and it blew my mind.”

Remus frowned.

“James mentioned _Star Wars_. He said you told him to watch it, but I haven’t heard of it. I haven’t watched many movies since I started Hogwarts.”

From the way Lily gaped at him, he knew he’d given the wrong answer.

* * *

Remus was too busy stuffing his textbooks back into his trunk to pay attention to James when he entered the dormitory for bed that night. He stacked Transfiguration on top, knowing he’d need it first the next day. His friends moving around the room were background noise until Peter spoke.

“How do you do it?”

Remus lowered the lid of his trunk and turned to sit on it, facing Peter.

“Do what?” James asked, casting a look at Remus and Sirius but only getting a shrug from Sirius in response.

“Talk to girls,” Peter said as if it should have been obvious, throwing his hands into the air. “Sure, it may have taken a few years, but you’re dating Lily, and Sirius snogs who knows how many girls a day.”

“A day?” Sirius said with a laugh. “You have an exaggerated view of my love life, Wormtail.”

Peter shrugged, collapsing onto his bed with a sigh.

“Each time I try talking to a girl, my words come out garbled or they laugh or something. At this rate, I’m never going to get a girlfriend.”

James came to sit beside Peter, clapping him on the shoulder.

“It’s your confidence, mate. You’ve got to stop being down on yourself.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “No one’s saying you have to pull a James and go on long speeches about your prowess in front of the girl you like, but you have to believe in yourself. People are attracted to confidence.”

Peter was silent as he looked between James and Sirius with raised eyebrows. Turning to Remus, he asked, “If they’re only going to give me bullshit advice, what do you have to say?”

James and Sirius began protesting loudly, but Remus ignored them as his heart raced.

“I’ve never dated anyone,” he pointed out. “I’ve never even kissed anyone. You shouldn’t be asking me for dating advice.”

Peter rolled his eyes.

“But that’s just because you don’t want to, isn’t it? Because of your secret. If you were willing to date them, you’d have girls lining up.”

Remus felt his cheeks flush.

“I don’t think that’s true.”

His words only received another roll of the eyes from Peter.

“Oh, come on, Moony,” Sirius said joyfully, reaching over to push at his shoulder. “Like we told Peter, you’ve got to have more confidence than that. Plenty of girls recognize what a nice bloke you are.”

Remus refused to look in Sirius’ direction as he spoke to Peter.

“If you really want my advice, just be nice to them. Ask them about things they like. You know, like things you’d talk about with a friend.”

“But I don’t want a friend,” Peter said with a frown. “I want a girlfriend.”

“Right, I know,” Remus said, “but I think girls will like when you connect with them about stuff they like. It seems pretty straightforward to me.”

Peter looked confused as he thought over the advice.

“I’m always nice to them though,” he said slowly, “and I still don’t have a girlfriend.”

“It’s not just being nice,” Remus tried to clarify, though he didn’t know how to explain it better than he already had. “Like I said, you have to talk to them and find things you have in common. Get to know them and be nice.”

Peter didn’t respond, but his brow remained furrowed until he was under the covers of his bed that night.

* * *

Krista had somehow become part of Remus’ life since the party where Sirius had dragged her his way. She’d find him in the library and ask for advice on an assignment. She’d sit down next to him in the common room to talk about a book. It was nice. Remus liked her.

The way Sirius had tried to push them together constantly ran through his mind when he was in her presence, as he wondered what her expectations were for spending time with him. It only became worse when he remembered Peter’s words about him easily being able to kiss a girl if he wanted.

Still, she was a good friend to have, and he didn’t want to push her away because she might have expected more than he was willing to give her.

She was pretty, was the thing. Extremely pretty, if he was being honest with himself. Remus would have been lying if he said he wasn’t attracted to her, and it was hard to deny that attraction when the words of his friends kept coming back up and making him think about it.

“Remus?”

He pulled himself back to the present to look at Krista, who sat next to him on the couch. She smiled when she saw she had his attention again.

“Sorry,” Remus said sheepishly. “I was thinking.”

“Not about _Roses in the Dark_ I’m guessing?”

Remus laughed. “No, not about the book.”

He was overcome with a sudden urge to say more than he had before.

“I know we haven’t talked about it since it happened, but I’m sorry for how Sirius was behaving that night at his party.”

“Why?” Krista said with a laugh. “He didn’t do anything bad.”

“I guess not…”

Remus trailed off, not sure how to word his opposition to Sirius without revealing more than he wished to.

“To be honest,” Krista continued, “I really like you Remus. I have for years, so I was thrilled when Sirius lead me to you. If I was left on my own, I might never have worked up the courage.”

As Remus gaped, Krista averted her gaze.

“You don’t have to like me back,” she said. “I thought I’d tell the truth, but we can just be friends. I know you don’t like me that way.”

“It’s not you,” he said before pausing when he realized how the words sounded. “It’s really not. I’ve never dated anyone before, and now doesn’t seem like a good time to try with N.E.W.T.s and everything.”

“I understand,” Krista said softly. “You have a lot on your plate, but I haven’t made things weird between us, have I? We can still be friends?”

“Of course,” Remus replied without thinking.

* * *

“Mr Lupin, could you stay a moment please?”

McGonagall’s words made his heart race. The other Marauders tried to stay behind with him, but one sharp glance from McGonagall was enough to send them to their next class with pats on Remus’ back.

McGonagall’s eyes were on the door as the last straggler left. She motioned for Remus to approach her desk, her face serious.

“Yes, Professor?”

He hated standing in front of her desk. It made him feel like an admonished school child, and for once, he didn’t think that’s what he was. James was taking his position as Head Boy seriously, much to Sirius’ dismay. There was nothing Remus could imagine them being in trouble for.

“I promised that I would find you a job, Remus, and I fully intend to keep that promise.”

His stomach sank. He had expected McGonagall to fail, but having to face her disappointment face-to-face made his cheeks burn in embarrassment.

“It’s all right, Professor.”

“It certainly is not.”

The rise in her voice caught him off guard. This McGonagall was more animated than the one he knew. The only time he’d seen her like this before, she’d just learned that Sirius had lured Snape to the Whomping Willow.

“With the Ministry’s new laws, businesses that once would have taken a chance on a werewolf are worried, but it’s not just you facing this, Remus. I’m having a harder time finding open positions for my Muggleborn students as well.”

“Really?” Remus’ own disappointment was momentarily forgotten. Lily immediately came to mind. She had so much talent. “But that sounds like something they’d actually get in trouble for.”

McGonagall’s frown deepened.

“No one has an official policy, and no one will say they’re not hiring Muggleborns. But you know better than I do that they don’t need to say it explicitly for it to be clear.”

Ice coated Remus’ veins. If people were emboldened enough to discriminate against Muggleborns, that could only mean the absolute worst for him.

“Thank you for being honest with me, Professor.”

McGonagall inclined her head towards him.

“I wish I didn’t have to pass on news such as this,” she said. “However, I haven’t given up. More than half the year’s left, and I will search the entire wizarding world if necessary.”

“Thank you.”

Tears stung at the back of Remus’ eyes as he hurried from the room.


	15. Revelations

“You know, Christmas isn’t far away.”

Remus glanced at James with one eyebrow raised as he continued piling textbooks into his bag.

“Yeah,” he said, “it’s hard to miss with all the Christmas trees and enchanted portraits singing carols throughout the castle.”

“Shut up, Moony,” James muttered with a fond roll of his eyes. “I just wanted to know if you were coming with me this year. Padfoot will be there, and I’m trying to convince Wormtail to come for a few days after Christmas. Maybe for New Year’s. We could make a party of it.”

Remus frowned. It was tempting. He’d stayed at James’ house for Christmas two years before, and it had been one for the memory books. The previous year, he’d escaped reality with his friends by staying at Hogwarts, and that had been a welcome escape from what he would have faced at home.

“Sorry,” he said. “I need to spend time with my dad.”

He kept his gaze on his bag. Though the Marauders knew everything that had happened with his mother and how badly his father had taken her death, he still felt uncomfortable each time they openly discussed it.

James clapped him on the back.

“I understand, but if you decide you want to come over, you can drop by any time. Mum loves you more than she loves me or Sirius. She never shuts up about what a ‘sweet boy’ you are.”

Remus couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Mrs. Potter, who had been nothing but kind to him since she’d met him despite knowing the details of his condition.

“That’s not true,” he said. “It’s Sirius who she likes more than you.”

With a pout, James threw himself upon Remus’ bed, laying back and throwing an arm over his head dramatically.

“My own mother has betrayed me for another son!”

Remus laughed, kicking at James’ foot to make him sit back up.

“You really should come over at least for a day,” James pushed. “It could be while your dad’s at work or something. I want to see if my parents know anything about what Dumbledore’s doing to stop You-Know-Who.”

Remus snorted as he threw his school bag over his shoulder.

“I don’t think you’re any more likely to have success on that front with me there than on your own.”

James retrieved his own bag before joining Remus at the door.

“Maybe not,” he admitted, “but it’s not the same poking our noses into others people’s business without you.”

Remus offered him a small smile as they headed to class.

* * *

“Lily wants me to go to Slughorn’s Christmas party with her.”

The other three Marauders looked up from the dinners to raise their eyebrows at James.

“Mate, no,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “You can’t do that.”

James shrugged, moving a piece of potato around on his plate.

“It might not be that bad. Lily will be there.”

“So will Snivellus,” Sirius said with a frown. “And every other obnoxious git in this school. Tell Lily that you refuse to be part of such snobbery.”

James squirmed, keeping his gaze on his plate.

“I already said I’d go.”

Sirius groaned.

“Have fun,” Remus said with a small smile. “Maybe something interesting will happen. Didn’t Ryan Hampton knock over the punch bowl one year?”

“No,” Sirius said. “That’s not interesting, Moony. If anything funner than paint drying is going to happen at this party, we have to create it.”

“‘We’?” Remus said. “I wasn’t invited.”

Sirius leaned towards him with a smirk that had Remus averting his gaze to his roast beef.

“Lucky for you, my invitation mentioned a date.”

Remus’ fork clattered to his plate, and he turned bright red.

“D-date?” he stuttered. “Are you sure about that? People would suspect things.”

Sirius shrugged, but there was tension in his shoulders as he reached across Remus to stab a piece of sausage off a platter with his fork.

“Let them,” he said forcefully. “We have to save James from an entire evening of boredom.”

“What about Peter?” Remus asked, gesturing at the boy who was playing with his food without looking at them.

He glanced up when Remus said his name, offering him a small smile.

“Sorry, Peter,” Sirius said with a shrug. “I’m only allowed one date, and James is spoken for.”

“It’s fine,” Peter said with a shake of his head. “I have the better end of the deal, right?”

His following laughter sounded fake to Remus, but Sirius and James joined in easily.

* * *

The party was everything Remus expected from a Slug Club party. It wasn’t as loud as the parties they’d thrown in the common room, but the formality of it made it worse. From the moment he walked in, Remus knew he needed to behave a certain way to create an impression, but he had no practice of how to actually achieve that. It didn’t help that his “date” was determined to make a terrible impression.

Everyone was in formal wear, and Remus had been forced to dig out a pair of dress robes that had been bought for his mother’s funeral, which left him in a worse mood.

He stuck close by Sirius’ side, a light pink tinge to his cheeks that could have been blush. Each time someone saw him, he waited for them to ask why he was there. He dreaded having to explain that he’d come as Sirius’ date.

Sirius had decided they would do nothing more than trail James and Lily. While Lily kept looking over her shoulder to roll her eyes at them, she didn’t tell them to leave them alone, and she didn’t seem keen on mingling with many of the other guests either.

They’d been at the party for fifteen minutes when Lily froze, her eyes on the table littered with hors d’oeuvres. 

“Marlene didn’t say she was going to be here.”

The boys turned, and sure enough, Marlene McKinnon was standing near the table with a small group of older witches and wizards. She was comfortable amongst them, more so than would be expected from a girl who had only left Hogwarts the previous year.

Before any of the boys could say a thing, Lily took off in Marlene’s direction, leaving them to scramble through the crowd behind her.

Marlene saw them coming before they reached her, and with a panicked look at her companions, she headed in their direction.

“Who are they?” Lily asked Marlene when they met, inclining her head toward the adults.

Marlene shrugged, unsurprised by Lily’s brashness.

“Just some people from work.”

“Ah, yes, the mysterious work that I couldn’t possibly understand.”

Marlene rolled her eyes.

“If you’re going to be like this, Lily, I’d rather not talk to you. I’ve explained myself enough times and don’t want to do it again.”

“Maybe if your explanations made sense, I wouldn’t keep asking.”

Sirius nudged Remus in the side and leaned in to whisper, “Do you know what this is about?”

“Later,” Remus snapped.

Marlene took a step towards Lily and lowered her voice to avoid being heard by the crowd around them.

“I’ve told you: there’s nothing to tell.”

She cast a careful look at the crowd around them, and Lily copied her before taking a deep breath. There was still fire in her eyes.

“Fine,” she said, “but I’ll figure it out eventually.”

“I’m sure you will,” Marlene said with the closest thing she’d shown to a smile. “As soon as you graduate probably.”

Her gaze turned to the boys, and her smile widened.

“Never thought I’d see the three of you subjecting yourself to one of these things. What are you doing here? And where’s Pettigrew? Did you lose him?”

Sirius wasted no time in his response.

“Peter didn’t have an invitation, but we all have to make sacrifices for love, Marley.”

He inserted himself between James and Lily, throwing an arm around both of their shoulders.

“Right,” she said, smirk widening. “I’d much rather talk about what’s been going on between these two.”

* * *

Patrolling was one of the most important duties of a prefect, but it was Remus’ least favourite. When he had someone to patrol with, it was fine, but late evening patrols were typically done alone. All he wanted was to get back to the common room with his friends.

It didn’t help that the whole castle had an air of uncertainty at night. There were any number of nooks and crannies for the unknown to be lurking in. When he’d been younger and exploring the castle with his friends, that had been exciting. Alone after wizarding Britain had descended into war, it was decidedly less so.

His senses were on high alert; no student would be slipping past him undetected.

There was a noise around the corner, and his heart raced. He held his breath as he inched forward, wand in his hand. He missed fifth year when a similar sound would have meant a roll of the eyes and surging forward to catch the rule breaker. He tried to remind himself that it was still more likely to be someone looking for fun than someone with sinister intentions.

Suddenly, a bolt of red light barrelled towards him, and Remus had a split second in which to perform a shield spell.

He ran forward, adrenaline coursing through his body. Rounding the corner, he found no sign of anyone. He turned in circles, looking for an indication of someone’s presence, but he found nothing. After five minutes of being on high alert, he was almost able to accept that the perpetrator was gone.

His adrenaline caught up with him. His ears rang, and exhaustion set in like he’d run a kilometer without stopping. His body wanted to collapse against the floor, but he wouldn’t allow himself to do that. There was no telling where his would-be attacker had disappeared to.

Possible reactions ran through his mind. The smartest course of action was going straight to McGonagall or Dumbledore to tell them what had happened, but Remus couldn’t bring himself to go to them. As foolish as it might have been, he didn’t want to admit that someone had tried to attack him.

He didn’t know why. Perhaps it had merely been a student enthralled with You-Know-Who and had stumbled upon Remus as a convenient target for their anger. But perhaps what had just happened was a targeted attack.

Others might have thought he was jumping to conclusions, but he was sure the culprit had been Snape despite not having proof. If it hadn’t been Snape acting alone, then it was people who Snape had told of his condition despite being sworn to secrecy.

And that left him too unnerved to seek help. There was little the professors could do to protect him once he was outside the castle, and he could easily picture his friends’ reactions to the story. There would be horror, yes, but they wouldn’t waste time before going after Snape no matter what Remus said. The last thing he wanted as to escalate things.

Outside the Fat Lady’s portrait, he stowed his wand in his pocket and pasted a smile onto his face.

* * *

As Remus stood in the living room of his childhood home with his trunk at his feet, he couldn’t worry about what career he would have after Hogwarts or how hard he needed to study to convince someone respectable that they should take a chance on a werewolf. All he could focus on were the memories.

“Everything’s in the same place as always,” his father said with a small smile.

Remus hummed in agreement, trying his best to smile back as he levitated his trunk and directed it towards his room.

The bedroom, too, was the same as always. While his mother had come in to tidy it up once a month or so, his father hadn’t bothered to do that since September. A quick wave of Remus’ wand got rid of the dust, but everything else remained exactly as he’d left it.

His father’s position within the Ministry meant that he’d never wanted for anything as a child except a cure for lycanthropy. The material things, from clothing to toys, had always been there.

Even as an adult, his room contained remnants of those earlier years. The books on his shelves ranged from picture books to old Hogwarts textbooks. If he dug through his wardrobe, he knew he’d unearth a box of old toys.

Despite that, his bedroom held less memories of his mother than anywhere else in the house. Being there was the closest thing to a reprieve he could achieve without taking James up on his offer to visit.

It had been nearly a year since his mother’s death.

Shaking his head, he pushed away the memories.

He left his room behind. The point of coming home for Christmas had been to provide a distraction for his father, who had to live in the house year round with reminders of his wife all around him.

Remus found Lyall standing over the kitchen counter. Lost in his own thoughts, the man didn’t notice his son until Remus pulled out a chair from the table, causing it to scrape against the floor.

“Is it alright if we eat some leftovers?” Lyall asked. “They’re from the pub down the street. It’s safer than my own cooking.”

Remus nodded even as he thought about how scandalized his mother would be to know his father was surviving on nothing but pub food.

After she’d been diagnosed, Hope had taught Remus how to cook. She’d tried to same with her husband, but he had resisted, perhaps because he viewed it as an acceptance of her oncoming death.

Not that his reluctance had made any difference in the end. She was as dead as she would have been had he learned how to fry an egg without cracking the yolk.

Remus watched Lyall place the food onto two plates and made a mental note to go straight to the grocer’s after they’d eaten. Maybe his father would be willing to learn a recipe or two.

Or maybe cooking would only remind him of his dead wife.

“So, how’s school?”

Remus internally sighed as his father sat down across from him and placed a full plate in front of him.

“Good. It’s just a lot of studying.”

Lyall’s smile was bright and genuine.

“You’ll do incredible, son. You’ve proven that much ten times over. Once you get those results, they'll be banging on the door wanting to hire you.”

Remus sat his fork on his plate.

“Dad…”

Lyall’s smile faltered.

“You had to have heard the news working at the Ministry,” Remus said quietly. “With all those new restrictions on werewolves, McGonagall can’t find anyone who will hire me.”

His father briefly closed his eyes.

“This won’t last forever,” he said softly. “These things come in waves. They ebb and flow.”

“So I’ll get a job eventually just to lose it when things flare up again.”

Lyall’s shoulders sagged. The distraught look on his face reminded Remus of why he had been against having this discussion with his father.

“Not necessarily,” he said softly. “But I’ve been saving money since you were five—”

“What?” 

Remus pushed his chair away from the table, staring at his father in shock.

“We didn’t know if you’d be able to attend Hogwarts, let alone what would come after that,” Lyall said, hanging his head. “Your mother and I agreed it was the only way to ensure you were secure in the future. Especially when both of us were gone.”

He leaned forward, shoulders hunched.

“We had hoped, of course, that you would never need it, but it would be there in case you needed it.”

“I’m not taking the money.”

Remus’ shoulders shook from the tension in them. His jaw quivered so much that he was shocked he could get words out.

“Remus—”

“No.”

His father leaned away from him, and some of his anger dissipated.

“I appreciate it, I do, but I won’t let my dad support me forever.”

“Perhaps not forever but—”

“No.”

Lyall looked as if he were near tears. Remus wondered if he was imagining the tragic fates Remus might meet once he was out on the streets unable to take care of himself.

“It’s all my fault,” Lyall muttered to the floor. “The least you can do is allow me to support you. I’m the reason for everything you’ve gone through.”

“What are you on about, Dad? You and Mum have done nothing but protect me since was I was bitten. If it weren’t for the two of you, I’d be much worse off.”

Lyall slowly raised his eyes to look at Remus, and his gaze was more haunted than Remus had ever seen it. Dread coated the inside of Remus’ stomach.

“You were bitten by Fenrir Greyback when you were five years old because Greyback wanted to teach me a lesson.”

Remus’ blood ran cold.

“You always said that you didn’t know who bit me. That it was a freak accident and we’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“In the wrong place when it was in your own bedroom?” Lyall asked before laughing darkly to himself. “No, I always knew it wasn’t a coincidence. Greyback was angry because of some less than savoury comments I’d made about werewolves after he was questioned about the deaths of two Muggle children. You were the collateral damage in his revenge scheme.”

Father and son sat across from each other in silence. Remus felt as if he were looking at a stranger. In the twelve years he’d been a werewolf, he had never bothered to wonder what his parents thought of werewolves before they were raising one.

“I need to be alone,” he said, not waiting for his father’s nod before he rose from the table and locked himself in his room.


	16. Interlude: Help Me Understand (James Potter

James and Lily walked back to the common room alone after Slughorn’s Christmas party, Sirius and Remus having escaped long before Lily would let James do the same. He wasn’t complaining. Any time to be alone with Lily was time he would accept happily. It was comforting to be walking down the corridor with her hand gripped in his.

As they walked, something that he had been wondering for days—but especially since they’d arrived at the party—itched at his thoughts again. He could no longer keep himself from asking the question.

“Why do you like Slughorn?” 

Lily turned to him with a furrowed brow as if she wasn’t sure of the answer herself.

“During my first Potions class, Slughorn complimented my potion and told me I had the potential to be a great potion maker. I know that he comes across as...elitist with the club and how he’s always trying to make connections, but he’s never been anything but kind to me.”

He hesitated for a second before replying.

“But that’s only because he knows he can use you later once you get connections of your own, right?”

He hated watching Lily’s frown deepen, but he knew she couldn’t be naive enough for him to be the first to make her think it.

“Eleven-year-old me never considered that. Now, I get that that’s what he wants, but I can’t forget how comforting it felt to hear I had potential when I was a kid who didn’t know how to fit into the wizarding world.”

James was silent. He’d never had a problem fitting into the wizarding world, having been part of it since the day he was born, but he tried to see things from Lily’s perspective. He could understand how a worried kid would latch onto whoever told her she had potential.

“I don’t expect you to agree with me,” Lily added before James could come up with something to say. “Slughorn turns off a lot of people for good reason, but… I can’t stop being fond of him. Even when I feel like I shouldn’t be.”

James couldn’t bring himself to argue that she should feel differently. He gave a short nod of his head and lifted her hand to kiss the back of it.

“I don’t get it,” he admitted, “but I’ll try to be less rude to him. I guess.”

Lily smiled and kissed his cheek, which was enough for him to not regret his promise.


	17. Keep the Old

There was a trunk that had been sitting in Remus’ closet unopened since they had moved into their house when he was ten. He had only the vaguest memories of what it held: various relics of his childhood which his mother had been insistent on keeping. It had moved from village to village with them, m stowed away in Remus’ closet each time, but it was ignored between moves.

It was such a fixture that, most of the time, Remus forgot it held anything at all instead of just being a piece of furniture that was there.

With his father at work, giving him free reign of the house, he found himself more lost than ever in memories of his mother, and he suddenly couldn’t forget how adamant she’d been that the trunk came with them on each subsequent move, no matter how much they downsized their lives in every other respect.

The clasps on the trunk fought against being open, and Remus was coughing from dust by the time he’d been successful, but eventually, he was staring into a time capsule that he hadn’t realized he owned.

An old pair of Hogwarts robes, perhaps his first, was lying on top as the newest addition to the box. He supposed that had been the last significant milestone in his life.

Carefully laying the robes aside, Remus was met with a trunk so full of items that he had no idea where to begin sorting through it all.

There was a scrapbook not too deep in the pile, and Remus pulled it out, running his fingers across the textured cover. He would have recognized the book anywhere. His mother had maintained it meticulously when he was younger. It hadn’t been unusual to find her at the kitchen table with crafts supplies around her as she arranged everything just how she wanted it on the page. He would watch her sometimes, but though she had asked him for help at times, he’d always declined, feeling as if he’d ruin the beauty she could create with little more than paper and glue.

Back then, he hadn’t thought much about the subject of his mother’s scrapbooking. She’d been documenting his childhood, of course, though he hadn’t cared much about that one way or the other. He’d hardly noticed that every page was about him.

He opened the book carefully, not sure how well it had held up over the years it had spent stuck in the trunk. As he turned the pages, he got the distinct impression that his father had charmed the book to protect it from aging.

The earlier pages made him smile, but they didn’t hold any memories that actually felt like his. As he progressed through the book, moments came back to him, and tears stung at his eyes as he thought about moments shared with his mother.

He had never known what happened to the projects that he brought home from school, but apparently, she had kept them all. Most of them made him cringe or left him chuckling to himself at the foolish things he’d been willing to draw and write when he was younger. 

One of them made him pause.

It looked like most of the others at first glance, but he knew immediately what it was. He’d been given the assignment of drawing what he wanted to do when he grew up, and he’d chosen to portray himself as a teacher.

The picture took up most of the paper. He’d drawn what he’d imagined he’d look like as an adult, and it was clear that his childhood self had held delusions of grandeur, making himself much larger than he’d actually grown to be. He stood in front of a blackboard with a book open in his hands. All around him were desks with stick figures that acted as students. Going by the numbers on the blackboard, he was teaching them math.

It looked like every stereotypical depiction of a Muggle classroom that Remus had ever seen, albeit one drawn by a child. The need to disguise himself had been thoroughly hammered into him for as long as he could remember.

He closed the book with a snap and pushed it back into the trunk, covering it with the Hogwarts robes and everything else he had pulled out, willing it to be forgotten once more.

* * *

_Dear Remus,_

_How are things going at your house? Things are a little, well, hectic here in Cokeworth._

_Did I mention that my sister is getting married next week? Probably not. I’d kind of forgotten about it to be honest. I don’t know how, since (looking back on it) my mum had been reminding me in nearly every letter, but I guess I just had other things to worry about._

_I’m not in the wedding, which Mum is peeved about, but I have to help out with the preparations anyway. It feels a lot like being my sister’s servant, which isn’t the funnest way to spend Christmas, but I’m dealing with it. It’s nice seeing my parents at least, and I hope Petunia’s friendlier once she’s married. Though I probably won’t see before I go back to school since she has her honeymoon._

_I’d be lying if I said it didn’t suck a little not to be in the wedding party. Petunia and I were best friends as kids. She definitely would have made me her maid of honour, but things have been weird between us since I got my Hogwarts letter. Anyway, her husband-to-be is the worst, so I guess I can’t be too upset about not playing a larger role in adding him to the family._

_It’s just hard knowing how much things have changed. I ran into an old friend the other day, and it felt like I hardly ever knew her. Being back in Cokeworth is strange to say the least. I’ll be happy to get back to Hogwarts. Even with the war, I feel like I belong more there._

_Hopefully things aren’t as weird for you as they are for me._

_Love,_

_Lily Evans_

* * *

Remus was back home for four days when he couldn’t stand how little food was in the house any longer. He had enjoyed getting to eat pizza for dinner two nights in a row, but the idea of having to eat it again was nauseating. He knew he had to go to the grocery store, so he wrote himself a list and went.

He was inspecting a head of lettuce when someone spoke from behind him.

“Remus Lupin?”

Dread filled his stomach as he turned to face Jonathan, a boy he remembered from his brief time at the local Muggle primary school before he’d gone off to Hogwarts. He could remember each of the kids in that class, but he was shocked that Jonathan could remember him.

“Oh, hello, Jonathan.”

Jonathan’s face lit up when Remus remembered his name.

“It’s been ages, mate. How are you doing?”

He reached out to take Remus’ hand, but instead of a normal handshake like Remus had been expecting, Jonathan used his hand to draw him closer for a second and slap him on the back. Remus tried not to appear surprised as they pulled away from each other.

“I’m good,” he said. “And you?”

“Great,” Jonathan said, and it certainly seemed genuine if the large smile on his lips was anything to go by.

He’d grown attractive in the years since Remus had last seen him, not that he’d been ugly when they were children.

“I hear you go to some fancy boarding school now,” Jonathan said. “Everyone in town had questions when you left, but your parents wouldn’t say much about it.”

Remus hummed in acknowledgement. He’d heard some of the rumours himself when he’d come home for holidays. Most of them were harmless, though he would have hoped people were paying less attention to the guy who disappeared to a secret school every year.

Jonathan looked down at his basket and hesitated for a second before he asked, “Look. I know it’s been years since we’ve talked to each other, but how about catching up? We could go talk in the park? It’s a nice day.”

Remus hesitated for a second, but for reasons he didn’t quite understand, he found himself saying yes. As he checked out, he felt Jonathan’s eyes on him, and he fumbled with the groceries before following the other boy out of the grocery store.

* * *

Jonathan led him to a bench on the edge of the otherwise deserted park. Remus sat down his shopping beside him and tried not to think too hard about whether or not he had anything that would spoil if he stayed to talk for too long.

It felt strange sitting with a Muggle. As a kid, he’d moved from village to village with his parents, never staying anywhere long, and that had always meant that any friendships he’d had remained shallow, evaporating as soon as they moved again.

Even though his parents had stayed in one place after he’d started Hogwarts, Remus hadn’t been around to maintain friendships with the kids he’d briefly attended school with before Hogwarts. There were times during school breaks when he’d see them hanging out together around town and they’d briefly exchange greetings, but no one had invited him to sit down and talk like Jonathan had.

“You probably think this is weird,” Jonathan said, leaving Remus floundering for a response that was both true and not insulting.

He needn't have bothered, though, as Jonathan wasn’t looking at him or expecting a response. A light blush coloured his cheeks, and Remus tried not to think about how the look was flattering on him.

“I came out as gay last year, and you were the first boy I had a crush on, back when we were ten,” Jonathan admitted in a near whisper.

Remus took a moment to process Jonathan’s words. Once he had, a shiver ran down his spine, and he straightened, trying not to appear as affected as he felt.

“I hope that doesn’t make things weirder between us,” Jonathan rushed to add, leaning forward before thinking better of it and leaning away. “I know not everyone reacts well when they find out a bloke is gay, but I’ve only been out for a year, and I’m working on being confident about it. And you always seemed nice in school. I think that’s why I liked you.”

He laughed before letting it trail off awkwardly as he rubbed at the back of his neck.

“I don’t have a problem with it,” Remus said, his voice cracking in a way that he hoped didn’t cheapen the truth of his words. “I’m surprised, yeah, but it’s not a problem.”

He watched Jonathan, his stomach twisting when he saw the way the other boy’s eyes flickered to his lips before making eye contact again. Remus’ breath caught in his throat as he thought about kissing the other boy. He couldn’t bring himself to mention his recent thoughts about boys, how he had dreamt about kissing one boy in particular, but it was oh so easy to lean closer to Jonathan.

Unlike with Krista, Remus could kiss Jonathan and never see him again, and that realization gave him the bravery to close what little space remained between them. 

Jonathan gasped as their lips met, and Remus felt his blood sing in his veins. The kiss may have been a one time thing, a moment that would lead to nothing for either of them, but Remus pushed closer, soaking in the feeling of having someone close before it was over.

* * *

Remus forced himself to keep taking bite after bite, not wanting his father to figure out that something was bothering him. He struggled to keep his expression neutral, though, and keeping things from his father bothered him more than ever since he’d learned what his parents had kept from him.

“This is pretty good,” he said, motioning at the food Remus had spent an hour preparing. “It’s a good thing your mum taught you how to cook. It’ll be handy skill in the future. My mum never taught me. Guess she assumed I’d get married and my wife would do it. It was true enough for my dad.”

Remus set his fork down on his plate.

“Dad, do you still talk to any of your friends from Hogwarts?”

His father mimicked him in setting down his silverware. Remus thanked any higher power watching them that his dad didn’t ask him where the question had come from.

When Lyall didn’t immediately answer, Remus continued speaking.

“I’ve never met any of your friends. It hit me today that you and Mum never seemed to have any.”

Lyall sighed, rubbing his hand against his brow.

“I see my friends every day at work,” he replied carefully. “I’m lucky that I have colleagues who I’d give that title to.”

Remus scoffed, feeling like the pouty teenager he’d always wanted to avoid becoming in front of his parents.

“That doesn’t answer my question about Hogwarts.”

Lyall scowled playfully, but there his posture was stiff.

“We’re on good terms, my old Hogwarts friends and me. Mostly.”

He leaned back in his chair with a sigh, holding out his hands as if to say ‘What can you do?’

“Friendship is easy when you're at school and have to see each other every day. It’s harder once you’re living across the country and have your own responsibilities and life separate from everyone else.”

Remus nodded as tears stung at his eyes.

“Remus,” Lyall leaned forward, covering Remus’ fist with his hand, “if this is about you and your friends, what happened with me doesn’t mean the group of you will end up the same way.”

Remus scoffed, carefully removing his hand out from under his father’s.

“Of course you’d say that, Dad, but you just admitted that it’s what will most likely happen.”

Lyall watched him for a moment in silence, making Remus shift uneasily in his seat.

“When you were bitten, I lost all hope you’d attend Hogwarts until Albus Dumbledore showed up on our doorstep. It was one of the happiest days of my life, but I was still terrified of sending you to the castle. We’d moved once a year since you were five to keep our secret, and you were going to be in a castle with hundreds of other children for seven years.

“The only reason I had any hope at all that you wouldn’t be found out was because Dumbledore promised to protect you.”

Remus stared at the table. His parents had acted overjoyed when Dumbledore had said he could attend school. It had never occurred to him before arriving that he might be discovered by the other students, despite his father’s urges to keep a firm grip on his secret. That fear hadn’t hit him until the questions he’d received after his first disappearance.

“Well,” Remus said, trying to keep his voice light, “turns out you were right to be worried, though Snape had it out for me werewolf or not. If no one had been paying attention like he was...”

He trailed off, suddenly not feeling as sure of the sentiment as he had been at first.

“I wasn’t right though,” Lyall said. “I hadn’t counted on Peter, James, and Sirius. After my own Hogwarts years, I hadn’t expected you to be lucky enough to share a dorm with three boys who could care less if you were a werewolf. I’d never considered such a thing when we sent you to school. When you wrote me to say they’d figured it out, I was terrified. When you wrote not long after to say that nothing had changed between the four of you, I was flabbergasted. I never worried for you after that.”

“And when Dumbledore wrote to tell you that Sirius had baited Snape and led him straight to me?”

Lyall frowned but gave Remus a shrug.

“I was angry until I reminded myself that Sirius was a teenage boy who was always going to do something stupid before he grew up. That was incredibly unfortunate, but I didn’t think you were wrong for having placed your trust in him. I only hope he learned from the experience.”

“He has,” Remus said, chancing a quick glance up at his father from the tabletop. “Mostly, I think. The rest of us not speaking to him for a month scared him more than he’d admit to most people.”

Lyall chuckled.

“That’s what I mean, Remus. I didn’t have a friendship like that at Hogwarts. While I’m thankful for the friends I had back then, they weren’t meant to be in my life forever. That doesn’t mean yours aren’t.”

Remus offered him a small smile, but he still felt dread in the pit of his stomach as he thought about the impending future.


	18. Interlude: Difficult Sacrifices (Minerva McGonagall)

Minerva resisted the urge to bite at her nails, a habit she’d been going back and forth on since she was a child. It had become particularly hard to control the urge since the war had erupted in full force.

Giving in, she bit at a hangnail with such force that she cringed and immediately regretted the action. She balled her hand into a fist in her lap instead.

There was a war, and she knew that none of her students would be able to escape from it completely. That didn’t mean she wanted to be responsible for pulling them into a war they were too young for, but that was what Dumbledore expected of her. They needed all the help they could get in the Order.

“Many of the Gryffindors will want to join this year,” she said with a frown.

Albus offers her a small smile in response.

“And I wish we didn’t need them so desperately,” he said with a shake of his head. “Unfortunately, I’m in no position to turn down an offer of help. All of your seventh years will be welcomed warmly should they choose to come.”

Minerva’s frown deepened.

“All of them?” she asked, leaning in towards Albus’ desk. “I’m worried about Peter Pettigrew. And before you say anything, I’m not speaking merely of talent. There’s something else about him that worries me. I don’t think he should join the Order.”

Albus looked at her for a moment before consulting a piece of parchment on his desk.

“We should always trust our instincts. I do wonder, however, is Misters Potter, Lupin, and Black would be willing to join if their best friend wasn’t part of the package deal.”

Minerva didn’t say a word until Albus finally looked up at her.

“I do understand,” he said gently. “There are times when I, too, worry about the boy. However, I worry even more about what would happen if I denied him the chance of doing what his three best friends were. That sounds like just the way to foster resentment.”

Though her lips tightened, she gave a quick nod of her head.

“You have a point. I won’t stand in the way of Mr Pettigrew joining. I know better than to get in the way of you seeing the best in people.”

Albus didn’t get a direct response to her words, but there was a twinkle in his eyes as he smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update will also be an interlude. I want to show what Sirius has been up to over the holidays before going back to Hogwarts in the next chapter.


	19. Interlude: Long Time No See (Sirius Black)

A large smile graced Sirius’ lips as he stood on Andromeda’s doorstep, even as his heart pounded in his chest. It had been years since he’d seen her; he had a right to be a little nervous. She’d cut off all ties with her family, so he had no guarantee that she’d want him at her house. Perhaps she wouldn’t give him enough time to explain that he, too, had defected and been blasted from the family tapestry.

With that in mind, he knocked.

In the time it took Andromeda to come to the door, his palms began to sweat. Still, he was relieved when it was his cousin who opened the door and not her husband. Her eyes widened when she saw him standing there, and Sirius’ smile brightened. He couldn’t control it. Andromeda had long been the only family member he trusted, and he hadn’t realized how much he missed her until she was in front of him again.

He itched to reach out and hug her, but he forced himself to hold back.

“Hello, Andromeda.”

“Sirius,” she breathed, rushing forward to wrap him in a hug. “What are you doing here?”

He squeezed her tightly as he answered, “Visiting you of course. I, uh, ran away from home a couple of years ago, but I just now figured out where you live. I wanted to come.”

She pulled back from him, a large smile on her face.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Her eyes looked him up and down as if inspecting him for signs of malnourishment or neglect. He didn’t have any of those. His time away from his parents meant that he was better than ever, and he unconsciously straightened his posture as she watched him to show this.

She gave his shoulders one last squeeze before letting go of him.

“Come inside,” she said, stepping aside to let him past her.

A curious girl of about five stood several feet inside the door, staring at Sirius with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.

“Nymphadora,” Andromeda said gently, stooping down to the girl’s level. “This is your cousin Sirius.”

Her mother’s words didn’t lessen Nymphadora’s confusion over his sudden appearance, but she nodded in response regardless.

“Why don’t you go play?” Andromeda suggested, motioning towards what must have been the sitting room. “Sirius and I need to talk for a while.”

Nymphadora didn’t argue with her mother, though she made the retreat to the sitting room slowly and with more than a few looks tossed over her shoulder. Sirius watched her go with as much curiosity towards her as she was showing towards him. He hadn’t known Andromeda had any children, and he wanted to know more about the girl who was getting a chance to grow up away from the Blacks.

“This way,” Andromeda said, tugging on his sleeve to get his attention before leading him to the kitchen.

The house appeared to be as spotless as Grimmauld Place, but Sirius wasn’t terrified of touching something and ruining it like he was there. Instead, there was something comforting about the space. Sirius could tell that the kitchen was well used, not just for cooking but for eating as well. It was a place that exuded warmth, and Sirius knew how thankful Andromeda must have been for it after the childhood they had shared.

“Did you really run away from home?” Andromeda asked, her voice wavering.

“Yes,” Sirius said with a nod. “I haven’t been home since Christmas holidays in my third year. I live with my mate James now.”

Andromeda stared at him for a moment before sighing.

“I always knew you’d follow me eventually, but I didn’t think you’d manage it before you’d left Hogwarts.”

“I’m disappointed that you underestimated me so much, Dromeda,” Sirius said with a grin, crossing his arms against his chest and leaning back in his chair. “There’s only so much screaming one can take before you have to get out. James’ parents were willing to take me in, so there wasn’t much choice.”

Andromeda’s smile was soft as she tilted her head to the side.

“I’m glad you have them then.”

Something flashed in her eyes, and her smile lessened.

“How is Regulus?”

Sirius groaned and rolled his eyes.

“He’s still at Grimmauld Place worshipping the ground our parents walk on. You really think I managed to get him to leave with me?”

Andromeda bit at her lip, a habit that used to get her in trouble when they were younger. She had no second thoughts about indulging in it now.

“No, I imagine he would have been a hard sell, but I do hope you tried. Regulus wouldn’t hurt a fly unless someone else told him to, but his greatest pleasure is pleasing people. You know that. With the war and our family… Well, I worry what he’ll get up to one of these days.”

Sirius scoffed.

“If he gets into trouble, that’s his fault. I can’t chase after him forever fixing his messes, Dromeda. He can take care of himself.”

Andromeda’s bottom lip was white from the pressure of her teeth, but she nodded.

“Anyway,” Sirius said, leaning forward over the table, “I didn’t visit to talk about Regulus. How are things with you?”

For the next hour, they spoke about Ted and Nymphadora. It was as warm and wonderful as Sirius had always hoped Andromeda’s life would be once she disappeared from his. He even got to play with Nymphadora, and he found in her the sort of cousin he had always wished he had. As much as he loved Andromeda, Nymphadora was something else entirely.

He never did work up the courage to tell her about the boy he liked as he had hoped to, but one day soon, he would. He was sure of that. He just had to work up his courage first.


	20. People Always Surprise You

“Remus, we need you to back us up.”

Remus glanced up from the book he’d been reading while waiting for his friends to join him in their usual compartment on the train. He hadn’t expected to have favors demanded of him the second they arrived, but he supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Back you up on what?” he asked Sirius, marking his place in his book and placing it beside him.

Sirius smirked as he threw himself on the bench across from Remus. With James having claimed the spot next to Remus, Peter unceremoniously knocked Sirius’ feet to the floor, making Sirius laugh as he rearranged himself to sit in the typical fashion.

“Tell Peter to ask out the girl he likes,” he said as he placed his arms behind his head and stretched his legs out on the floor so that they reached towards Remus.

Suddenly, Peter was much more interesting than the proximity of Sirius’ feet to his.

“You like someone?”

Peter blushed at Remus’ question, not looking at him as he fiddled with his sleeve. It was sweet, Remus decided, how flustered he looked about it.

“Maybe,” he said slowly, “but James and Sirius think I should ask her out, and I’d rather not face humiliation.”

“Tell him.” Sirius nudged at Remus’ foot with his own, and Remus struggled not to draw himself back in response. “Tell him he should do it.”

Remus raised an eyebrow in Sirius’ direction, trying to figure out how he’d gotten it into his head that this would be a funny joke. Remus loved all three of his friends dearly, but Peter wasn’t entirely wrong in thinking such a thing could end in rejection, if not outright humiliation. The girls in their year weren’t really chomping at the bit to date Peter, and as far as he knew, there wasn’t an exception to that.

Sirius, though, appeared nothing but innocent while he watched Remus with an expectant tilt of his head.

“He should do it,” James said.

He smiled at Remus in reassurance, having caught on to his reluctance to trust Sirius.

“It’ll give him the confidence he needs,” James concluded. “Sometimes you just have to go for it, whether you’re confident it’ll work out or not. Even I’ve been turned down Peter.” He ignored Sirius’ snort. “That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a shot.”

Remus did his best not to roll his eyes. He understood wanting to make Peter more sure of himself; Remus tried to compliment him whenever possible to do the same. But he wasn’t sure telling him to just face rejection was the right way of going about it.

“You should do whatever feels right,” he told Peter.

Far from comforting him, Peter squirmed in discomfort at Remus’ advice.

“I want to be confident enough to do it,” he admitted, “but I don’t think I am.”

“You know what would make you confident?” Sirius asked. “Actually doing it.”

“Sirius, stop,” Remus said.

Sirius shrugged, far from affected by Remus’ half-hearted attempt at scolding him.

Peter, however, didn’t seem to be listening anymore. He was looking at the door to the compartment with a tight jaw and squared shoulders.

“I’ll do it.”

The other three boys fell quiet, as they gaped at him. For a beat, no one said anything. Then Sirius let out a loud whoop and rose from his seat.

“Merlin, Padfoot. Sit down.”

Sirius did as Remus had instructed, smirking as if he’d won some argument that Remus hadn’t realized they were having.

“I’m going to do it,” Peter repeated.

He’d tuned the rest of them out. Even Sirius’ cheering hadn’t reached him. He stood, staring into space at something the rest of them couldn’t see.

“Go for it,” James urged, getting a nod in response.

“I'm going for it.”

It took several seconds of nodding and a nudge from Sirius for Peter to realize that he wasn’t actually making any moves to do what he’d said he would.

The others stared after him as he disappeared down the corridor, their mouths hanging open.

“Who’s he asking out?” Remus asked, suddenly realizing that no one had informed him of that detail.

He wasn’t expecting Sirius’ and James’ shrugs.

“That’s the big secret,” Sirius said. “He wouldn’t tell us a thing about her except that she’s apparently the most beautiful girl in school.”

“I told him that if he asked Lily out I’d never forgive him, and he ruled that out. Other than that, it could be any girl in school.”

“And you encouraged him to ask her out on nothing more than that?”

James raised an eyebrow. He had a genuinely perplexed look on his face.

“Why wouldn’t we? If he likes her, he should go for it. Maybe she says no and he’s upset, but maybe she says yes. It’s worth a shot.”

Remus wasn’t sure if he agreed with that or not, but he could tell that James—and Sirius if his nodding was anything to go by—both thought it to be true. Perhaps they knew better than he did. They had both, after all, asked girls out before while Remus had tried to avoid developing feelings in the first place for fear of where they might lead.

“Relax, Moony,” Sirius said, closing his eyes as if he were about to take a nap. “He has to work up the courage to ask someone out eventually. If it doesn’t work out, it was practice for the next time.”

“I just hope he’s not crushed.”

Neither James nor Sirius spoke as Remus pressed his head back into the seat behind him and waited for Peter to return.

* * *

It took half an hour for Peter to return, and by that time, all three of them were anxious.

“Do you think this means she said yes and they snuck off to snog, or do you think she said no and Wormtail’s locked himself in a toilet stall where we should go find him?” Sirius asked after twenty minutes had passed.

The other two boys had shrugged, and instead of going looking for their friend, they continued to sit in anxious silence.

“Why didn’t one of us go with him?” James asked after twenty-five minutes. “We could have provided support, and more importantly, we wouldn’t be in the dark right now.”

Sirius shrugged.

“I just figured that he’d rather do it without an audience.”

When Peter did appear at the door, James was on his feet in seconds, looking Peter up and down for signs of emotional distress. Peter was smiling though and didn’t appear the least bit upset, something that Remus was ashamed of being surprised over.

“What happened?” James asked as he mirrored Peter in taking a seat. “What did she say?”

“She said yes. We’re going to Hogsmeade together in February.”

Peter was trembling with excitement. Sirius let out a cheer and clapped him hard on the shoulder.

“I knew you had it in you, Wormtail!”

Peter beamed. His cheeks had a light pink tint to them that Remus was most used to seeing when he managed to get a decent score on an assignment.

“You’ll tell us who she is now, right?” James asked.

Peter grew shy at the question, but he gave a slight nod before saying, “It’s Sandra.”

The compartment fell silent as the other three boys looked at Peter in shock.

“Sandra, Ravenclaw prefect Sandra?” James asked. “The one who totally would have been Head Girl if Lily hadn’t been chosen and who’s her house’s star Quidditch player, the one almost single-handedly giving Gryffindor a run for our money this year. That Sandra?”

“Is there another Sandra at Hogwarts?” Peter asked in a tone that implied he was genuinely inquiring. “Yes, that Sandra.”

Peter shifted uncomfortably as the others continued to gawk. Remus got the distinct impression that Sirius and James would never have encouraged Peter to go for it with the girl he liked if they’d known that Sandra was the girl in question.

After a moment, Sirius burst into laughter.

“Way to go, mate. Who’d have thought you’d work up the nerve to ask out one of the most popular girls in school. I’m impressed.”

Peter muttered a thank you under his breath, still looking embarrassed, if proud, about the whole thing.

* * *

By the end of the first week back, it felt as if the Christmas holidays had never happened. The pressure of their upcoming NEWTs was as heavy as it had been in December, and Remus found himself full of the same anxieties that had haunted him for the duration of the first term.

As he walked from his last class of the day to the library, he couldn’t help but run through everything McGonagall had told them in class that day. Some of it had been review, but plenty of it had been new material. Remus knew a lot of it would come up on the exam, and his commitment to memorizing it was so strong that he didn’t notice the group of Slytherins that had congregated in the corridor, not far from the library, until he was only a few feet away.

He immediately cursed himself for coming to the library alone. It wasn’t usually a big deal. He’d been doing it for seven years, but he wished, for once, that he’d forced one of his friends to come along. Instead, they’d all gone to mess around on the grounds, insistent that they needed a break before they started on their homework.

“Busy, Lupin?” Avery sneered.

Remus was careful to keep his face an emotionless mask. He’d been facing torment from the same group of Slytherins since he was a first year, and he refused to let them see his weaknesses anymore.

“Of course I am, Avery,” he responded carefully. “Some of us would like to pass our NEWTs.”

Avery scowled, and Remus held back a pointed jab about how miserable the other boy was at Defense. Though his performance really was cringeworthy.

“Not like it matters much for you though, is it?” Mulciber said with a laugh. “You’re not going to be rolling in job offers come June, are you?”

If Remus didn’t have so much experience dealing with them, his shock would have been plain on his face. As it was, he merely raised an eyebrow, careful to make it appear as if he held nothing more than a passing curiosity about Mulciber’s statement.

“Rolling in them? Maybe not,” he said. “I never claimed to be the next Dumbledore.”

Mulciber and Avery groaned in disgust at the reference to Dumbledore. Snape, the third in their trio, didn’t react at all however. He was leaning against the wall behind Mulciber and Avery, looking bored with the whole situation. He seemed to hold no desire to taunt Remus with the others.

It had been a long time since he had last done so, and Remus suspected it was a mixture of reluctance to make himself a target of the Marauders and a desperate bid to regain Lily’s friendship.

“Can’t wait to see you get knocked down a peg once we’re out of Hogwarts and you’re living on the streets,” Avery joked. “It’ll be a nice reminder of your place.”

Remus struggled to keep his breathing even and posture relaxed. He analyzed the two sniggering Slytherins and their silent friend behind them. 

There was little reason for Avery and Mulciber to believe he would be unemployed unless they knew the truth about him, the truth that Snape had sworn to Dumbledore he would never reveal. Snape may not have held much respect for Dumbledore, but he certainly held an appropriate level of fear. Even You-Know-Who was smart enough for that.

Remus’ mother was a Muggle. Perhaps that was what they were alluding to. It wasn’t a secret, though he didn’t often advertise it to the Slytherins. His dad’s position in the Ministry meant that any of the pureblood families would easily have access to the information if they’d wanted to dig something up on him. With You-Know-Who’s focus on Muggleborns, perhaps they were merely trying to attack him for his Muggle heritage.

That, too, might have been enough to keep Snape silent. Remus didn’t know much about the other boy’s heritage, but Snape certainly wasn’t pureblood like Mulciber and Avery both were. No one knew of the family name.

“Excuse me,” Remus said, taking a step around them and carefully watching to make sure none of them pulled out their wand. “I need to study.”

They laughed and yelled taunts at his back, but he ignored them as he hurried down the corridor and around the corner.

Surely, if they knew of his secret, they would have done much worse to him. He tried to let that thought comfort him as he settled down with a stack of books in the library.

* * *

The door creaked as it swung open. Remus sat straight up in his bed in the hospital wing, a little anxious over who might be arriving. Sometimes there were other students who needed Madame Pomfrey while he was in there, but he always felt anxious that anyone who saw him would be able to piece together why he was there.

When the door opened, it revealed Hagrid, and Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart now that he knew for sure there was no danger to be found from the visitor.

“Hello,” Hagrid said brightly as he came bounding over to Remus’ bed. “Sorry if I woke yeh. Jus’ wanted teh see how things were after… yeh know.”

Remus, though he was very tired, managed a small smile.

“Thanks, Hagrid. I appreciate it.”

And he really did. Hagrid was the first person to visit him in the Hospital Wing other than the other Marauders, and that probably meant more than Hagrid even realized.

Hagrid beamed back at him, and it was impossible for Remus’ mood to not brighten despite how exhausted every cell in his body was.

“Actually,” Hagrid said suddenly, rummaging through his pockets, “I have something for yeh. Chocolate. Though’ you could use a treat. Hope yeh like it.”

“Oh, yeah,” Remus said, accepting the chocolate despite being a little stunned by the present. “Of course I like it. Who doesn’t like chocolate?”

Hagrid nodded along, assured that his present had been accepted and sat down on the bed next to Remus’, making it creak in a way that left Remus momentarily frightened it would split in half.

“Where are yer friends?” 

Hagrid looked around them as if the other Marauders would appear out of the woodwork all the sudden and declare hiding themselves their latest successful prank.

“In the common room I imagine,” Remus said. “They were here earlier, but I told them to go get some studying. I hate when they hover too long and miss their assignments because of it.”

There was a twinkle in Hagrid’s eye, and Remus averted his eyes. Hagrid was just about to say something else when the Hospital Wing door creaked open again.

Remus’ stomach tightened in anticipation despite Hagrid’s presence putting an end to anything terrible that might have happened if someone with sinister intentions entered.

But, again, it wasn’t anyone he needed to worry about. It was Sirius who appeared on the other side of the door, his arms loaded with a wide variety of sweets that he could have only nicked from the kitchens.

Remus’ heart tightened with far greater strength than it had when Hagrid had appeared. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling, but he held it in as much as possible to prevent himself from smiling like a complete idiot.

“Hey,” Sirius said, sparing a quick glance at Hagrid before focusing solely on Remus. “I know you get bored when you’re holed up here, so I wanted to distract you a bit.”

“Thank you,” Remus said, trying not to sound too emotional. “I appreciate it.”

And he did, even if he’d already gotten chocolate from Hagrid. He felt a little overwhelmed by how much care he’d been shown that day, and he struggled not to get choked up over it.

“I best be goin’,” Hagrid said, the bed squeaking again as he rose. 

He offered one last smile at Remus and a nod of his head at Sirius.

“Have fun yeh two,” he said before disappearing out the door.

Sirius didn’t have much to say about Hagrid’s appearance as he settled at the food of Remus’ bed, arranging the food carefully between them. Remus smiled as Sirius held out a piece of his favourite cake for him to take.

* * *

Scarcely a day went by anymore where there wasn’t a report of some sort of attack in the Prophet. The mere act of receiving the paper each morning filled Remus with dread that hung over him for the rest of the day, and each evening was spent dissecting what they knew about the events.

“How could we not fight?” James asked, still frowning at the latest report about a missing Muggleborn.

The sobbing face of the man’s wife was hard for Remus to look away from, and he couldn’t stopping thinking about the three children who were mentioned in the article.

“I’m with you, Prongs,” Sirius said. “This is disgusting. How much longer can it go on?”

Probably a long time, Remus thought, but he couldn’t bear to say as much out loud. He was much happier hoping it had a quick ending. 

“Dumbledore has to be doing something,” James continued. “There’s no way he’s sitting around waiting for other people to act. Once we’re out of school, he’ll have to let us in on it. He can’t deny that we’re adults, and they need all the help they can get.”

“How much help are we?”

Peter fidgeted. He seemed to have immediately regretted asking the question. That didn’t stop him from continuing what he’d started.

“We’re young,” he continued. “Dumbledore’s got loads more powerful people as friends. They can do way more than we can. We’d be fumbling along and mucking things up for the rest of them.”

“I don’t tend to muck anything up,” Sirius said, brow furrowed. “There’s something we can do. I’m sure of it.”

He leaned over the table, keeping his voice low.

“We know Snape and that lot will join up with You-Know-Who as soon as they’ve graduated. If You-Know-Who will take them, why wouldn’t Dumbledore take us?’

“Padfoot,” Remus said, sounding as exhausted as he felt, “there are a number of things You-Know-Who would do that Dumbledore wouldn’t.”

Sirius shrugged.

“Is it wrong to not want to fight?” Peter asked in a whisper. “All I want is to graduate with some respectable NEWTs, get a job, and live a normal life. I’m seventeen. I’m not ready to sacrifice myself for the world.”

Remus sympathized with him. That was all he wanted too, although he didn’t have the same luxury of escaping in a fantasy like Peter would have if he decided to go that route. James and Sirius, however, were staring at Peter with their mouths agape.

“How could we do that when so many people are suffering because of You-Know-Who?” James asked. “I couldn’t live with myself if I sat around cozy at home while it all went down. I’d rather take the danger of fighting than that kind of guilt. At least then I’ll feel like I’ve done something important.”

Peter hung his head, appearing properly scolded. Remus patted him on the shoulder in consolation, but he kept quiet, not sure where he fell on the continuum of opinion. He couldn’t escape like Peter wished to, but he wasn’t as keen of throwing himself into the fight as James and Sirius were. He didn’t think he ever would be.


	21. A Secret Revealed

Encountering antagonistic Slytherins in the hallways of Hogwarts was becoming a staple for many Hogwarts students, particularly those deemed to have a bit too much Muggle heritage. Remus wasn’t a primary target, with his father being a relatively well-respected half-blood, but he had taken to keeping one hand wrapped around his wand in the pocket of his robes when he was walking down the corridors alone. The fact that his mother was a Muggle wasn’t all that difficult to figure out if one really wanted to know.

Finding Snape in a corridor alone like him was enough to make Remus’ blood run cold in his veins. The boy’s sneers had turned crueler in the years since he’d faced Remus as a werewolf, but after listening to Dumbledore’s threats, he’d never said anything to Remus’ face aside from a few allusions to his condition when not many others were around.

Remus still wondered what the headmaster had said to Snape to ensure his silence. He’d never been able to escape the feeling that Snape was a ticking time bomb who would go off one day and ruin what Remus had managed to accomplish in the process.

“Filth,” Snape snarled as Remus tried to pass him, his eyes firmly in front of him.

He looked angrier than he had the day Remus had stumbled upon him with his pack of future Death Eaters. Perhaps that was because he was free to use the insults he really wanted to without his friends around.

“Snape,” Remus replied, trying to keep his voice civil.

Taking the high road would leave him more satisfied in the end than sneaking to Snape’s level, he reminded himself. He didn’t relish making fun of Snape’s appearance like his friends often did, and the insults he would have used were far too serious to use lightly. He wasn’t sure what reaction they would garner from Snape, and all Remus wanted to do was make it back to the common room in one piece.

Snape looked at Remus’ bag, bulging with books, as if it were a rotting corpse Remus was dragging behind him.

“Bet you’re dreading June, aren’t you?” Snape sneered. “Your days under Dumbledore’s protection are numbered. We’ll see how the real world treats you once you’re thrown into it with nowhere to go. Do you really think your friends will stick around once they see how pathetic you actually are?”

Remus shrugged, keeping a blank face even as his stomach twisted. He found it easier to keep a cool demeanor with Snape than he did the other Slytherins. Perhaps it was a side effect of having seen the complete and utter terror on his face when he’d seen Remus in his wolf form. That was the only image from that night which Remus had retained, and it had been seared into his memories since he’d woken up the following morning. His brain would never let him forget how close he had come committing murder.

“I suppose we both will,” Remus said. “You might want to learn how to be more civil with werewolves though, Snape. I imagine you’ll be working with a few come this summer.”

Snape actually laughed.

“If you’re referencing the Dark Lord’s servants, he doesn’t work with werewolves. He uses them as pawns when they’re handy. You can’t possibly think they’ll still be around once the wizarding world is finally under his control? They know their place, and after they’ve served their purpose, they’ll be disposed of. If you’re interested, though, I’m sure he’d be happy to have you onboard.”

Remus didn’t doubt that Snape’s words were all true, but his frankness had unsettled him and left him struggling to breathe. He hadn’t expected the Slytherin boy to be so upfront about his allegiances. If he was that bold, he clearly didn’t think Remus’ word would amount to much against his if anyone with authority questioned him about where his loyalties laid.

“Right,” Remus replied. “How silly of me to imply that You-Know-Who has followers who are more than pawns. Enjoy your game of chess, Snape. Try not to get sacrificed by your queen.”

He stalked off before Snape could formulate a reply.

* * *

When he got back to the dormitory that evening, Remus had every intention of sharing everything that had happened between him and Snape with his friends. He wanted to tell them that he was worried about Snape revealing his secret to the entire school. He wanted their advice, but he never received it.

As soon as he entered the dormitory, he could tell something was up. Sirius was pacing the room like he did when he was nervous as Peter and James watched him from the ends of their respective beds. 

“Remus, you’re back!” 

Sirius’ voice cracked as if the excitement in his voice was masking nerves. Remus raised an eyebrow as he sat down on his own bed, depositing his bag beside him without bothering to empty it.

“What’s up?” he asked.

James shrugged.

“That’s what we were hoping Padfoot would tell us once you got here.”

They looked at Sirius expectantly. With a sigh and a short nod, Sirius sat on his own bed. For close to a minute, there was only silence as the other three boys sat watching Sirius, who seemed to be working himself up to something by staring at a spot on the wall above Remus’ bed, and none of the other three could bring themselves to interrupt him. All thoughts of Snape had been zapped from Remus’ thoughts as he took in the intense expression on Sirius’ face.

Finally, he looked at them, squaring his shoulders.

“I’m gay.”

For a few seconds, everything was quiet as the other Marauders processed what Sirius had said. It was as if random pieces of information from the past seven years were being put together to form a whole picture, though Remus had never realized the picture was in pieces before.

“What about all the girls?” James asked with a furrowed brow. “You never shut up about them. I admit I thought it was weird when you suddenly didn’t want to talk about them at all this year, but…”

He trailed off, not sure how to word his curiosity. Luckily, Sirius looked amused by the question. Not being faced by hostility had emboldened him, and his smile was wide and posture loose as he spoke.

“I really wanted to like girls because it would’ve been easier,” he admitted. “I told myself that I liked them as much as I told you guys. I tried really, really hard to like them, but it never worked, even when I thought it might be.”

“And when you said you ‘discovered’ yourself this summer?” Peter asked, using air quotes.

Sirius’ smile turned soft and his eyes distant.

“I met a boy. A Muggle boy in James’ village. We broke up when the summer was over. There was always an expiration date with that one, but everything finally made sense when I was with him.”

James gawked at Sirius.

“We thought you were sneaking off with a girl all summer.”

“You weren’t that far off,” Sirius said with a shrug. “You got the gist of what was going on at least. It’s not like I was sneaking off to watch paint dry.”

“What about all the times you’ve snuck off since we’ve been back at school?” Remus asked, running through the moments in his brain as he tried to fit them into the picture he was forming. “Have you been with boys?”

Sirius smile turned into something closer to a smirk.

“Yes,” he said. “As it turns out, they’re possible to find just about anywhere if you’re looking for them.” His smile turned a little sad. “None of them are out though, and I doubt some of them ever will be. One of them flat out told me that he plans to marry the girl his parents have set up an arranged marriage with even though he’s gay. Miserable bloke, really. I’m better off having called it quits with him. Feel bad for the poor girl he’s marrying though.”

Though Sirius tried to hide it, there was a sadness in his voice that he couldn’t hide. With a sigh, Remus got up and moved to sit beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders in a show of support. Sirius grinned at him and leaned into his side. The fact that Remus was willing to offer him physical affection despite knowing of his sexuality seemed to ease Sirius of what remaining tension he’d had.

James and Peter both followed Remus’ lead, piling onto the end of Sirius’ bed and offering him pats on the back and one-armed hugs.

“I suppose this is a secret?” Remus asked.

Sirius chewed on his bottom lip for a second before replying.

“For now, yeah. I’m not sure what will happen after Hogwarts. But one day, hopefully, it won’t be.”

Remus gave him a small smile, squeezing him tightly for a moment.

“I hope so too.”

* * *

Remus was trying hard to study. He really was, but it was impossible to focus on Transfiguration when Sirius kept humming across from him. He glanced up for the tenth time in several minutes, watching as an oblivious Sirius continued scrawling on his parchment and carrying on with a tune only he knew.

After several seconds, he realized he was being watched and glanced up at Remus, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“What?”

Remus couldn’t help but grin as he shook his head.

“Nothing,” he said. “Your humming’s just distracting me.”

“Oh, sorry.”

A light blush appeared on Sirius’ features. He’d been acting a bit shier at times since he’d come out, and Remus found it endearing, not that he’d ever say as much out loud.

“No, don’t apologize,” Remus said. “It’s nice. I’m glad to see you happy. You’ve been glowing since you told us.”

Sirius’ face lit up even as his blush deepened.

“It’s just—” He glanced around the common room before continuing in a small voice. “It’s nice having people who know, you know?”

Remus nodded slowly.

“I think so.”

Sirius’ answering smile made Remus’ heart tighten. He watched as Sirius returned to his work, humming the same tune that Remus had interrupted.


	22. Push the Dark From Your Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content notice: This chapter includes vomiting.

It was a dream.

Remus could tell because he was staring at himself as if he were watching a Muggle movie. It was disconcerting. He couldn’t remember having had a dream where he was cognizant that he was dreaming before, but perhaps it was common. Perhaps he was destined to forget all about the dream unfolding before him as soon as he awoke.

He wasn’t sure how he was confident that he was looking at himself, not someone else. The him in the dream was at least a decade out of Hogwarts, and he looked healthier than Remus had looked since he was five years old. There were no scars, and he had a higher percentage of body fat than Remus had ever been able to gain with the frequent difficult changes his body went through. Without needing to be told, Remus knew this version of himself had never undergone a werewolf transformation.

As his dream surroundings came into focus, he realized that his adult self was hurrying through the Ministry of Magic. His robes billowed behind him in a dramatic fashion, more like he was walking a runway than the halls of government, and Remus got the distinct impression that his dream self enjoyed the effect.

He watched himself arrive at an office with a sign declaring it the Department for the Control of Magical Creatures. Dread filled the real Remus even as his dream self appeared bored with the room he’d entered, but try as he might, Remus couldn’t wake up.

“Has the werewolf been sentenced?” dream Remus snapped at an employee.

He’d used a surly tone that Remus only heard from himself after particularly hard transformations, and his voice was lower than Remus’ own. The young woman trembled in fear when he spoke, and he tried to shake himself awake to no avail.

“Yes, sir,” the younger employee replied, hunching herself over to appear small. “She received a one year sentence in Azkaban.”

“One year,” dream Remus snarled. “Why release her in a year? She’s a werewolf. They can’t control their instincts. Give her one month out of prison, and she’ll have gone after someone else.”

He picked up a paperweight from the woman’s desk and tested the weight of it in his hand as if he wished to throw it.

“Then we’ll only have to go after her again,” he said. “A vicious cycle until the idiots give her the life sentence she deserves.”

“Sir,” the employee replied, staring carefully at the paperweight. “She lied on her job application, which is illegal, but we have no evidence she’s ever bitten—”

“She had taken work at a daycare. What do you think she did that for, Riley?”

Riley hesitated for a second before pulling a paper out from a stack of them on her desk and holding it out for Remus to take. He didn’t.

“In court, she testified that she likes working with children, sir.”

One glare from dream Remus was enough to make her stuff the paper back in its place in the pile and pull another out as if she’d suddenly shifted to other work that needed to be done. Even in dream land, the real Remus felt like he was going to be sick.

For the first time, he was privy to his dream self’s inner monologue. There was an anger inside of him that Remus had trouble wrapping his mind around, but he recognized parts that were familiar.

His entire life his father had told him how important it was to protect himself against werewolves. Dream Remus himself had nearly been attacked as a child. That was enough proof of how dangerous the werewolves could be. They needed to be kept under control, and if locking them up was the only way to achieve that, Remus would do it for the good of the other young children who might have been in his position. It was the only way.

Remus woke with a start and immediately rolled so that he was hanging over the bed. Vomit splattered against the floor. When he was finished, he let himself hang there for a minute as his head cleared.

No one else had woken up from the commotion he’d created. With a quick wave of his wand, the mess was gone. He withdrew into the protection of his bed hangings, burying his head beneath the blankets.

* * *

The rest of the night was restless, with Remus drifting in and out of sleep for what felt like an eternity. He’d become convinced that morning would never come and, once it did, that he’d be incapable of getting out of bed. That was close to the truth in the end.

At some point, he had managed to fall deep enough into sleep that he hadn’t heard his friends going about their usual morning routines.

When he woke, it was due to a very rude poke to his side. He groaned and rolled away from the touch, but the hand followed him, continuing to poke him. Remus swatted at it but missed, and he heard Sirius laugh.

“Leave me alone,” Remus mumbled, pressing his face into his pillow in a failed attempt to block the sun from hitting the back of his eyelids. Sirius had opened the hangings of his bed, and a window was unfortunately placed on the wall behind his friend.

“What’s up, Moony?”

Instead of heeding Remus’ command, Sirius perched himself on the edge of the bed, letting the hangings fall shut behind him. Remus relaxed as the sun quit stinging his eyes.

“Nothing. I’m tired. I couldn’t sleep.”

Sirius was quiet for a moment, and Remus had almost drifted back to sleep before there was another poke at his side. WIth another groan, he swatted at Sirius’ hand, this time making contact. But the swat did nothing but make Sirius laugh. If Remus had possessed more energy, he would have used it to push Sirius off the edge of the bed.

“This is how you get after full moons, but that was two weeks ago.”

With a sigh, Remus opened his eyes to find Sirius hovering above him, his brow creased in concern.

“Where are James and Peter?” Remus asked.

“James had some Head Boy something or other, but I think he really just wanted to see Lily. Peter’s at breakfast. The two of us are supposed to be following him once I get you out of bed. I’m starting to think that’s not going to happen.”

Remus stretched, feeling slightly more awake than he had moments earlier.

“What day is it?” he asked, head still foggy.

“Thursday. You have a free period first thing.”

It was happiest thing Sirius could have said to him.

“Go on to breakfast,” he said, cuddling deeper into his blankets. “I’ll find you for Defense.”

“Charms,” Sirius said in amusement. “We have Charms after your free period.”

Remus mumbled a rude response and got another poke in the side.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Remus snapped, pulling his blankets up to his chin to protect himself from any further attacks.

“Not as much as I’m worried about you.”

Remus opened his eyes again, raising one eyebrow.

“I’m just tired. What’s wrong with wanting to sleep in?”

“Remus, you’re entirely out of it if I can remember your class schedule but you can’t. That’s not normal for you. Except for the three days after the full moon, but like I said, that was two weeks ago. What happened?”

Remus sighed.

“Just a strange dream. It kept me up, but it was still just a dream. I’m a big boy. I’ll be fine.”

Sirius reclined against his headboard, crossing his legs at his ankles.

“And what happened in this dream?”

Remus couldn’t have fallen back asleep easily no matter how hard he tried anymore, and he found himself keeping his eyes open, though he kept his gaze on Sirius’ ankles, not his face, as he continued lying in the bed.

“I worked at the Ministry. I wasn’t a werewolf, but I worked in the Department for the Control of Magical Creatures. Werewolves disgusted me. I wanted to see a woman locked in Azkaban for life because she dared to work at a daycare.”

Sirius’ hand found his hair and began playing with it. It wasn’t something usual between them, but Remus found the gesture calming and couldn’t bring himself to mention it for fear that Sirius might stop.

“And what happened yesterday?” Sirius asked.

Remus stiffened.

“What do you mean?”

“For once there weren’t any attacks in the Prophet, so what happened that made you dream of something like that?”

Despite fully intending to tell his friends about Snape as he’d made his way back from the library the previous day, Sirius’ announcement had given him the resolve not to. That had been such an important moment for Sirius, and if Remus revealed that something scary had happened to him that he hadn’t immediately revealed because of Sirius coming out, Sirius would give himself a hard time for it. It was the last thing Remus wanted.

However, Sirius would also learn the truth eventually if Remus lied, and he felt too tired to even try.

“Snape and I found each other in the hallway. He said some things.”

Sirius’ hand in his hair paused. Remus was still staring towards Sirius’ feet and refused to look up at making eye contact, even when Sirius gave a particularly hard tug on a lock of his hair.

“What things?” Sirius asked.

Remus pushed himself up, regretfully dislodging the hand from his hair.

“You’re not allowed to go after him.” He locked his gaze on Sirius, holding him there with the intensity of his gaze. “You’re not getting punished over this.”

Sirius stared back for a long moment before he gave a short, reluctant nod.

“It wasn’t anything except what you’d expect. He mocked me not being able to find a job and pretty much admitted that he plans to join the Death Eaters. There were some things about werewolves being disposable tools for Voldemort who’ll all be murdered once they’re not needed.”

Sirius’ gaze turned murderous, and Remus reached out to shove him lightly, getting only a raised eyebrow in response.

“Nothing he said was new,” Remus stressed. “I knew he thought all of it already. Let it go. I already have.”

For a moment, Remus thought Sirius would argue with him, going against his wishes and going after Snape next time he saw him, but with a resigned sign, Sirius nodded.

“If that’s what you want. Go ahead back to sleep. I’ll come back to wake you before Charms.”

Remus did just that, drifting off before Sirius was out of his bed.


	23. In the Twilight

Remus looked forward to his tutoring sessions with Lily. She was able to explain potion making to him in a way that made far more sense than anything that came out of Slughorn’s mouth. Though Remus would admit that his dislike for the Potions Master was at least partially to blame.

“That's it?” Remus asked. “That’s only, like, three steps. Slughorn made it sound more complicated than that.”

“It is. Timing is everything with contraception potions. Even more so than for a lot of other complicated potions. If you get it just a few seconds off, the potion can be ruined, and it can be hard to tell it’s ineffective from inspecting it, even for a trained eye.”

“Remind me to never brew anyone’s birth control,” Remus muttered as he scribbled what Lily had explained onto his parchment. “Screwing up Felix Felicis is one thing. Giving someone an unexpected baby is another.”

Lily giggled.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about. No one I know would trust a birth control potion from anyone other than a trained professional. Those can be risky enough. The world is desperately in need of a better contraceptive potion, but I think most potion makers don’t consider it a priority. It’s a shame. Maybe I’ll go into potions and change that one day.”

“You’d be great at that,” Remus said with a nod.

Lily grinned before motioning towards him.

“What are you doing after Hogwarts?”

Dread coated Remus’ stomach like ice. He hadn’t expected Lily to deflect the attention to him.

“No idea.” He kept scribbling, his eyes on the parchment. “For once, I’m as unprepared as Sirius.”

When it was quiet for too long, he raised his eyes and wasn’t surprised to see Lily watching him.

“It’s confusing, isn’t it?” she asked. “Figuring out what we’re meant to do, I mean. There are so many options that there’s no way I’ve thought of them all. How am I meant to know which is the best if I haven’t considered all of my options?”

She left the rest of it unsaid: that it was becoming harder to be hired as a Muggleborn every day. She didn’t need to.

Remus reached across the table to take her hand in his, giving it a squeeze.

“We’ll figure something out.”

She smiled at him, and he desperately hoped that, for her at least, it was true.

* * *

Remus paused when he saw the light emanating from behind the curtains of Hagrid’s hut. The gamekeeper had been gone for more than a week with no explanation, and Remus had been checking for signs of life anytime he went by that part of the grounds. It was a bit of a surprise to finally find something again.

He hurried across the grass and began hurriedly knocking on the door, not quite able to contain the anxiety he’d felt since Hagrid’s mysterious disappearance.

Hagrid opened the door looking a little worse for wear. Though someone had patched him up, a faded bruise still covered much of his face that wasn’t covered by his beard.

“What happened?” Remus asked, all thoughts of a greeting fleeing his mind. 

“Oh, err, nothin’,” Hagrid said, stepping aside to let Remus in the house.

He busied himself with fixing tea as Remus settled in, seemingly not noticing that Remus had his gaze fixed on him as he tried to ascertain how Hagrid Had achieved his injury.

Hagrid’s love for magical creatures was well known. For all Remus knew, Hagrid had tried to befriend another one that hadn’t taken kindly to him. There was nothing hinting that the injury was a consequence of dark magic. Nothing except Remus’ own gut feeling.

“That can’t be nothing,” he said as Hagrid sat down across from him, sliding a large cup of tea to him across the table. “Something has to cause a bruise like that. Even if it was tripping and falling flat on your face.”

Hagrid sighed as he added several sugar cubes to his cup and stirred.

“This might’ as well be nothin’ in my work,” he said, taking a sip of his tea. “Don’t be worryin’ abou’ me. Yeh have plenty on yer plate at the moment. Don’t think I don’ know the full moon isn’ far off.”

Remus sighed. There was no hiding that he was feeling the effects of the oncoming transformation. While he didn’t pay much attention to his appearance usually, he would have been hard pressed to miss the dark circles under his eyes whenever he stood in front of a mirror.

“That’s a different subject,” he pointed out.

“Yeh make sure those friends of yers are helping yeh out,” Hagrid said, ignoring Remus’ words.

Remus sighed and nodded.

* * *

When Remus was eleven, the Shrieking Shack, though it wasn’t yet called that, had been a terrifying place. He had disliked the dark since he was a toddler, but his fear had taken on a new dimension since he’d been bitten. Though the transformations were only once a month, he came to associate nighttime with them.

His parents had locked him in rooms for years, so having the run of an entire house was scary. He couldn’t believe that it would keep him contained. He place was dark and full of shadows. Remus had curled up on the bed that first full moon and hidden his eyes until his wolf overtook him.

When he looked at the house as a seventeen-year-old, it held none of the intimidation it once had. It was ironic, he supposed. Over the years, the house had come to look much older than its actual age due to Remus’ aggression. His transformations had also given the place its haunted reputation that stoked fear in the heart of many a Hogwarts student. Yet the person who it had scared first no longer found it scary.

Perhaps that was because of the continuous exposure, but he thought it had more to do with the presence of his friends. Though he had long associated the house with his transformations just like he did the dark, he associated it with transformations spent with the other Marauders. Those transformations may have been as painful as any other, but they came with far less guilt and self-loathing than when he went through them alone.

The shack had almost become a safe haven. A place where he could let his wolf free with less fear, even if that safety had been rattled a couple years previously. The Shrieking Shack may have been covered in dust and littered with splintered furniture, but it was the only place Remus had transformed without paranoia over how easily he could break free and harm someone while a wolf.

There were only a few minutes until the moon was full, and Remus found himself on the same bed he’d curled up on as an eleven year old, though this time he wasn’t hiding from the house. The bed had suffered over the years. One leg was broken, causing the whole thing to tilt, and the blankets that had once been there had been shredded long ago.

His friends had taken their usual places around the periphery of the room, waiting for the sign that they, too, should transform.

“Thank you.”

The words were out before Remus could stop them. He hadn’t thanked them before a transformation since the third full moon they’d spent with him when Sirius had threatened to stop coming if Remus kept thanking them every single time.

Enough time had passed to render that threat moot.

Years later, Sirius still wasn’t having it though. He raised an eyebrow from where he was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

“What’s brought your sudden gratitude on then?”

Remus shrugged, though he knew what it had been.

“We only have a few more of these,” he said.

“And then we’ll find a new place for you to transform where we can join you,” James said. “Don’t act like it’s the last time the four of us will experience a full moon together.”

“Yeah, Moony,” Sirius said, stepping forward until he was hovering over the bed. “It’s not like any of us would pass up the opportunity to see each other when we won’t be up each other’s arses all the time.”

Sirius paused, tapping his chin.

“Maybe I shouldn’t use that phrase anymore…”

He pretended to think about it for a few more seconds before he shrugged. Remus was sure he’d use it again by the end of the week.

“They’re right,” Peter said. “It’s not like we’re going to hate the distraction once we have all our adult responsibilities to deal with every day.”

Remus often forgot that gathering in the shack each full moon was fun for his friends in a way it wasn’t for him. He enjoyed having them there of course. It made things bearable, but he’d still have rathered not been a werewolf at all if it was an option. They couldn’t take his pain away. They experienced the fun with none of the downsides Remus dealt with, which was fine with him if it kept them around.

“Right,” Remus said, doing his best to sound like he believed them, “we’ll figure it out.”

The transformation hit him soon after, leaving him with only flashes of the rest of the night.

* * *

Remus glanced up from his attempts at making progress on his Defence essay for the fifth time in as many minutes. Sirius paused in his finger tapping, smirking at the glare Remus shot him.

“I’m bored,” he said, not for the first time.

Remus rolled his eyes.

“Then go do something else. I’m not making you stick around, Padfoot.”

With a pout, Sirius crossed his arms in front of his chest. His own Defence essay laid abandoned in front of him. He’d managed to get down one sentence of the second paragraph.

“What am I meant to do?” he asked. “James is off with Lily, and Peter’s off with Sandra. Neither of them are any fun anymore. All they do is spend time with their girlfriends. We’ve been abandoned, Remus, and you’re dealing with your grief through homework,” he ignored Remus’ scoff, “which is fine, but I can’t do that.”

Sirius held a hand over his heart, leaning back in his chair so that it rested on its back legs. Remus glanced around for signs of Madam Pince, but she was occupied with something else and hadn’t honed in on Sirius and his dramatics yet.

“I’d like to finish this before you get us kicked out. Thanks.”

For a second, Sirius just watched him. Remus went back to his essay, hoping, though he knew it was futile, that Sirius would as well.

“How many pranks have we pulled this year?” Sirius asked, mostly to himself. “James went all Head Boy on us, and we’ve hardly done anything. This year should be our last hurrah, and instead we’re studying like we’ve never studied before.”

“Our entire future depends on our NEWTs.”

“Which is ridiculous,” Sirius said, jabbing int Remus’s direction with his quill to emphasize his words.

He swept his hand over his essay.

“When in my life am I going to need to remember the correct protocol for a stalemate in a duel? There’s a war happening, Remus. No one’s following proper dueling etiquette, and there certainly aren’t any stalemates.”

“There could still be a stale—” He paused at Sirius’ glare. “Nevermind. Look, I get it. It’s not like I plan to be dueling much either, but if playing by the rules is the only chance I have of getting a job, I’m going to do it. You do whatever you want.”

“I can’t!”

Remus hurriedly motioned for Sirius to keep his voice down, and he obliged, though his following words were no less passionate.

“What I want is to plot epic pranks with my best mates and sneak around the castle every night, but none of you will help me.”

He quickly continued before Remus could speak.

“Don’t you dare suggest I should try to pull off a prank by myself. You know I swore those off after The Incident.”

Remus could hear the capitalization of Sirius’ words in the emphasis he placed upon them.

“Sirius, that was two years ago. I think you could pull off a solo prank without almost killing somebody.”

Sirius slumped down in his chair, looking dejected enough that Remus felt as if he were seconds away from giving in.

“It’s not really the potential of becoming a murderer that bothers me. Pulling pranks on my own just isn’t as fun.”

He was staring down at his parchment without seeing it. Remus rolled his eyes even as Sirius managed to tug on his heart strings. He kicked Sirius’ foot gently, prompting his friend to look at him.

“Look, I really need to get this essay done. It’s important, but if you want to pull a prank, then we can come up with something later, okay?”

He was surprised at how quick the transformation was. Sirius sat up straighter and offered him his usual grin.

“Deal.”

He even picked up his quill as if he, too, were going to get back to work on his homework, but he scribbled one word before looking back up at Remus.

“Do you mind if I...?”

He motioned towards Remus’ essay, and Remus rested his face against the table with a groan.


	24. Not in Isolation

“Why did I take NEWT-level Care of Magical Creatures?” James asked, running a hand through his already messy hair. “When am I going to use this?”

The Marauders had claimed a table near the fire in the common room, and James was neck-deep in research for an essay on how to to defend oneself against Grindylows. He’d been working on it for more than an hour. Remus couldn’t blame him for being fed up with it.

“You said it would be an easy NEWT,” Remus reminded him.

James grimaced and threw his quill down on his parchment, ignoring the ink splatter it created.

“Well, I was wrong. Not to mention, even if I get the NEWT, I don’t plan on doing anything with it. I guess I’ll just have to brag about it for the rest of my life to justify it.”

“There are no magical creatures in your future, Prongs,” Sirius said with a laugh.

He was supposed to be working on his own homework, but he’d been doodling on a scrap piece of parchment for the last twenty minutes, something which was getting on Remus’ nerves. It was nearing full moon again, and he was becoming easily irritated as the moon put strain on his body. Each scratch of Sirius’ quill sent a wave of irritation through him.

“No, I don’t think so,” James said, oblivious to the way Remus was glaring at Sirius from the corner of his eye. “I couldn’t deal with all of the shit that comes with caring for animals.”

It was quiet for a beat before Sirius threw his head back in laughter. Remus exhaled in annoyance, but no one noticed as Sirius’ laughter masked it. At least they’d taken up residence in the common room for their study session. If Sirius got them banned from the library for any duration, Remus really might have snapped.

“Do you have any idea what you _are_ going to do then?” Peter asked.

He shifted as he spoke, and his visible nerves were enough to finally draw Remus’ attention away from adding to his essay as his friends distracted each other. Sirius and James would often joke about future careers they might take, none of them serious, but Peter had always grown quiet during those conversations, never revealing even the slightest hint of what he had planned.

“Of course I have,” James said. “I want to fight. I’ve told you before.”

“I meant an actual job,” Peter said with a roll of his eyes. “Something that would pay you.”

James shrugged.

“I’m not too worried about that to be honest.”

Remus pressed his lips together but didn’t say anything while Peter nodded, his shoulders slumping.

“What about you, Pete?” Sirius asked, leaning forward on his elbows. “You been thinking of something then?”

Peter frowned.

“My cousin Joyce asked me if I’d help out at her store. She owns a bookshop in a small wizarding village in Wales. It’s about the size of Hogsmeade but with no Hogwarts nearby, so business is always slow. I’ve visited before, and half the books are in Welsh. She said I don’t need to learn the language but that I might think about it anyway. I don’t know… It doesn’t sound ideal.”

Remus shared a look with James and Sirius, knowing they were thinking the same thing he was. Peter had never planned to work in Wales. He’d grown up in London, and even stints at the Potter estate, which sat on the outskirts of a Muggle town, had been strange for him. But there other advantages to small villages in Wales if one was worried about the current political environment.

“Do you plan to take the job?” Remus asked.

Peter looked at his parchment as he shrugged and shifted in his chair.

“There’s nothing else I want to do? I mean, maybe it’d be cool to work in Diagon Alley instead, but I don’t have any big dreams really. I might as well take it.”

He glanced up at them, but none of them had anything to say. 

“I think I’ll take the job,” Peter concluded after a few seconds of silence. “There’s no guarantee I’d find something even if I searched for a job, and it’d be nice not to worry what my NEWT results will be.”

Sirius laughed.

“When you put it that way, I’m jealous. Please check with your cousin about any other openings.”

“You’d never make it in a rural village, Padfoot,” James said.

Sirius’ mouth dropped open and he held his hand over his heart as he looked at James in disbelief. A second later, he grew sober.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m a city boy at heart. How could I live so far from decent shopping?”

“What is a fully grown wizard with an Apparition license to do when he can’t walk to Diagon Alley?”

“You wound me, Moony. Truly.”

Sirius leaned into Remus’ side, prompting Remus to push him away with a shove of his shoulder.

“To be serious not just in name though,” Sirius ignored the collective eye rolls of his friends, “I’d never make it working in a shop. One wanker coming in and asking if we stock robes in a bookshop and I’m fired.”

“You’re putting a lot of faith in making it that long,” Remus muttered.

Sirius leaned into him again, resting all of his weight against him, and this time Remus didn’t push him away. When he spoke, Remus could feel his breath brushing against his cheek as he pointedly looked forwards.

“Why are you so mean to me?”

Remus rolled his eyes, halfheartedly nudging Sirius with his arm but not making a serious effort to dislodge him.

“You can take it.”

Sirius shrugged before sitting up on his own.

Remus cleared his throat and tried to focus once more on his essay.

* * *

Sirius entered the dormitory in a whirlwind that made the other three boys open their eyes despite being half asleep in their beds. Peter shot up, and James scrambled for his glasses on his bedside table. Remus was the only one who didn’t sit up as he watched Sirius come to a stop in the middle of their dorm, a smirk on his lips over capturing their attention so easily.

“Guess who has detention with McGonagall on Friday night,” he declared, holding his arms wide.

James scrambled to the end of his bed, mouth hanging open.

“What? What did you do, Padfoot?”

“Charmed McGonagall’s office door to only open if she sang it a tune,” he said.

He sat at the end of his bed and tugged off his shoes and socks as if he’d just told them that it was cold outside and there was nothing that required further explanation. Remus, exhausted over the coming full moon, wanted nothing more than to sleep, but he knew it would be near impossible until Sirius explained himself.

“You pulled a prank without me,” James said, the sadness in his voice causing Sirius to pause before shrugging and removing his robes.

“I’ve been asking you lot to pull a prank all year,” he pointed out. He turned his back on them to rummage for his pajamas in his trunk. “But you always have other things to do. Sorry that I wanted to actually have some fun.”

“It hasn’t been that—”

James paused, his brow furrowing as he thought back over the year.

“Have we really not pulled a single prank this year?” he asked.

It was Sirius’ turn to stare at him.

“No, we haven’t, Mr Head Boy.” He crossed his arms against his chest. “Not for a lack of trying on my part.”

“Sorry, Padfoot,” James said, cringing.

He stood up and placed a hand on Sirius’ shoulder.

“I promise we’ll do something soon. All four of us, right?”

“Sure,” Remus said from his bed with a shrug.

He’d go along with whatever they planned like he always did, but all he really wanted to do was sleep.

“I’m always up for anything,” Peter said, bouncing on his bed.

“Soon then,” James said, patting Sirius on the shoulder a few times before returning to his bed. “We’ll plan the greatest prank ever to end our time at Hogwarts. How does that sound?”

Peter clapped, and Sirius gave a small smile that Remus couldn’t help but note was strained. He didn’t realize Sirius was waiting for him to agree too until they made eye contact. Remus tried to smile and said, “Obviously I’m on board.”

Sirius’ smile widened only slightly before he tugged his shirt over his head, obscuring his face from view and prompting Remus to shut his eyes once more.

* * *

The common room was silent. Remus stared into the fire to avoid seeing the fear on his classmates’ faces. The unease was stifling as they waited for some further news about what had happened to their housemate.

It had been early morning when the first Gryffindor students had learned of the attack, and the entire house had woken in record time, filling the common room and demanding answers about what was going on. They’d been sitting together for several hours since as the situation developed.

A young Gryffindor first year had been attacked, a fact that was discovered when her roommates began asking questions when she didn’t turn up hours after curfew. It hadn’t taken long for McGonagall to arrive in her dressing gown to try to mitigate the brewing commotion.

In McGonagall’s desperation to provide some comfort to her students, it had been revealed that the student in question was in the hospital wing being nursed by Madam Pomfrey. She would survive, though they did not yet know what the lasting effects of the attack would be or who had committed it. The staff had hopes that, when the girl regained consciousness, she would be able to provide some answers.

No matter how much the girls’ friends demanded it, McGonagall did not reveal what spells had been used on the girl or how she had been found.

Once McGonagall left with strict orders not to leave Gryffindor Tower, some students had filtered back up to their dorms, either to speak to friends in private or to attempt getting more sleep before the coming school day. Many others had stayed put, including the Marauders.

James was gone, he and Lily being the only two Gryffindors permitted to leave as they helped the staff handle the situation, but Remus sat with Sirius and Peter on either side of him in silence. Lily’s best friend Mary was also nearby, also silent as she chewed at her nails.

The portrait hole opening made everyone in the room perk up, many of them standing as Lily and James appeared. The Head Boy and Girl were frazzled but calm as they providing comforting platitudes that sounded like they were straight from the mouths of McGonagall and Dumbledore.

It took ages for them to escape the students demanding answers, but eventually, they made it to their friends. Lily took the chair next to Mary’s, and James perched himself on the armrest, looking like he might slip into sleep and fall off.

For a few moments, the rest of the group silently watched their friends as they stared into space. Eventually, Sirius took it upon himself to break the silence.

“It’s that bad then?”

James turned to look at him, but Lily’s eyes remained glazed over even as she answered Sirius’ question.

“I’m sure this is already spreading, but she’s a Muggleborn. That’s probably why whoever did this attacked her.”

“There have to be some theories about who the attackers were.”

Lily finally looked at them, and the spark of fire in her eyes sent a shiver down Remus’ spine.

“The curses used hint that they were seventh years,” Lily said. “Even seventh years only learn the countercurses to them, so the attackers learned them themselves. Other than that, we don’t know anything for sure. If they were smart, there’s a good chance the girl didn’t see them either despite what McGonagall said to calm everyone down.”

They fell into silence again. It was no secret which group of students they all thought were responsible, and they surely weren’t the only ones to have jumped to the same conclusion. Remus would have been surprised if even their professors weren’t discussing the possibility.

In earlier years, James and Sirius would have been very vocal about wanting to see Snape and his friends punished. They would have been ranting and raving about it to the whole of Gryffindor Tower, but that day, they were silent.

* * *

Over the next two days, Rowan the first year regained consciousness and was able to provide hints about her attackers. She knew there had been three students, but as expected, they had hidden their faces. The only personal information on them she could provide was that they had taunted her with their intentions to become Death Eaters and how You-Know-Who would praise them for their actions.

Remus and his friends weren’t the only ones shooting suspicious glances at the Slytherin table over the following days, but no Slytherins did so much as hint that they’d been behind the attacks. As far as the students were aware, the professors were making little progress in determining possible suspects.

Perhaps Dumbledore’s speech about increased monitoring the evening after the attack had scared whoever was responsible from doing it again, but it did little to decrease the anxiety of the other students.

Lily had grown uncharacteristically quiet in the days since everything had happened. Though Remus had offered to ease up on their tutoring sessions, Lily insisted on continuing to help him with Potions. They sat in the library one evening as she tried to explain Amortentia to him while her eyes flickered around them every few minutes for potential threats.

It was an anxiety that Remus understood, but he didn’t think he had a way to calm her.

“Have you been keeping tabs on Rowan?” he asked, drawing her attention away from the potion steps they’d been going over.

She blinked as she processed the sudden change in topic.

“Rowan?” She waited for his nod before continuing. “Yeah, I’ve been talking to her every day. She’s nervous about being in the corridors. Who can blame her? So I’ve started walking her to and from class as often as I can.”

Many of the Gryffindor sixth and seventh years had been doing the same. Remus and Peter had walked with her between Transfiguration and Herbology when they had a free period.

“It’s a shame she couldn’t see their faces,” Remus continued. “Besides them being held accountable, I also think it would help her feel a lot better knowing who it was.”

Lily cringed at the idea, causing Remus to raise an eyebrow.

“Don’t you wish we knew?” he asked, leaning forward and whispering even more quietly than he typically would in the library.

Shifting uncomfortably, Lily nodded.

“I do,” she insisted. “Really, I do. Hogwarts would be safer if they were expelled. I’d never want them to get away with it.”

“But you and I both know who was involved,” Remus said slowly. “That’s what’s bothering you, isn’t it?”

Lily cringed and kept her gaze averted as she spoke, her eyes instead darting around the library.

“You know Severus and I used to be friends. I wish that I didn’t still care, but… It’s not that I want him to get off scot-free. It’s more that I wish he hadn’t done it in the first place, and as long as he hasn’t been caught, there’s part of me that can pretend he didn’t actually do anything. That’s a flawed way of looking at it, I know, but I can’t get past it.”

Remus tried to smile, though he really didn’t know if he could sympathize when his own feelings towards Snape were radically different. He wasn’t any different as a seventh year than he had been as a first year except he could use far more dangerous magic.

He knew convincing Lily not to care for Snape was useless, so he asked once again about Amortentia, trying to get her lost in Potions instead.


	25. Don't You Want to Snog Someone?

Remus was too focused on his essay to realize that Sirius had taken the seat across from him in the common room until he grew tired of being ignored and began tugging on the corner of Remus’ parchment.

“Padfoot,” Remus groaned, but his glare did little to deter Sirius from his determination to distract him.

“All you do is study, Remus. It’s driving me mad.”

“NEWTs are—”

“I know all about NEWTs. There’s no need to remind me.”

He threw his arms up in exasperation and leaned back in his chair.

“James and Peter are always off with their girlfriends these days. They’re never around to talk, and you, the only one I have left, insist on studying like you won’t get top scores on everything anyway.”

“If I do well, it’s _because_ I spent time studying, Padfoot.”

Sirius let the front legs of his chair fall to the floor.

“That’s a load of bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. You could bullshit your way to decent results if you wanted to.”

“Decent, maybe, but not good—”

Sirius leaned across the table and covered Remus’ mouth with his hand, earning a scowl in response. He needed his test scores to be as perfect as possible if he had any hope of an employer looking past his lycanthropy, but Sirius was looking at him with a sparkle in his eye that held far more appeal than the dense textbook he’d been reading for an hour. Remus sighed, which was the only sign Sirius needed to remove his hand, a smirk on his lips.

“What exactly did you have in mind?” Remus asked.

Sirius’ smirk fell.

“Nothing. I didn’t think I’d be this successful to be honest with you.”

Remus groaned.

“But you did promise me a prank, Moony.”

Cringing at the thought of getting detention when he should have been studying, Remus asked, “Do you have one in mind?”

“Not at the moment, but give me some time.”

Remus couldn’t help but smile.

“Well, what are we doing now then?”

Sirius motioned for Remus to follow him out of the common room, and Remus went without protest. It wasn’t yet curfew, so if Sirius wanted a walk around the castle, they weren’t even breaking any rules. Once they found an otherwise empty corridor, though, Sirius stopped walking to tug the invisibility cloak from the bag he was carrying.

“Does James know you have that?”

“Of course he does. He lent it to me after I complained about how we never explore the castle anymore. He said I could use it by myself, but where’s the fun in that?”

It had been several years since they’d used the invisibility cloak with any frequency. It was around that time that all four of them had hit growth spurts and getting even two of them under the cloak at a time became more of a chore instead of something fun.

“Can we both fit?” Remus asked, fingering the cloak.

He and Sirius had both grown at least a few centimeters since the last time they’d tried, and that attempt hadn’t been very successful.

That wasn’t detering Sirius. He had Remus help him unfold the cloak and wrapped it around himself. Remus felt the pit of his stomach fall as Sirius disappeared. No matter how many times he watched it happen, it unnerved him.

A second later, Sirius tugged on his wrist, and suddenly, he was under the cloak as well, pressed close to Sirius’ side.

They were facing each other, which was unconducive to moving in any direction. Their proximity made it difficult to breathe as Sirius breath mingled with his, and Remus did his best to keep his thoughts focused on anything but the way he could almost feel Sirius’ body from how close he was.

“We fit,” Sirius whispered, and something about the words made Remus’ stomach tighten.

He glanced down at their feet and noticed that the cloak just barely brushed against the floor. The moment they took a step, their feet were sure to show.

“Where exactly are we going?” he asked, suddenly realizing that he had no idea what the plan was.

“Hogsmeade,” Sirius said bobbing on his toes and making the cloak rise from the floor..

“This early in the evening?” Remus asked in surprise. “Sirius, we’ll be found out. You think they won’t report the two Hogwarts students wandering around?”

“We have the cloak.”

“Which hardly hides us.”

“You’re a Marauder, Remus. Why are all of you losing your senses of adventure?”

When had that happened? Looking back on it, Remus remembered all of the times he’d gone along with his friends because, despite his fear of being caught, he was more frightened they would reject him. Somewhere along the line, he’d become willing to poke holes in their plans when he saw fit. He hadn’t noticed he was doing it.

“Lead the way then,” he said, motioning as best he could with the cloak over them.

Sirius’ beaming smile was enough of a reward for going along with the foolish plan. Even as he told himself it was stupid, he knew he would accept detention in exchange for it.

As they stumbled forward, he tried to stay as pressed against Sirius as possible, reminding himself with every step that it was necessary to remain concealed even as he felt his cheeks warming from their combined body heat.

When they made it inside the secret passage, Remus quickly slipped out of the cloak, not missing the disappointed frown on Sirius’ lips as he also removed the cloak.

“It’s not like we need it in here,” Remus pointed out, motioning at the cloak as Sirius stored it in his bag. “Don’t worry, you can get your fill of running around under the cloak once we get to the village.”

Sirius nodded, but he didn’t stop pouting as they kept travelling forward.

Things were quiet between them as they navigated their way down the passage. Remus wasn’t sure why they had so little to talk about.

Eventually, they came to the basement of Honeydukes, and Sirius motioned for him to come closer. Remus did as requested, his breath catching in his throat as Sirius threw the cloak over them both and pressed their bodies together.

The cloak felt suffocating in a way it hadn’t when they were children, and Remus wondered if he was too out of practice with sneaking around. It had become a rush again.

“We’ll have to be careful,” Remus whispered. “This isn’t a Hogwarts weekend. It’s not going to be so crowded that people can’t see two pairs of feet walking around by themselves.”

Sirius nodded with a smirk.

“I’ll be on my best behavior.”

Once they got out of the storeroom, they both hunched over to help the cloak drag against the floor. With Sirius behind Remus, he was forced to almost lay against Remus’ back to make it work. Remus found it difficult to walk, and the journey out of the shop was a difficult one.

As quickly as he could, Remus navigated them to the alleyway between Honeydukes and the building next door. He tugged off the cloak, earning a yelp of surprise from Sirius.

“We’re never going to make it anywhere if you keep taking off the cloak,” Sirius whined.

Remus took a deep breath, relishing the fresh air.

“We’re not going to get anywhere if we _stay_ under that cloak,” he countered. “A tortoise could walk faster than us with that thing.”

“You know,” Sirius said with a smirk, leaning into Remus and looking him straight in the eye, “I’m starting to think that you don’t want to be near me, and frankly, I’m offended.”

Remus rolled his eyes, leaning away. When Sirius only stepped closer, Remus put a hand to his chest and pushed him away. Sirius obeyed easily, though his smirk widened.

“Whatever, Padfoot. If we’re going somewhere, we’d be better off sneaking around without the cloak.”

 

Sirius leant against the brick wall that lined the alley, his arms crossed against his chest.

“Fine. Where do you want to go?”

Remus raised an eyebrow.

“You’re the one who dragged me here, and now you’re saying you don’t have any ideas?”

Sirius shrugged as best he could when one shoulder was pressed into the brick.

“I just wanted to sneak out of the castle. Anything we did once we were here was just an added bonus.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Remus said with a snort.

Only Sirius would have dragged him all the way to Hogsmeade with no idea of what he actually wanted from the wizarding village.

“Well, I don’t have any ideas,” Remus said with a shrug. “I was only following you.”

“Something you should really know the ramifications of by now, Moony.”

“I really should,” Remus muttered to himself, earning a chuckle from Sirius as he pushed himself away from the wall.

“Shall we just walk then?” he asked, motioning to the street

Remus looked both ways down the alley. Walking the main street where they could easily be spotted was foolish, but the small side street on the alley’s other end looked entirely uninteresting.

“Have you ever been that way?” Remus asked, pointing at the small street.

“Not once,” Sirius said. “Let’s go.”

He walked towards the street without waiting for Remus. With a sigh, Remus followed, wondering, not for the first time, what he had gotten himself into when he’d befriended Sirius Black as an eleven-year-old.

At the time, he’d been so desperate for a friend that he’d been willing to disregard Sirius’ reckless streaks even though they had terrified him as a kid who had done exactly what his parents asked of him to make up for his transformations. Somewhere along the way, he had become desensitized to it, and Sirius had forever altered him as a person. Maybe it was good for him; maybe it wasn’t. In moments when he was following Sirius around waiting to get caught, he figured it was probably the latter.

The street was deserted, and Remus wondered if going this way had been the right choice. There were few people, true, but if someone did come along or look out a window, they were guaranteed to spot the two Hogwarts students breaking the rules.

“You sure you don’t want the cloak?”

Remus glanced at Sirius when he asked the question, blinking in surprise. Sirius was watching him with a downturned mouth, and Remus wondered when he had become concerned with Remus’ own feelings about getting in trouble. He’d only scoffed at Remus’ worries as children.

He considered the offer for the moment, but when he thought about the heat their bodies had created and the difficulty he’d had breathing, he shook his head. He could keep a clearer mind if he had space between him and Sirius.

“I’m fine,” he said, going around Sirius to take the lead down the street.

He had no idea where they were going. The street held more houses than shops, so he doubted they’d discover anything interesting. Their unplanned trip to Hogsmeade was becoming more of a casual stroll than anything.

“This is a nice little street,” Sirius said.

Remus glanced behind him to see his friend walking with his hands in his pockets, looking entirely at ease. He hummed in agreement. It was peaceful, a look at what the village was like the majority of the year when Hogwarts students weren’t filling the streets.

As they continued walking, Sirius fell in step beside him, and Remus didn’t miss that he was walking closer than normal. Occasionally, Sirius’ arm would brush against his own, and Remus’ breath caught in his throat.

“I’ve been thinking,” Sirius began, and Remus felt his stomach twist.

“About?”

“Peter and James are always off with their girlfriends. They don’t have time for us anymore.”

 

Remus rolled his eyes but let Sirius continued uninterrupted.

“Maybe the only solution is to date people ourselves. We can’t get get angry about them being off snogging all the time if we have our own people to snog.”

“I’m handling our so-called abandonment quite well without someone to snog, thanks.”

Sirius stepped in front of him, forcing him to come to a stop. Remus stumbled as he tried not to run right into him. With a laugh, Sirius reached out to steady him, squeezing his upper arms before dropping them.

“You can’t tell me you don’t want to snog someone at least a little bit.”

For a moment, Remus merely looked at Sirius, unsure how to answer. He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t relish the idea of admitting the full truth out loud. There were few things he kept from his friends, but his thoughts on himself and relationships were one topic he had always avoided. Not one of them had ever asked him why he’d never so much as mentioned liking someone, and he’d figured they implicitly understood why he was avoiding it.

“Snogging someone would be fine,” he said slowly, “in different circumstances.”

Sirius frowned, and Remus kept his eyes averted at the ground. He took a step to the side, trying to escape, but Sirius mirrored the movement, staying in front of him.

“You wouldn’t have to tell them everything.”

Remus glared before he could stop himself, and Sirius quickly held his hands up in surrender.

“There’d be nothing wrong with it, but if you wanted them to know, there are also plenty of people who wouldn’t care.”

Remus snorted, kicking at the dirt of the road with his foot.

“I’m serious, Moony. Plenty of people wouldn’t.”

“And how am I meant to find someone like that without telling them first? I can’t just walk up to someone and go, ‘Hi. I’m a werewolf. Are you willing to date me?’”

“So get to know them first. Then tell them. Honestly, Remus, you act like it would be difficult for someone to fall in love with you.”

Remus laughed, making Sirius frown deepen.

“You have more faith in my charms than I do, Padfoot, but foregoing all of that, I think you’re underestimating how deep prejudice goes.”

“If they actually love you, it wouldn’t matter.”

“We’re seventeen. We throw the word love around all the time, but how many people our age would find someone willing to overcome their lifelong prejudices for someone else?”

“I’m not saying there aren’t shitty people, but there are people who know about you and love you just the same.”

“Yeah, why don’t I just date one of you guys? I have so many options,” he said sarcastically.

When Sirius remained silent, Remus looked at him for the first time since the beginning of their conversation. His breath caught in his throat at the intensity of Sirius’ gaze. For a moment, they remained frozen before Sirius broke it by nodding his head.

“Fine,” he said. “It’s your life. I can’t make you do anything.”

He began walking away without another word. By the time Remus came to his senses and followed, he had passed several more houses.

* * *

Remus rushed through the library, doing his best to stay quiet as Madam Pince’s sharp eyes tracked his movements until he disappeared behind the shelves. His heart beat frantically after rushing from the grounds, but he didn’t let that slow him down.

The need to breathe didn’t catch up with him until he came to a stop in front of the table Lily occupied. She’d laid out her supplies, a stack of books off to one side and two more open in front of her.

She raised one eyebrow at Remus’ state, not speaking as she gave him a few moments to suck in oxygen and calm his heart.

“Sorry, sorry,” he rushed to say as soon as he was capable of speech again. “I was at Hagrid’s and lost track of time. I didn’t realize…”

“Hagrid’s?” Lily asked, zeroing in on a piece of information Remus had considered of lesser importance in the apology. “I didn’t know you were friends with Hagrid.”

Remus straightened, feeling more like his usual self and curious as to Lily’s sudden inquisitiveness about who he chose to spend time with.

“I’ve been visiting him this year. He’s nice to talk to.”

“I know that. I’ve been visiting Hagrid since my first year. I just didn’t know you knew him well too.”

Remus let himself flop into the chair across from her and laid his bag on the table.

“You have been?” he asked. “I didn’t know that either.”

“How did you befriend him then?” Lily asked, abandoning her homework to cross her arms on top of her parchment. When Remus raised one eyebrow, she continued, “I assume you didn’t just wander to his hut and knock on the door.”

“No,” Remus said slowly, uncertain how much he wanted to reveal. He couldn’t tell Lily that Hagrid had spoken to him because he knew he was a werewolf. “We started talking while I was taking a walk on the grounds.”

Remus could tell from the slow way Lily nodded that she knew there was more to the story, but she thought better than to ask.

“What about you then?” he countered. “How did you befriend him when you were only eleven?”

Lily gave a small, sad smile.

“Severus and I had an argument, and I ran to the lake to cry. It was the middle of winter, so I figured no one would be out there to see me upset. Hagrid approached me, wanted to know what was wrong, and for whatever reason, I told him everything. He was a nice shoulder to cry on, so I kept visiting him after that.

“He’s one of the best men I know,” Lily continued. “He doesn’t deserve what that Tom Riddle did to him.”

Remus’ brow wrinkled in confusion, making Lily frown.

“You don’t know?”

Remus shook his head.

“Oh.” She hesitated, wringing her hands. “Well, I don’t think I should tell you. It’s Hagrid’s secret to share.”


	26. Interlude: Unchecked Resentment Grows (Peter Pettigrew)

Planning Remus’ birthday part was not how Peter wanted to spend his Friday night. He understood that planning parties was a thing friends did, but he didn’t enjoy the process. It was a necessary evil that he would have forgotten to do if James and Sirius hadn’t been on top of it, ready to plan a party for any occasion.

The fact that Remus’ patrol duties happened to be scheduled for a Friday was a fluke, but it was one that Peter hated, especially when James had helped make the decision once upon a time. Of all the days of the week it could have been, he had to spend his Friday evening listening to Sirius come up with wild idea after wild idea for how to spend Remus’ birthday.

“I don’t think he’d want anyone singing,” Peter said, rolling his eyes at Sirius idea to hire a barbershop quartet like he’d seen in one of the Muggle movies he’d watched over the summer. If Peter was already annoyed over the party planning, he hated the reminder that Sirius had gone behind their back and had a secret boyfriend for months without them knowing.

Sirius pouted over Peter flat out rejecting another one of his ideas, which only made Peter clench his fist down at his side where his friends couldn’t see it. Each idea Sirius through out was more absurd than the last, but he didn’t care because it was Remus they were celebrating. Remus who was good, kind, and intelligent. Remus who deserved to have the best birthday ever. Peter couldn’t point out that they hadn’t done anything nearly as cool for his birthday several months earlier because doing so would make him look like the one in the wrong, not his friends who so clearly had favourites.

Peter knew it was wrong of him to feel resentment towards Remus, who probably would have preferred no party at all over everyone making a big deal of it, but knowing his feelings were wrong didn’t stop Peter from feeling them. They were there, gripping his heart, and he couldn’t shake them.

Sirius started describing the cake he wanted to ask the house elves to make for them, complete with two different fillings and loads of chocolate decorating the top. It was nothing like the plain vanilla birthday cake Peter had received with the most generic message of “Happy birthday, Peter!” written in red and gold icing.

Peter flopped back on his bed with a loud sigh, staring at the ceiling as Sirius continued describing the cake with sweeping hand motions. Neither of his friends paid any attention to him as he stopped responding to the conversation.


	27. Glimmers of Hope

Sirius actually left Remus alone for the most part during the two weeks that led to his birthday. Remus knew his friends were planning something. None of them were around as much as than usual, and he particularly missed Sirius bothering him while he tried to study, not that he would ever admit as much. There was little he could do to convince them not to throw a party though, so he kept studying, making good use of the time alone.

When he walked into the common room on the Friday evening of his birthday to shouts of ‘Surprise!’, he thanked everyone like he was supposed to and promptly found a quieter place to sit while everyone else poured themselves drinks.

Every member of Gryffindor House had been invited by consequence of using the common room, and the place was lively. The first years in particular were thrilled to be caught up in the excitement, and the older students relished having an excuse not to study.

With a sigh, Remus settled back in his seat. Few of the people there cared much that it was his birthday. He hardly spoke to most of them.

He’d only been sitting down for a few seconds when Lily and James appeared and took up the rest of the couch Remus had claimed as his own.

“Okay?” James asked, nudging Remus’ shoulder.

Remus offered him a small smile and nodded.

“Yeah, it’s just,” he motioned around the heavily decorated room, “a lot to take in.”

There were streamers and balloon. On the tables, party poppers sat waiting to be used by the most enthusiastic of students. Remus dreaded thinking what the common room would look like by the time the party was over.

James and Lily shared a worried look that left Remus exhausted already. He hadn’t meant to make them upset.

“That’s not to say it’s bad,” he hurried to add. “It’s a nice party.”

His attempts did nothing to make them look assured.

“I wanted something smaller,” James said. “I thought you’d appreciate that better. Things like we’ve done in the past, you know? But Sirius thought you deserved a big party for your last at Hogwarts. He wouldn’t settle for anything less.”

“Sounds like Sirius,” Remus said, a genuine smile taking over his face.

Lily laughed. 

“It does,” she said. “He was very particular about every little detail. You should have seen him. We couldn’t do anything without him approving it first. The drinks, the music, the cake. He had a hand in everything. I didn’t know Sirius could devote energy to planning something.”

James and Remus both laughed, with James throwing his head back in amusement.

“Sirius has always planned things,” James said once he could speak again. “Who do you think was the mastermind behind all the trouble we got up to.”

Lily frowned, tapping her fingers against the armrest of the couch in thought.

“To be honest, I considered him to be more of the idea guy. I figured the two of you worked out most of the details.”

There was more laughter.

“Sirius drags us along for everything,” Remus said. “Not even James has a say in a lot of it.”

“But I’m usually much more willing to be dragged along than Remus is.”

Remus glared at James for before continuing to speak.

“Sirius plans everything. I think he gets a kick out of seeing something he pictured in his head actually happening. Look at him now.”

He pointed at Sirius across the room. It took James and Lily a few seconds to locate his position despite Remus’ finger. Sirius was talking to a few sixth years near the enchanted record player they’d set up to blast the latest rock music into the room. There was no telling what the group was discussing, but Sirius was animated, waving his hands around as he spoke.

“All of our craziest ideas were his, and they’d have never become reality if Sirius hadn’t pushed for them,” James said, breaking Remus’ focus on Sirius.

“What’s the craziest thing Sirius has every planned then?” Lily asked.

She pulled her legs up on the couch and leaned closer as if preparing for an epic tale. James lit up at the chance to share his escapades with Lily without her glaring at him in disapproval or scolding him for his actions.

“You know about most of them. Charming the boys’ bathroom on the first floor to announce what everyone did in the stall. Enchanting the Fat Lady to speak only in rhymes.”

“I remember that!” Lily exclaimed. “She wouldn’t let him in the common room for weeks after he did that to her. He had to wait for someone else to come along and rush in behind them before she could swing herself closed.”

She collapsed against the couch in giggles, and Remus couldn’t help but think of when the prank had happened. Lily had been one of the students who had refused to let Sirius rush in behind her when she found him in the corridor.

James glowed under the positive attention. Remus stayed quiet and watched the two of them as they leaned closer and laughed as if sharing secrets. Their happiness with each other was contagious. Remus’ cheeks stung from the large smile he couldn’t get rid of as he listened to James tell story after story from their years of friendship and Lily soaked it in, laughing and asking questions at all the right parts.

“Sirius’ greatest plan was definitely when we were in second year though,” James began.

Remus held his breath. Sirius’ greatest plan, they had all decided, was for the boys to become animagi, but James couldn’t be about to reveal that. Not in the middle of the common room and not when Remus had yet to tell Lily that he was a werewolf.

James realized as much a split second later. His smile fell, and he held his hands awkwardly in the air from where he’d been gesturing enthusiastically.

“What did he come up with in second year then?” Lily asked, eyes narrowing as she observed the way James and Remus had suddenly grown stiff.

Remus could no longer look in her direction.

“Hello, my lovely friends!”

Sirius appeared as if he’d been listening to their conversation and knew just when to interrupt. Perhaps he had. Remus had been so engrossed in the stories that he’d lost track of Sirius’ movements around the party. The boy in question squeezed himself into what little space there was between Lily and James on the couch, throwing an arm around each of them.

“Lily, have I told you that I’m gay?”

Lily stared at him for a few seconds. It was long enough of a pause that Remus’ stomach tightened, but Sirius’ smile remained frozen in place as Lily processed the confession.

“No, you hadn’t,” she said, voice shaking slightly. “It hadn’t come up.”

“Oh, well, I am,” he said. “I figured you should know, what with you and Prongs and all.”

He motioned between Lily and James with his head before patting the both of them on their shoulders and pulling them closer as if they were hugging.

“Well, thanks for telling me.”

Much of the tension in Lily’s voice had been replaced with amusement, and Remus smiled at the picture Sirius made squeezed between the couple. Sirius gave a laugh, ruffled James’ hair, placed a kiss on Lily’s cheek, and stood up.

“You’re quite welcome, Lils.”

With a dramatic flourish, Sirius took a mere two steps and dramatically fell to the couch again, this time half on Remus’ lap. Remus’ stomach dropped. He reached out to grab Sirius around the waist, worried he might tumble off the couch, but he shouldn’t have worried. Seconds later, Sirius had his arms wrapped around him too.

“Happy birthday, Moony! I’ve been neglecting you. I’m sorry.”

Remus shifted under the weight of the other boy.

“Hmmm. Have you?” he asked, voice trembling in a way that left him unable to look at James or Lily.

He was sure his cheeks were changing colour, and he averted his eyes downward until he realized that only meant seeing more of Sirius. With a gulp, he looked up again, his whole body squirming at the intense, amused look in Sirius’ eyes.

Without a word, Sirius got off his lap and took a seat in the armchair next to the couch instead. He chose not to comment on what had just transpired between them despite Remus hardly being able to breathe. His attention was so narrowly focused on Sirius that he was no longer thinking about what James and Lily might think of what was happening.

“I have,” Sirius continued, and it took Remus a moment to catch up with what they were talking about. “People kept needing me.”

He pouted.

“All I wanted was to celebrate my best mate’s birthday with him—”

“Excuse me,” James said. “Since when is Remus your best mate?”

Sirius turned to James with a bored look on his face. He waved his hand through the air.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Have you decided to spend time with me instead of sneaking off to snog Lily for once?”

James stared back, unable to come up with a response as he tried to think back on how much time he had actually spent snogging Lily instead of being with his friends. Remus couldn’t blame him for being a little surprised. Sirius’ voice had contained just enough venom that it wasn’t immediately clear if he was joking or not. Remus knew Sirius was enjoying making James squirm a little.

“He’s just joking, Prongs,” Remus said slowly.

“Am I? I didn’t realize.”

Remus glared at Sirius, who offered him a shrug and smirk in return.

“It’s fine, Moony,” James said with a laugh, giving Remus a side hug. “I was only joking too.”

Remus tried to smile, but he couldn’t. He glanced back at Sirius, making eye contact, and something about the look in Sirius’ eye, complete with a smirk, left his stomach in knots.

* * *

Once Remus’ birthday was out of the way, Sirius was back to annoying Remus with a vengeance as, once again, James and Peter were distracted by their girlfriends.

“It’s not that no one wants to date me. It’s that no guy here is brave enough to date me publicly.”

Remus, who had been trying to focus on his homework instead of Sirius’ ranting, couldn’t help but perk up at that.

“You think there are other guys who are gay at Hogwarts?”

Sirius laughed, stretching out where he was laying on his bed and making his shirt ride up to reveal a strip of skin. Remus used all of his willpower to look at the other boy’s face.

“Gay. Bisexual. Not straight,” Sirius said, waving his hand through the air. “The short answer is yes.”

Remus couldn’t stop his eyes from widening at the thought, and Sirius laughed. 

“We need to work on your gay education, Remus. Lesson 1: Gay people are everywhere. Don’t listen to the straights.”

Even as he rolled his eyes, Remus felt a blush rising to his cheeks.

“I’m catching on,” he muttered.

When Sirius laughed again, Remus balled up a piece of parchment and threw it at him. Turning himself around where he was sitting on his bed, he tried to get back to his homework.

“I’m sorry, Moony.”

Sirius came around Remus’ bed, appearing on the other side where Remus could see him. Remus was tempted to turn around again but settled for glaring as Sirius sat down cross-legged in front of him.

“Who’s secretly gay then?” Remus asked. “I assume you have theories.”

Sirius’ silent smirk was no less amused than his laughter had been.

“Where’s the fun in telling you? If we’re going to play this game, you have to at least guess first.”

Remus stared at Sirius for a few moments, unable to do anything but blink. There was no way he was going to win such a game. Aside from the fact that he had never paid attention to whether anyone around him might be gay, he doubted he’d have noticed anything even if he had been looking for it. He had no idea what he was meant to be looking for.

“The answer’s probably a lot closer than you think,” Sirius said, still smirking in a way that made Remus squirm.

Remus couldn’t stop his eyes from travelling towards the other beds in their dormitory, his mind trying to connect the dots that Sirius was providing him with.

“No,” Sirius said with a roll of his eyes, almost as if he were disappointed.

“Padfoot, I have no idea, and I don’t care enough to play this game.”

Sirius pouted, and for a second, Remus thought he’d give up and just tell Remus whatever it was he wanted him to realize on his own. A second later, Remus forced himself to look away, shaking his head as he tried to remember what he’d been writing in his notes.

Wasting no time, Sirius tugged the parchment from his grip, tearing it slightly.

“Padfoot! Do you know how long I’ve been working on that!?”

A quick wave to Sirius’ wand restored the parchment to its former state, but it didn’t get rid of Remus’ annoyance. Sirius’ grin fell slightly at his friend’s glare, but he recovered quickly, scooting closer to Remus on the bed.

Remus’ body reacted in the ways he expected it to, the ways he couldn’t explain or perhaps didn’t want to. His blood surged through his veins, and he sucked in a shallow breath, hating the way Sirius’ grin was back in full force.

They were so close together that Remus could feel Sirius’ breath against his skin.

“The person I’m talking about is a lot closer than the other beds.”

Remus was gasping for air, only partially aware of what Sirius was doing right in front of him. He had pulled away to give Remus space. The bed shifting pulled Remus back to reality, and he realized a split second later that Sirius was leaving him behind in the dormitory.

“Wait.”

Sirius froze, still facing the door, as if Remus had pushed a button that controlled his movements. The idea of it sent shivers down Remus’ spine.

“Do you mean it?” he asked Sirius’ back.

Though Sirius turned towards him again, his movements were agonizingly slow.

“My answer to that isn’t what makes a difference here, Remus.”

The truth of it surprised him more than anything else had. He stared at Sirius, and Sirius looked back with more patience than Remus had ever experienced from him. He kept one eyebrow raised while he waited for Remus to give him an indication of what he should do next.

When Remus stood from the bed, he saw Sirius’ breath catch in his throat, and the knowledge that he could have that effect was invigorating.

There wasn’t much space between them, but that didn’t stop him from feeling as if he were travelling to the moon and back as he closed the distance.

“Sometimes, when you look at me, I feel a little sick.”

The comment didn’t have the effect Remus had been hoping for. Sirius snorted, breaking some of the tension that had formed between them. Remus was thankful for it even as his embarrassment made another appearance.

“Are you trying to flirt with me, Moony? Because, if so, you’re doing a terrible job of it.”

“I’m not flirting,” Remus muttered, though he thought he might have been. He wasn’t sure anymore what he was doing. “What I meant was that my body feels weird around you sometimes, especially my stomach.”

There was more laughter from Sirius.

“You’re really bad at this. Good thing you’re attractive as fuck, Moony.”

The comment made Remus freeze again. A swirl of emotions travelled through him as he tried to process it.

“Really?” he asked.

Sirius smirked, and Remus no longer felt annoyed at how much the other boy was enjoying this. There were too many other sensations filling him from his head to his toes. He’d never felt anything like it, and he couldn’t make sense of it. There was too much happening inside him.

His brain seemed to be malfunctioning as Sirius stepped closer, and Remus could do little but gasp a split second before Sirius’ lips touched his own.

HIs body erupted with sensations that paled in comparison to what he’d been feeling moments before. After spending years avoiding relationships for others’ own good, Remus had little knowledge of how to kiss someone, but Sirius didn’t have that problem. And Remus was abundantly thankful that Sirius knew of his cluelessness and was entirely unbothered by it. He guided Remus though the kiss with determination.

Not knowing what to do with his hands, Remus brought them to rest on Sirius’ chest, but Sirius wasn’t content with that himself as he let his hands explore Remus’ body, fire erupting wherever he touched.

Remus had been daydreaming about kissing for years, with his dreams ranging from more innocent to less innocent than how it was turning out to be. He had expected it to be overwhelming having someone else so close.

At times, he’d had fantasies about kissing guys; at other times, it had been girls. The dreams had featured Sirius in the starring role for a lot longer than he cared to admit, though he had never allowed himself to entertain the thought of it becoming a reality. Aside from the fact that Sirius was another boy, he was Remus’ best friend.

If something went wrong between them, Remus had no idea what that would mean, but that didn’t feel like it mattered when Sirius was there and making it clear that he didn’t want it to matter.

It would have been easier to never pull away. Remus was sure that he would have kissed Sirius for the rest of his life if he could. He would have had few complaints, but that wasn’t reality.

They did eventually pull away, and as Remus’ mind cleared, he began to worry about what came next.

“So, that hunch is confirmed then,” Sirius said, his hands coming to rest on Remus’ waist.

If he weren’t still on somewhat of a high, Remus would have pulled away from Sirius at that out of protest. As it was, he settled on an unconvincing glare that only got overjoyed laughter as a response. Remus couldn’t help but laugh too.

“Was I really that obvious?”

Sirius rested his forehead against Remus’, and Remus felt his anxiety over the potential ruin of their friendship dissipate.

“Surely not to the straight people that surround us,” Sirius assured him.

“Are there actually other people you think aren’t straight or was it always just me?”

Sirius laughed, and Remus took his distraction as an opportunity to tug him closer. Sirius had no reservations about aligning their bodies.

“I do have other suspicions, but none as strong. And none of them that I cared to learn the truth of anywhere near as much.”

“How long?”

“How long have I suspected you weren’t straight?”

Remus nodded. Sirius pressed a kiss to his cheek, and Remus blushed, averting his gaze until Sirius tilted his chin up.

“Since before I came out,” he admitted. “But I thought it was just wishful thinking at first. It wasn’t until after I came out that I thought maybe I was actually on to something.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well, yeah, because that was the first time I realized I had any sort of chance too. But mind you, I still didn’t think it was much of a chance. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling for you meant until you kissed me. Now it seems kind of stupid that I couldn’t piece it together before.”

Sirius’ smirk was back. He guided Remus backward until the back of his legs hit the bed, forcing him to sit down, and he quickly straddled Remus before Remus could panic from nerves. Remus knew he must have made for an embarrassing picture, cheeks red and pupils dilated as he stared up at Sirius with his mouth agape.

Knowing that didn’t help him regain his composure.

“You didn’t think you had much of a chance? Really, Moony?”

It was easier to stare at Sirius’ chest than his face, though any part of him was more of a distraction than Remus needed as he tried to make sense of what his brain was telling him.

“Sorry,” he said, though he wasn’t sure that Sirius was looking for an apology. “But most people have rules against dating their best friends, don’t they? And I’m a werewolf with no hope in the future on top of that.”

It was the most honest Remus had been with any of the other Marauders about his future, and Sirius went from amused to concerned in record time. Remus felt him stiffen as he continued to stare at his chest.

When the silence had become too much to bear, he chanced making eye contact. There was a fire in Sirius’ grey eyes that caught Remus off guard. Before he could defend his choice of words, Sirius pressed into him, making them fall back onto the bed. Remus fell into the kiss easily, forgetting what he’d said. Sirius hadn't forgotten though.

He pulled away too quickly with the fire still in his eyes as he spoke.

“I’ve been angry at myself for months because there’s not a job in this world that feels worth doing to me, and all along, you’ve been silently thinking you have no future.”

Though he knew Sirius wasn’t angry at him, he still felt a little like he was being scolded.

“Can you blame me? You know what’s happening as well as I do. I’m never going to find a job when You-Know-Who’s making it harder for anyone but pureblooded witches and wizards to get hired every day.”

“That doesn’t mean you have no future. That means we fight, and when he war is over, you’ll show the entire wizarding world what you’re capable of.”

Remus desperately wanted to believe that as much as Sirius seemed to.

“I’m telling you, Sirius, being my friend is already a monumentally bad idea. Being more than that is only worse for you in the end.”

“Fuck that,” Sirius growled, covering Remus’ lips with his own.

It would be nearly an hour before Remus could say anything more.


	28. Once You Reach a High, You Must Come Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates. This isn't as exciting as the last chapter, but please consider it a Christmas present anyway.

There was never a discussion of what he and Sirius were after their kiss, and for that, Remus was thankful. The years he’d spent avoiding relationships because of the potential disaster couldn’t be shaken easily.

True, he’d expected that anyone he dated wouldn’t know he was a werewolf, so Sirius was one step ahead in that regard. Remus had no secrets from him, but that was only the tip of the iceberg that was his worries. Sirius was a pureblood and held the potential to go far in life even with the war and despite being disowned by his parents.

Remus, on the other hand, would be penniless and unable to support himself, destined to be a drain on those around them. He knew that Sirius would disagree if he knew what Remus was thinking, and Remus had no desire to share the fears with anyone, but that didn’t make them less real.

The fear made him grateful that he wasn’t quite sure if Sirius was his boyfriend or just a friend with benefits. It didn’t matter in the end; he knew what Sirius’ feelings were despite the lack of a title. He wasn’t sure why, then, calling him a boyfriend would have made it so much harder for him to accept. All he knew is it would have.

For all that worry, though, time spent with Sirius was the closest Remus came to forgetting about his hopeless future, and Sirius had finally stopped complaining about the time James and Peter spent with their girlfriends. But the end of Sirius’ complaining didn’t mean that Remus was free to study like he had once hoped for.

His study sessions with Lily were the only thing keeping him on top of his school work, as he couldn’t let her down by missing a session, and she got genuine enjoyment out of explaining potions to him in simple terms, something Remus didn’t understand. She should have been thinking of a career as a professor. Slughorn would be nearing retirement within a few years. She’d laughed off the suggestion when Remus had made it, but he still thought she should be first on Dumbledore’s list.

Half the time, he and Lily were left alone in the library while Sirius and James distracted themselves in another part of the castle. The other half of the time, Sirius and James would join them, ostensibly to study, but that was never what they wound up doing.

The war never came up when it was just Remus and Sirius. During those times, the only focus was on what was happening with them in the moment.

That wasn't the case when James and Lily were there too. In those cases, there was little else his friends could talk about except the war.

“He’s too arrogant,” James said, keeping his voice low enough that Pince wouldn’t storm over. “Everyone knows he’s scared of Dumbledoreーhe should be since he took down Grindelwaldーbut he’s still full of himself. Dumbledore will get him eventually, and that’ll be the end of it.”

Lily frowned at him.

“You make it sound like Dumbledore could walk up to him whenever he liked and end the war in a few minites. If it were that easy, he’d have done it by now.”

“Well, You-Know-Who is a sneaky fellow, isn’t he?” said Sirius. “He can hide, sure, but it's once he and Dumbledore come face-to-face that the real shit goes down.”

Remus empathized with the frown on Lily’s lips, but he didn’t speak up as he tried block out their conversation and wrote his essay. He wished Sirius’ hand on his knee was half as comforting as Sirius thought it was. The only thing it did was distract him.

“I don’t think it’ll be Dumbledore,” Lily admitted in a whisper.

Remus looked up from his essay to stare at her. They were silent for a few moments as Lily blushed. The only change Remus could detect was Sirius’ hand tightening on his knee.

“He’s the most powerful wizard in the world,” she continued. “But I feel like he’s waiting for something, like he thinks it’ll be someone else to take You-Know-Who down.”

The boys let the idea simmer in their minds for a moment before Sirius spoke.

“You reckon Dumbledore feels too old for a second rendezvous with an evil wizard?”

Lily shrugged.

“It’s not necessarily about Dumbledore being too old. I just don’t think he’ll be You-Know-Who’s downfall. He doesn’t seem to think so either.”

“Maybe it’ll be you, Lils.”

Lily blushed at James’ comment. He smirked as he reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I highly doubt it,” she muttered.

“There’d be some poetic justice in that,” Remus said. “You-Know-Who being taken down by a Muggleborn.”

“I’m not a powerful enough witch to take on You-Know-Who.”

The boys all laughed, earning glares from a red-faced Lily who swatted James on the shoulder.

“Just because you’re not a second Dumbledore doesn’t mean you’re not powerful, love,” James said, scooting closer to Lily and resting his arm on the back of her chair. “In a few months’ time, we’ll be out there, and I’m not naive enough to think you’ll be hiding while the war’s happening. You’ll be out there fighting, and Merlin knows you’ll make a name for yourself.”

Lily squirmed, tugging at her tie.

“I don’t know if I want to make a name for myself in a war.”

“Not like we have much choice, is there?” Sirius asked. “It’s the only one any of us are going to make a name for ourselves. No one’s looking at the witches and wizards sitting around studying theoretical Transfiguration when there’s a war going on.”

Remus shuttered, and Sirius hand slipped higher to squeeze his thigh before he removed it entirely to wrap his arm around Remus’ shoulders. The embrace wasn’t as close as Remus would have like due to the less than comfortable library chairs they occupied, but he appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

“I’ll do what I have to,” Lily said quietly. “But I’m not a hero, and I don’t ever want to be.”

“I wish we could decide that, but I’m not so sure we can,” James said.

Remus chose that moment to ask Lily a homework question. No one called him out on it.

* * *

Curfew had long since passed in the castle, and in a turn of events that would seem strange to anyone with a passing knowledge of their Hogwarts careers, three of the four Marauders were safely tucked away in their dormitory.

They were supposed to be sleeping, but all three were very much awake.

“It’s two in the morning,” Sirius whispered just loud enough to be heard.

Remus, who had been watching the clock ticking on his nightstand, nodded even though he couldn’t be seen. James sniggered from his bed.

“Go Wormtail. Who would have thought he’d be the one out with a girl all night? Not even I’ve managed that.”

“You’re dating the Head Girl,” Remus pointed out with a roll of his eyes. “There’s no way Lily would stay out this late with you. Maybe you’ll have better luck after Hogwarts.”

“Where are they even at?” James asked, ignoring Remus’ jarbs. “The castle’s drafty enough during the day. They must be freezing.”

Sirius laughed. 

“I’m sure they’ve found plenty of ways to stay warm. I’m almost jealous of them.”

“Why?” James asked with genuine curiosity. “You get to use our dormitory. I’d kill for freedom like that.”

Sirius smirked as he answered.

“You know that our steps don’t turn into a ramp for your girlfriend, right? Only the other way around?”

James stared at the canopy of his bed without answering. Remus couldn’t help but snigger along with Sirius at the stunned look on their friend’s face. Remus made a mental note to be more careful the next time he entered their room.

“Really though,” Sirius said, hitting his fists against his mattress. “Where do you think Wormtail and Sandra have gone off to?”

“Who the hell knows?” Remus groaned. “And who really cares?”

The lack of sleep was catching up with him and quickly overcoming what curiosity he’d had when they’d started keeping vigil.

Sirius lifted his head from his pillow to smirk at Remus, who tried to ignore the way his heart sped up at the look. He turned to his side, away from Sirius, under the pretense of finally going to sleep. A few moments later, Sirius slid into his bed, fitting himself against Remus’ back and placing a kiss to his cheek.

“Get some sleep, Moony. Prongs and I will tell you everything that happened in the morning.”

James snorted from his bed. Remus glanced over to see that he’d pulled his sheets up to his chin.

“Yeah right, Padfoot. He’s not coming back anytime soon, and I want to sleep too. I think we should all find out in the morning.”

Remus’ eyes had fluttered closed when he felt Sirius stiffen. He blinked his eyes open again and turned his head to see Sirius’ frown.

“You both sleep then,” he said. “I’ll stay awake and wait.”

Remus shifted until he was facing Sirius again.

“What’s wrong?”

He poked at Sirius’ stomach under the covers before pulling him closer. Sirius shook his head.

“It’s nothing,” he said, putting on a pathetic attempt at a smile. “I’m just curious is all. Wormtail’s never dated anyone before, and here he is staying out at all hours with a girl.”

Remus looked over Sirius’ shoulder to share a look with James. Despite the darkness, they both knew what the other was thinking.

“They’re either snogging or having sex,” James said with a shrug. “It’s kind of amusing that he’s out so late, but right now, I’m more interested in sleep than what Wormtail gets up to with girls.”

Sirius’ lips tightened. The way he wouldn’t look Remus in the eye was beginning to make Remus nervous.

“I’m not worried about Wormtail’s love life,” he said. “But, like, he’s been weird lately, right?”

The uncertainty in Sirius’ voice when he asked the question made Remus tighten his grip on his waist briefly before stroking his fingers over the skin there.

“Peter?” James asked, sitting up and moving to sit on the edge of his bed where he could look at them easily. “Weird in what way?”

Sirius sighed.

“If I’m the only one who noticed, maybe it’s nothing.”

“What is it?” Remus pressed. “If you’re worried, tell us.”

Sirius hesitated for another second before speaking.

“Peter’s started changing since he began dating Sandra.”

“Well, yeah,” James began with a slight laugh. “He’s got more confident, hasn’t he?”

“I guess,” Sirius said, voice wavering. “But that’s not what I meant. We never talk to him anymore.”

“Course we do,” James began before Remus cut him off, looking only at Sirius.

“Weren’t you just complaining the other day about how much time James spends with Lily?”

“You were?” James asked with a furrowed brow, Peter momentarily forgotten.

Sirius waved off James’ show of concern.

“This is different. James may spend a lot of time with Lily, but we spend just as much time together.”

He motioned between himself and Remus, almost as if James weren’t in the conversation.

“We never talk to Sandra,” he continued. “And Peter sits beside us at meals or in class, but that’s the only time we see him anymore.”

Remus had to struggle to think back to a time in the recent past when Peter had spent time with them when it wasn’t in the Great Hall or a classroom, and the only thing he could think of was the full moon.

“I guess I was so caught up in studying and,” he thought about Sirius, his cheeks warming, “everything else that I didn’t stop to think about it.”

“Me either,” James admitted. “Besides, Sandra’s not in our house like Lily is, so I figured she wouldn’t hang out with us.”

“I resent the implication that only Gryffindors would want to be friends with my gorgeous self,” Sirius said, motioning down the length of his body.

“He’s just infatuated,” Remus asserted, doing his best not to let his eyes follow Sirius’ gesture. “I mean, he’s dating the most popular girl in school. They’ll come down from their high eventually, and everything will be the same as usual.”

Sirius nodded just like James did, but none of them were smiling anymore.

They were all asleep before Peter came back.


	29. Clashes of the Mind

The day was the same as any other as Remus walked with Sirius towards the library. Classes had ended two hours previously, and students littered the corridors, coming and going or just standing around talking with their friends.

When Remus spotted the group of Slytherins, his stomach twisted, and he instinctively reached for Sirius’ wrist, as much to caution Sirius as to steady himself. Avery, Mulciber, and Snape were part of the group, and none of them ever shied away from shooting scathing remarks their way when given an opportunity. Remus was so focused on keeping Sirius from fighting the Slytherins in their own year that he didn’t notice Regulus was standing with the group until Sirius stepped forward, tugging his arm from Remus’ grip.

“Black,” Mulciber drawled as Sirius approached.

None of them expected Sirius to reach for Regulus, so they rushed out of the way as his hand shot forward. Regulus fought back, but no one pulled out their wands as Sirius tugged Regulus away away from his friends by the front of his robes. Regulus muttered curse words at his brother, but he wasn’t fighting back as hard as he could have, and the others were too amused by Sirius singling out Regulus to do much as Sirius towed the boy down the hall.

Remus ignored the rest of the Slytherins as he hurried after the Blacks, arriving just in time to see Sirius push Regulus against a wall with his hand held flat against his chest, keeping him in place. Regulus didn’t try to push against it.

“What are you doing hanging out with them?” Sirius growled.

Regulus didn’t look at his brother as he lifted one hand to smack Sirius’ hand away. Sirius, sensing that Regulus wasn’t going to make a run for it, took a step back, and Regulus began smoothing out his robes, touching them as if they’d been contaminated by something filthy. He didn’t look up at Sirius as he answered.

“By ‘them’, I suppose you mean my friends. We were talking as one typically does with friends.”

Though Regulus did his best to sound calm and collected, his voice quivered with thinly concealed anger.

“Those aren’t your friends.”

Sirius took another step forward, crowding into Regulus’ space. The action made Regulus look at him for the first time since he’d been pushed against the wall. A sneer graced his lips.

“What do you know about who my friends are? You’re a stranger to me and nothing more. You had a chance to be part of our family’s life, and you didn’t take it. Don’t pretend like you can choose differently now. There’s no erasing the past.”

Sirius stepped back, jaw tight. Remus closed what space was between him and the brothers to place a steadying hand against Sirius’ back. For a moment, the boys stared each other down, continuing to ignore Remus’ presence. The same fire sparked in both of their eyes, and Remus felt the muscles of Sirius’ back contract as he struggled to contain it.

A shout from the Slytherins sounded from around the corner as they harassed a passing student. Any hope Sirius had of refraining from speaking his mind disappeared.

“Our parents think the Death Eaters are brave, don’t they? They’re happy about this war and what You-Know-Who could do for purebloods across Britain. I’m sure they’d love to have their precious son as a member, but you don’t have to join them, Regulus. You don’t have to fight for people who wouldn’t mourn you if you died.”

Regulus snorted and crossed his arms against his chest as he leaned against the stone wall behind him.

“Hanging out with my friends at school isn’t going to kill me. I know what everyone thinks about them, but none of us our Death Eaters. We’re just some mates trying to enjoy our time at school. Both of us know what this is really about. You’re not worried about _my_ safety. You’re worried about your friends.”

He glanced past Sirius at Remus, his eyes narrowing.

“It’s what the Death Eaters would do to them if the wizarding world were run in a proper way that scares you.”

A shiver of fear travelled through Remus’ body as he tried to discern the threat in Regulus’ words. He easily could have been using Remus’ status as a half-blood with a Muggle mother as a taunt, but if he was hanging out with Snape, Remus feared that it was much worse.

Sirius lunged forward, forcing Remus to reach for him. He was prepared to pull him off Regulus before he could do an damage, but Sirius stopped before he touched the other boy, only pressing his brother into the wall from how close he was standing.

“No,” he said quiet enough that Remus could hardly hear it from behind him. “This is about you doing what you think will make our parents proud. And good luck achieving their eternal praise. I hope it doesn’t get you killed.”

He stormed off, leaving Remus and Regulus looking at each other. The real spark of fear in Regulus’ eyes disappeared as they narrowed at Remus. Only disgust was left. With a slight nod of his head, Remus hurried after Sirius.

They weren’t heading in the direction of the library anymore but, rather, the Astronomy Tower.

It wasn’t until Sirius was stomping up the stairs that Remus caught up with him. A touch on his arm was all it took to for Sirius to whirl around, his body still tense. Towering over Remus as he was on the steps, he looked intimidating, but the tension trained out of him a split second later, his shoulders slumping.

Remus took several more steps to place himself on the same level as Sirius. Reaching out, he took both of Sirius’ hands in his own.

“I’m sorry,” he said, at a loss for anything better.

Sirius snorted.

“What are you apologizing for? My brother’s the idiot.”

“Maybe,” Remus allowed with hesitation. “Still, I’m surprised you stopped yourself from doing anything more than that.”

In the past, Sirius had held a strict policy of pretending like Regulus didn’t exist. Aside from a few conversations during Regulus’ first two years of Hogwarts, Remus hadn’t never witnessed Sirius speaking to his brother.

“He was a good kid,” Sirius whispered low enough that anyone passing without them noticing wouldn’t be able to hear. “Maybe he was too good. He’d do anything our parents asked, even now. That’s what gets me. It doesn’t matter, in the end, what he thinks for himself because he’ll never actually think. He’ll just go along with what they tell him. Knowing that makes me think that if I’d just tried a little harder…”

Remus pressed their foreheads together, following Sirius’ lead in keeping their voices low.

“He’s only fifteen. There’s loads of time for him to realize they’re wrong.”

The storm raging across Sirius’ features made Remus’ stomach clench. He gripped Sirius’ hands tighter.

“Is there though?” Sirius asked.

Remus had no answer to give him.

* * *

The unfamiliarity of the handwriting on the letter had Remus’ stomach in knots before he’d opened the envelope. He had no idea if the sender had timed it on purpose, but there was no one else in the dorm to question him about the letter or its contents. Even before he knew the sender, Remus was thankful for that.

With shaking hands, he tore it open. He kept his wand close by, not forgetting the stories he’d heard of cursed letters. He had no desire to make the Prophet even if he came out of the other end relatively unscathed.

The letter was written in a messy script that was hard to interpret at first. As he got sucked into the letter, though, Remus found himself making sense of it without trouble.

_Remus Lupin,_

_Never let it be said I don’t keep an eye on those I’ve turned. I bet you don’t know who I am, but it was me who bit you as a kid. Your father never told you that I reckon. Bet he never told you the bite was his fault either, did he?_

_Yeah, your dear old dad despised werewolves. Called us evil. Vermin. That was my favourite one. You can’t blame me for wanting revenge for our kind. You were exactly what I needed, and now you should understand why I did it._

_Dumbledore may of let you in Hogwarts, but he can’t change things. Even he don’t really like werewolves. He’s just got use for you. Makes him feel better because he can say he’s good. You should of figured that out now._

_Wizards will never want us around, so we have to take care of ourselves. You’ll be out of school soon, and then what? Good luck working for the humans._

_I protect my own. You come to my pack, you’ll have what you need._

_Don’t forget that._

_Fenrir Greyback_

Remus swallowed down the vomit that was fighting its way up his throat. Grabbing his wand from his nightstand with a shaking hand, he set the letter on fire, dropping it to let it disintegrate as the ashes fluttered to his bedspread.

His heart raced as if he’d run a marathon, and for a long time, all he could do was sit and stare at the ashes that were scattered over his bed.

No one could know what he’d read. No one. His friends would have a lot of things to say about Fenrir Greyback, and Remus had no desire to hear any of it. They couldn’t know what werewolf had turned him. Everyone would be much happier if it were a mystery. Remus certainly would have been.

The letter had never come. He’d prove Greyback wrong, and no one would need to know that Greyback had thought him capable of accepting such an offer.

* * *

Remus wasn’t sure how he, Sirius, and James had ended up on his bed. He’d been trying to take a break from studying by reading. He deserved some semblance of a relaxing Friday evening after all. That had lasted until Sirius had shown up with the Marauder’s Map, wanting to laugh at how James and Peter had snuck off to different areas of the castle with their respective girlfriends.

Within half an hour, though, James had returned, and as Remus continued trying to read, James and Sirius had honed in on Peter, with Sirius’ previous suspicions being brought up again.

“I just don’t understand why we never get to talk to her,” he’d whined as Peter’s and Sandra’s dots hovered together on the map, often overlapping entirely.

James didn’t seem as concerned, but he let Sirius go on about it as much as he wanted.

It wasn’t until later that evening that Peter returned to the dormitory. His hair was ruffled and his robes slightly askew. Going by his puffed out chest, he was more than aware of his appearance and was happy with it. Sirius snorted when he saw him, jostling Remus who sat pressed against his side.

“Have fun, Wormtail?” Sirius asked as Peter fell to his bed with a sigh.

Peter lifted himself up on his elbows to look at them, still clustered on Remus’ bed, from the other side of the dormitory. His smirk was unlike any expression Remus had seen from him in the past. Having a girlfriend really had given him a level of confidence he’d never possessed before. Only Remus wasn’t as convinced as Sirius was that it was a bad thing

“I did,” Peter said with satisfaction. “Sandra’s quite fit.”

Remus expected a comeback from Sirius about how he wouldn’t be able to tell, being gay, but instead, Sirius laughed and went with a different tactic.

“Yeah, you keep telling us how great she is. Why, then, do we never get to talk to her?”

With a sigh, Remus tried to bury himself deeper in his book. Sirius grew animated beside him, jostling him as he spoke.

“What do you mean?” Peter asked with a furrowed brow. “You’ve all met her.”

“Once or twice sure,” Sirius said, waving his hands around. “But Lily hangs out with us all the time. You never let Sandra spend time with us.”

Peter shrugged before moving to sit cross legged on the end of his bed.

“I can’t control who she’s friends with. I mean, I’m sorry I guess, but she has her own friends.”

“So does Lily.”

“Sandra’s not Lily,” Peter shot back. “Look, she’s in Ravenclaw. She has a ton of Ravenclaw friends. She likes to spend time with them. I’m sorry that there’s someone who’s not dying to spend time with you, Padfoot, but not everyone cares about you as much as you care about yourself.”

Remus let his book fall to his lap, mouth open as he stared at Peter. Sirius had frozen beside him, and even James was frozen as he stared at their friend.

“What?” Peter looked between James and Remus defensively. “You know as well as I do that this is what this is about, right? How could a girl not want to hang out with the illustrious Sirius Black? That’s what he thinks.”

“Peter, I’m gay,” Sirius said slowly. “You know—”

“But you still expect everyone to fall at your feet,” Peter said, rising to his own feet and clenching his fists. “Sandra thinks so too, you know? That’s why she doesn’t spend time with you. She thinks you’re a wanker. I tried to tell her she was wrong at first, but maybe she’s right. All you care about is yourself. I don’t care if you’re gay or not. You still expect everyone to think you’re the coolest thing the world has ever seen, whether they’re male or female. But you’re not Sirius. You’re not the greatest person ever, and I’m not going to act like you are anymore.”

He stormed out of the dormitory, leaving the other Marauders staring in his wake.

“That’s not how I expected that argument to go,” James muttered just loud enough for the others to hear.

“I didn’t expect it to be an argument,” Sirius shot back.

His jaw was tight. He leaned into Remus’ pillows with his arms crossed against his chest. Remus tugged one of his arms free and took his hand in his, placing a kiss on the back of it. The storm swirling in Sirius’ eyes lessened somewhat, but he his body was just as tense.

“She’s his first girlfriend,” James said, turning around to better face them. “He wants things to be perfect, so maybe, if she hates you, he just wants to get her approval? But they’ll break up eventually if she hates you so much. You’re his best mate.”

Sirius shot James a glare, and James quieted, holding his hands up in surrender. He stood from the bed, reaching over to pat Sirius’ shoulder.

“It’ll be okay,” he said before disappearing out of the dormitory himself.

Once he was gone, Remus pressed himself closer into Sirius’ side.

“It’ll be okay,” he whispered.

There were few things he would have said that about anymore, but he did feel confident that Peter would get over whatever was going on with him soon.

“How long have you been friends with Peter?” he asked, nudging Sirius’ arm. “You were right to think something was up with Sandra, I guess, but James is right. You’re Peter’s best mate. He’s not going to hate you forever because some girl he just started dating said he should.”

Though he didn’t glare at Remus like he had James, Sirius looked sceptical.

“He’s been kissing her longer than you’ve been kissing me,” he pointed out. “How are you going to sit there and say that their relationship is so meaningless that they’ll just break up soon?”

“So? We’ve been best friends since first year. It’s not fair to compare us to Peter and Sandra. The first real conversation they had was Peter asking her out.”

“James and Lily—”

“Are also not a fair comparison. I’m not saying all that to shit on Peter’s relationship. There’s nothing wrong with it—except the obvious—and I’m not saying there’s no way it could work out. But even James and Lily have known each other a lot longer than Sandra and Peter have. They’re in the same house. They talked all the time even if it wasn’t always very amicable.

“Peter will get over whatever’s wrong with him sooner or later. He can’t just think whatever Sandra wants him to think forever. Not when she’s getting him to turn against his best mate.”

Sirius didn’t argue, but he didn’t relax either. Knowing it was hopeless to press his point further, Remus kissed him, determined to do what he could to get him to smile again.

It worked, and Peter was promptly forgotten.


	30. Interlude: You're Better Than Them (Sandra)

Sandra listened to Peter recount what had happened between him and Sirius while twisting strands of his hair between her fingers and providing sound effects at all the right parts of the story. The hand not occupied with his hair ran over his thigh, but he was worked up to the point of not reacting to it in the way he typically did. Her heart hurt knowing his best friends had been cruel to him when he had done nothing to deserve such treatment except stand up for her.

“Everything will be okay, sweetheart,” she said, placing a lingering kiss on his cheek. “Your friends suck, but you have me. I’ll always be there for you. If they don’t realize how great you are, that’s their loss, but it’s my gain. The less time you spend with them, the more time you have for me.”

She smiled brightly and leaned in, moving her hand farther up his leg. When he smiled back, her stomach fluttered. She was about to kiss him again when he spoke.

“That’s true. I hadn’t thought about it that way before.”

His smile fell, and ice coated Sandra’s stomach. She pushed herself closer to him, removing her hand from his leg to instead wrap both of her arms around his waist, prepared for the onslaught of insecurity she had come to expect.

“Why did you choose me?” Peter asked. “You’re so popular that you could date anyone at Hogwarts. Why date me?”

Sandra scowled and hit him gently on the arm.

“You make me sound shallow when you say things like that, Peter. I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you as many times as I have to before you believe me: I don’t care what anyone else says about us being together. I’ve admired you since third year when I watched you help that lost first year find her way to Potions. You have a bigger heart than any of your friends. The fact that the rest of the world can’t see that just shows how messed up people are. Sirius Black wouldn’t help a first year like you did. You’re the only decent guy in this whole school. I’m lucky to have you.”

She expected the compliments to put a smile back on his face, but the closest thing Peter managed was a grimace. He shifted in her embrace, loosening her arms around him.

“Sirius helps people…”

Sandra scoffed.

“When?” she asked. “I’ve never seen it. The only thing he does is taunt people. Sure, he can be flattering when he wants attention, but that’s not real kindness. He doesn’t help anyone unless there’s something in it for him. You have true kindness in you, Peter. You’re selfless. There was nothing for you to gain from helping that first year.”

Peter still looked unsure, but the smile he offered her was more assured than the one he’d shown her before.

“I guess I just want things to be how they used to be,” he admitted, tracing her name across the back of her hand with a finger. “Things were easy when we were younger. They’re my best friends, you know? I don’t like fighting with them.”

“I know,” Sandra said, reaching for his hair again and tugging it in in the exact way that made him shiver. “But things change. It’s a fact of life. We’re growing up, and sometimes, you have to leave friendships in the past because they aren’t good for you. It’s hard, but you have me, Peter. I’ll always be here. I love you.”

His smile was wide once more.

“I love you too.”

He kissed her, and Sandra’s stomach erupted in butterflies. It hurt that she had to build Peter up when he should have realized how amazing he was without her help, but when she got responses like this kiss, she was happy to do it.


	31. The Truth Comes Out

The morning after Sirius and Peter’s argument, Sirius made it down to breakfast before the other Marauders were awake. Remus and James found him sulking over a bowl of porridge and staring at the platter of bacon in front of him as he slowly raised his spoon to his mouth, chewed, swallowed, and repeated.

Remus settled into the seat beside Sirius as James took the place across from him, pulling Sirius from his own internal musings. He tried to smile at them, but it was distant, as if part of his mind was still somewhere else.

“Good morning,” he said. “Have a nice night’s sleep?”

“Sure,” James said, reaching out for a piece of toast.

Remus went straight for the coffee, pouring himself a generous amount in preparation for the day.

Peter appeared not long after, his hair still damp from a shower. Though he was wearing his usual uniform, the clothes somehow looked nicer on him than usual. His eyes shone as he settled in beside James, not detecting the cautious looks his friends were directing his way.

“Good morning,” he said with a smile, not glancing at his friends as he reached for a bowl of scrambled eggs and began scooping them onto his plate.

“Uh, good morning, Peter,” Remus said. “Feeling alright?”

Peter glanced at him with one eyebrow raised.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

He looked between all three of the other Marauders curiously as they shared their own looks of confusion.

“Well,” James began, “last night…”

Peter’s brow crinkled.

“What about last night? It’s in the past, and it wasn’t even a big deal.”

He took a large bite of eggs as if he’d said enough to settle things.

James and Remus both looked at Sirius. When he shrugged in response and took another bite of oatmeal, Remus let out a long breath and tried to relax the tension in his body. Perhaps the worst of that conflict was over and wouldn’t rear its ugly head again.

He tried not to focus on how Peter and Sirius didn’t speak directly to each other for the rest of the day.

* * *

Remus laid in bed, trying with all his might to fall back asleep despite the early evening sun still filtering through the window. Sleeping was the easiest way to spend his recovery time after the full moon, but he’d reached the part of the process where he felt restless but didn’t have enough energy to get out of bed. Tossing and turning, he eventually settled on staring at the canopy of his bed and letting his mind wander.

Mostly to Sirius. Even before they’d begun kissing, he’d spent more time thinking about Sirius than his other friends, but it had become especially hard to think about anything else since Remus had learned what it felt like to touch him.

Glancing at the clock, he knew his friends had to be at dinner. It wasn’t long after he’d had the realization—though it felt like years—when James hurried through the door of their dormitory.

“Dinner is served,” he announced, conjuring a tray and laying the food he’d smuggled from the Great Hall on top of it. “Alas, I only have part of it. Sirius is raiding the kitchens to get the rest. Someone ate all the treacle tart before we could get to it.”

“I don’t need—”

“Sirius is already getting it, so it’s no use.”

Remus gave James a half-hearted glare, but he ate his food without voicing any further comment. Sitting propped up against his pillows reminded him how sore he was. The knowledge made him grumpier, and he stabbed at his peas with more force than necessary, turning some of them to mush.

It took him a few moments to realize James was hovering awkwardly on the edge of his bed, wringing his hands and letting his eyes flicker between Remus and a spot on the wall.

“What’s up?” Remus asked slowly, watching James as he chewed on a mouthful of the dinner roll James had brought.

James hesitated a second before speaking.

“Things are getting kind of serious between me and Lily.”

He moved to sit cross legged on the bed across from Remus. His hands fiddled with the fabric of his trousers as he spoke.

“Honestly, Moony, I think—no, I know—that I want to marry her, and it’s killing me that she doesn’t know I’m an animagus. I definitely can’t ask her to marry me—not that I plan to do that soon exactly, but you know… I can’t ask her to marry me if she doesn’t know I can turn into a stag. It doesn’t seem right.”

Remus stared at his dinner as James continued.

“But that’s always been your secret more than it’s mine. I can’t tell her I’m an animagus without explaining why I became an animagus, and I can’t do that without your blessing. It’s not my place, so I won’t tell her if you ask me not to. And I don’t want to pressure you. Really, I don’t. If you say you don’t want her to know, then she doesn’t find out, but if you’re open to telling her, we can do it together. I’d be there with you.”

Remus didn’t look up at him right away. He stared at his half-mushed peas and considered the possible outcomes of openly sharing his lycanthrophy with someone on his own terms for the first time.

The thing was, he trusted Lily more than he trusted anyone who wasn’t his father or one of the other Marauders. It was impossible to imagine her hurling abuse at him once she learned the truth, and he couldn’t say that about anyone else who didn’t already know. He knew she’d be kind—perhaps kinder than he deserved—and he wanted her to know the truth.

It wasn’t only James who would be relieved when they stopped having to conceal things from her. There had been a number of occasions when Remus had been forced to tread around dangerous topics. But…

“I’ve never actually told anyone before.”

He looked up at James.

“You lot figured it out yourselves. Obviously, my parents knew before I even understood what was happening to me, and Dumbledore told the entire staff before I got here. I’ve never just said it to anyone before.”

James nodded, a frown creasing his forehead.

“I understand. You don’t have to…”

He moved to stand from the bed, and Remus leaned forward, ignoring the stab of pain to grab James around the wrist.

“I want to tell her,” he said decisively. “It’s terrifying, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get the words out once she’s looking at me, but I do want her to know.”

Tension drained out of James, and Remus was thankful that James, at least, could smile at the idea of sharing the truth.

“Besides,” Remus continued, “if you really are going to marry her, you’re right that she needs to know you turn into an animal. I imagine it’d be painful for you if she found out later on.”

James cringed, reaching up to tug at his hair as he considered it. He headed for his own bed, bouncing as he went. Remus watched him, feeling a slight grin grace his lips even as uneasiness tightened his stomach.

“Like I said, Remus, I’ll help,” James assured him, perched on his own bed as he loosened his tie. “If you freeze up, I can tell her everything. Just say the word, and I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever you want.”

Remus’ smile widened.

“Thank you.”

James offered him a small nod before they were interrupted by Sirius bursting in with treacle tart held above his head like an idol. As he threw himself across Remus’ legs and demanded a kiss in payment for the gift, Remus promptly forgot his unease.

* * *

Lily was surprisingly eager to take a walk on the grounds with James and Remus late in the evening, not mentioning even once that they were going out dangerously close to curfew. That was when Remus knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she knew they were about to confess something, and her eagerness to hear it outweighed her loyalty to the rules.

They made it to an area of the grounds that was never crowded, even in the middle of the day, before Remus worked up the courage to speak.

He didn’t stop to say it. If he did, he didn’t think the words would come out like they were meant to, so he merely blurted it out as he continued to put one foot in front of the other, staring ahead of him at their path.

“When I was five, I was bitten by a werewolf.”

Lily gasped, but it was muted compared to what Remus had expected.

“Five?” she repeated.

Remus glanced at her, finding nothing but sympathy in her eyes. It became easier to breathe, especially when James was beside her smiling as if he’d never been more satisfied with life.

“Five,” Remus confirmed. “I didn’t know until later that the werewolf who bit me was angry at my dad, so he came after me for revenge.”

“That’s terrible,” Lily whispered.

Remus wasn’t sure if the words had been for him or herself, but he responded.

“It was.”

He tried to push his own thoughts about it from his mind.

“For a long time, my parents didn’t think I’d be able to go to Hogwarts, but when I was ten, Dumbledore showed up at our house to personally invite me. My parents didn’t even believe him at first, but he’d set up a safe place for me to transform. In the Shrieking Shack.”

He paused again, taking in Lily’s reaction. She looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding her head.

“That makes sense. All the ghosts people hear, are those you?”

“Yes. The Whomping Willow hides a secret passage. I can’t get passed the trees’ branches as a wolf. When I’m transformed, my mind changes with my body. Nothing the wolf thinks is logical. At least not according to human logic.”

Another pause.

“You’re not surprised about the willow bit, are you?” James asked Lily, a wicked smirk on his lips.

“No,” she admitted with an unsure shrug of her shoulders. “Not after what happened with Severus in fifth year. I knew there had to be a reason Sirius sent him to the Whomping Willow. Other than it just being convenient for pummeling him.”

“Yeah, Snape’s been a massive pain in Remus’ backside for years. Hasn’t he, Moony?”

Remus gave an uncomfortable shrug. Most days, there were plenty of nasty things he’d say about Snape, but discussing how he’d almost killed Lily’s former best friend once when he’d only just told her he was a werewolf was not how he wanted his confession to go. Just thinking about it still made him feel nauseous.

“So, now you know,” Remus concluded, shrugging awkwardly.

Lily gave him a small smile and stepped forward to hug him. Remus stiffened before sinking into the hug. Over Lily’s shoulder, he could see James’ beaming face, and Remus found himself smiling back.

“That’s not everything,” he said as he pulled away. “James has something to tell you too.”

Lily looked confused for the first time since they’d left the castle. She turned to James with one eyebrow raised. James straightened, puffing his chest out slightly as he prepared to tell his part of the story.

“Sirius, Peter, and I figured out Remus was a werewolf in second year, and we decided we wanted to help. It took a while, but in our fifth year, we became animagi.”

This time, Lily’s surprise was enough that she took several steps away from James. Remus reached out a hand to steady her as James gave a short, nervous laugh, reaching up to tug on his hair.

“Animagi? At fifteen?” Lily breathed. “You can’t be serious?”

James shrugged.

“Yeah, it’s true. It took years, and it was really hard, but all three of us can turn into animals. Peter’s a rat. Dead useful for getting past the Whomping Willow. Sirius is a dog. No surprise there. And,” he paused, giving a slight shrug of his shoulders, “I’m a stag.”

Lily mouthed ‘a stag’ to herself as she stared at her boyfriend.

“You would be a stag,” she muttered after a few seconds of silence.

James’ posture straightened at the comment, and he laughed, reaching to pull Lily forward. She went easily, a fond smile on her lips as she looked up at him. A second later, her brow creased.

“I’m assuming this is all very illegal?”

“Very, very illegal,” James confirmed, doing his best to look chastened.

Lily sighed.

“I’ll admit, it was shocking at first, but I can’t say I’m surprised that you’d do something like that for your friend. All three of you are good, caring people.”

“They are,” Remus said, unable to help himself. Both of them turned to smile at him.

“You won’t tell anyone then?” James asked.

Lily narrowed her eyes.

“Did you think I was going to?”

“Well,” James said, putting on a falsey serious voice, “you are Head Girl. We don’t want to put you in any difficult situations.”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“There are wizards out there murdering Muggleborns. You boys being illegal animagi should be the least of the Ministry’s concerns.”

With a quick laugh, James dropped a kiss to her lips. Smiling at them fondly, Remus excused himself, leaving them to discuss what Lily had learned alone.


	32. Interlude: No More Secrets (Lily Evans)

As Remus disappeared back up to the castle, Lily let James take her hand as they began walking around just the two of them.

“Whose idea was it to become animagi?” she asked as they went.

There were many questions left to be answered, and adrenaline rushed through her as she anticipated the answers.

“Me and Sirius thought of it at the same time,” James said.

Coming to a stop at a low stone wall, he cast a warming charm on the rock and motioned for her to sit down beside him. She pressed herself into his side, fitting easily underneath his arm.

“We were in Transfiguration class,” he continued. “McGonagall was giving a lecture about how hard work would pay off, and she transformed into a cat to show us what we could achieve if we worked hard enough. Sirius and I looked at each other right then, and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. We’d just pieced together that Remus was a werewolf the week before, and we’d been talking about how we wanted to help him somehow. It was like the universe gave us the answer.”

Lily smiled. She thought she remembered that particular lesson, but there was no telling if it was actually the same one. McGonagall showed them her animagus form at least once a year when she wanted to give them pep talks that might make them study harder before exams.

“It must have been difficult,” she said with a sigh. “There have been times when I thought about how cool it would be to become an animagus, but I know I could never actually do it. It must have taken you years.”

“Three,” James confirmed. “We read every book the library has on animagi after that class and started trying right away. That was second year. We didn’t manage to transform until about halfway through fifth year, and it wasn’t for a lack of trying. Even though Transfiguration is my best subject, I wanted to give up a lot of the time. Sirius was probably what kept us going. He was determined to do it, and he wouldn’t let us give up.”

Lily smiled at the thought.

“He cares about Remus so much,” she said with a short nod of her head. “I can only imagine how dedicated he was. But I bet it was hard on Peter. I wouldn’t have thought he could pull it off.”

James frowned.

“To be honest, it wasn’t any harder for him than it was me or Sirius. Sirius actually struggled the most. If we hadn’t been doing it for Remus, I don’t think he’d have managed it. Peter transformed for the first time the same day I did. It took Sirius another month after that.”

“Really?”

James smirked at Lily’s surprise, leaning down to press a kiss against her cheek.

“People always underestimate Peter,” he said softly. “He’s not actually bad at most magic. It’s just his self-esteem that gets in his way.”

Lily’s smile turned gentle, and she reached up to cup James’ cheek, stroking his skin with her thumb.

“One of the things I admire about you is how much you believe in your friends,” she admitted. “I know you’re right. Especially if Peter managed to become an animagus. That’s some of the most advanced transfiguration there is.”

“The most,” James corrected. “At least in terms of an individual skill. There’s harder stuff you could do, but it’s mostly about scale, like transfiguring all of Hogwarts castle at once even though, on a technical level, it’s the same as transfiguring any of its individual parts.”

“James,” Lily said with a smirk, nudging him in the side. “Your nerdy side is showing.”

James laughed, reaching up to ruffle his hair.

“Transfiguration is an art form,” he said with a shrug. “I’d argue that it’s some of the most beautiful magic there is when pulled off correctly. I know you have a soft spot for Potions, Lils, but you have to admit that it all looks the same once you’re finished.”

“It does not!” Lily exclaimed.

She pushed his arm off her shoulder and stood, placing her hands on her hips.

“A potion’s appearance tells you so many things about it. No two potions look the same. See, this is why you never would have made it in N.E.W.T.-level Potions.”

“I wouldn’t have,” James said, conceding the argument easily.

He rose and put his arm around Lily’s shoulder again. She didn’t protest as she wrapped an arm around his waist. They stood there for a moment taking in each other’s presence, with Lily digesting everything she’d learned.

“Can I see your stag form?” she asked quietly, her eyes not quite able to meet his.

It shouldn’t have been a big deal. She was sure James was dying to show off, and there was nothing inherently personal about the transformation. Still, knowing she would become one of only four people who had seen him him as a stag felt significant.

“Of course,” James said, doing his best to keep his voice confident.

He reached up again to mess with his hair, and Lily smiled as she waited patiently. It took a full minute of James bracing himself before there was suddenly a stag instead of her boyfriend.

No, it was her boyfriend as a stag, Lily corrected herself. James was still inside the animal. His mind hadn’t changed, and neither had his eyes. She kept her gaze on the hazel irises that were the only part of the animal she could connect to James.

“Wow,” she breathed, taking a cautious step closer.

No matter what she kept telling herself, she couldn’t shake the feeling that the stag was a wild animal that would flee if she got closer, but it didn’t. James stepped forward too, lowering his head to appear less threatening. Lily had to admit that his antlers were larger than she’d been expecting.

“This is strange,” she said to herself, as if James couldn’t hear her.

Reaching out a shaking hand, she touched his snout, jumping a little at the snort James gave in response. His fur was like velvet beneath her fingers, but touching him in such a way was strange. She couldn’t bring herself to pet him as if he were a real animal, even if it was just his face. There wasn’t any proper etiquette to follow when your boyfriend was in the form of a stag. At least not that she was aware of.

She let her hand fall to her side, unable to do anything but look at the stag. James transformed back into himself without warning, prompting her to scurry backwards several steps. She placed a hand against her chest, adjusting to having a fully human James in front of her again.

“Too much?” he asked, a frown on his lips.

Lily shook her head, though she wasn’t sure if it was the truth or not.

“I’m just not used to it,” she said, being careful to smile. “I don’t know what’s appropriate for me to do and what isn’t.”

James laughed, stepping forward to rest his hands on her hips.

“You didn’t touch me anywhere you haven’t touched me before,” he pointed out, his grin turning into a smirk. “You weren’t doing anything wrong.”

She nodded absentmindedly, staring into James’ eyes and doing her best to connect them to the stag that had been before her. There was still a disconnect between her boyfriend and the animal.

“Thank you for telling me all this,” she said. “It’s a lot to take in, but I’m glad you trusted me with it. That means a lot.”

His smile grew soft as he cupped her face.

“Of course I trust you. I trust you with every secret I have.”

He leaned down to capture her lips with his before she could respond.


	33. What Comes Next?

Remus was distracted as Sirius studied across from him. For once, it wasn’t because he wanted to kiss the other boy, and for once, Sirius had actually become engrossed in his studying. His brow was furrowed as he read and re-read a passage of his Defence textbook. He was oblivious to the glances Remus kept tossing his way.

With a sigh of frustration, Remus laid down his quill. It was no use; he had been letting his hand hover above the parchment for so long that the ink he’d applied to the tip had dried.

He stretched, trying to refocus his mind on the studying he was meant to be doing. When he opened his eyes, Sirius was finally looking at him, one side of his lips quirked upward.

“Alright, Moony?”

Remus bit his bottom lip as he debated how to answer. His distraction could easily be played off as homework fatigue, but he found himself too preoccupied not to share the true nature of his thoughts.

“Have you decided what you’ll do after Hogwarts?”

Sirius’ grin morphed into a frown. While he’d been leaning casually against the back of his chair, he straightened and leant forward, his eyes cautious as he looked at Remus. He cast a careful gaze around them before he spoke in a low voice.

“I thought I’d made it obvious by now. I want to fight.”

Remus’ stomach tightened.

“Yes, I know that, but I meant as a job. No one’s going to pay you to fight Voldemort. Not unless you mean that you want to be an Auror. They’d gladly take you if that’s the case, even with some of your marks. I don’t think they’re too picky right now.”

Sirius laughed.

“Me? An Auror? We both know I’m not good enough with authority to keep that job. I’d be kicked out of training the first day, if they accepted me at all. Everyone’s better off if I stay away from that.”

“Then who’s going to pay you, Padfoot?”

He couldn't keep his irritation out of his voice over the way Sirius refused to take his future seriously.

“You need to eat somehow,” he continued. “You’re not going to get any money from your parents like James is sure to.”

Something dark flickered in Sirius’ gaze. If Remus hadn’t been frustrated himself, he might have backed away from getting a serious answer out of the other boy. At the moment, however, he couldn’t shake the incessant need to know what Sirius planned to do with his life.

“I couldn’t get a job if I wanted to, Sirius, and I do want to. Meanwhile, you plan on waltzing out of Hogwarts and taking whatever's offered to you, don’t you? You’re not even trying to accomplish anything.”

A tense moment passed where Sirius stared at him, an unreadable expression on his face. As the silence stretched on, Remus grew to regret his words.

When Sirius spoke, his voice was carefully controlled.

“I’m sorry that I view the war as more important than anything else. I’m sorry that I want to make the world into a place where you can take whatever job you want to without bastards judging you for shit that isn’t your fault.”

Remus closed his eyes for a moment.

“I didn’t mean to make you sound like an awful person, Sirius. It’s just… Everything…”

“I know,” Sirius said, making Remus’ eyes fly open to look at him. “I’m just as pissed off as you are that you can’t do whatever you want to after Hogwarts.”

Remus doubted that, but he didn’t argue.

“But I don’t think me taking a job or not will help you. Fighting in the war will,” Sirius concluded

Remus gave an uncomfortable shrug, looking down at his notes that laid in front of him. There were twice as many notes as Sirius had on the same topic, and it wasn’t just because he was better at studying than Sirius. He found Defence fascinating.

“I doubt that. Things were bad for werewolves before this war. They will be after it too.”

“Then we fight the war, win, and keep going until there are no more bastards.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, though he couldn't help himself from grinning at the idea of Sirius going after every prejudiced person he encountered until there were, miraculously, none left. He didn’t think Sirius would succeed, but it did sound like something he’d attempt.

“Good luck with that.”

Sirius reeled backwards, clutching at his chest. He, too, was smiling again.

“Do you doubt me, Moony?”

“You? Of course not, Padfoot. The only people I doubt are the rest of wizarding society.”

“Ah.” Sirius nodded. “The bastards. Yes, no one knows how much they dislike change better than me, dear Moony. It will be a difficult task, but I’ve always enjoyed a challenge.”

Remus laughed.

“Please, stop calling them bastards. The purebloods at least take a lot of pride in _not_ being bastards.”

“Don’t I know it,” Sirius said with a smirk. “Sometimes you’ve got to think that they’re making up for some deep seated inadequacies.”

He stood up and took the chair next to Remus, promptly wrapping his arm about Remus’ shoulders. Remus glanced around for Madam Pince, relieved when she didn’t seem to be anywhere in sight.

“We’re okay then?” Sirius asked softly.

Worry coloured his voice, prompting Remus to smile gently and pat Sirius’ leg.

“We’re okay,” he said, emphasizing his words with a kiss.

When he pulled away, he did his best to set his face into a stern expression.

“But you really do have to find a job.”

Sirius smiled sheepishly back.

* * *

Lily bounded towards the table Remus had taken in the library with far more energy than Potions homework warranted.

The second he glanced up at her, she shoved a newspaper under his nose. He recognized it instantly as the _Prophet_ , though article she was showing him was a small one buried towards the end of the paper. He hadn’t noticed it when he’d read his own copy earlier in the day, distracted as he’d been by the headlines full of torture and death.

‘Even in hard times, one researcher hopes to provide wizarding world with relief from threat of werewolves,’ the headline read.

Remus had to read it several times, and he still wasn’t sure what to make of it. It sounded anti-werewolf enough that Lily’s large smile made him uncomfortable.

“Are you reading it?” she asked, pushing the paper closer.

Holding his breath, Remus read farther than the headline.

“Can you believe that?” Lily asked once he was finished. “Soon, maybe you won’t need to transform in the Shrieking Shack. You could go to the Hospital Wing or stay in your dormitory, and there’d be no worry about any accidents happening.”

Remus grimaced. The tone of the rest of the article had been similar to the headline. A researcher wanted to make werewolves less of a danger to good, upstanding citizens. He wasn’t sure he felt as if he and other werewolves being helped very much, even if the researcher’s experiments with a potion to ‘tame’ him, as the article had put it, were successful.

He didn’t know how to explain that to Lily in a way that didn’t make him feel uncomfortable.

Because of that, he tried to smile.

“It would be nice to keep my mind when I’m a wolf,” he admitted.

Lily’s smile softened, and she reached out to pat his hand before she tucked the paper back into her bag.

She didn’t mention it again as they set to work on Potions.


	34. Interlude: Do What I Must (Regulus Black)

Regulus kept the hood of his cloak pulled over his face and his head tilted downward as he hurried through the streets of Hogsmeade. The darkness provided some cover, but he didn’t trust the villagers to keep quiet if they noticed a student about. The town was too small for someone out of place to not be noticed. Regulus had learned after sneaking out in his first year that Hogsmeade was no London.

The punishment for trying to steal candy from Honeydukes would be nothing in comparison to being caught for this. He couldn’t play off his excursion as an innocent meeting with his cousin. Not to Albus Dumbledore.

He found Bellatrix right where she’d promised to be, standing at the bottom of the hill where the Shrieking Shack was perched. As he approached from behind, she stared up at the house as if mesmerized. Though she didn’t turn around, it was clear that she knew he was approaching.

“It’s a shame it’s quiet tonight,” she said quietly, as if they were merely stargazing together. “Did you know they built this house only a couple years after I graduated? Everything interesting happens once you’re gone.”

She waved a dismissive hand at the house as she turned to look at Regulus, but her eyes lingered a second longer.

“I’ve yet to actually hear the screams everyone talks about. I think it’s all hearsay.”

Regulus shrugged. He couldn’t attest to having heard the ruckus for himself, but he doubted the villagers were all been hallucinating the howls they’d heard since the house had been erected. There were any number of possible explanations, none of which Regulus found particularly interesting.

“Why did you ask me to meet you out here, Bella? Exams aren’t that far away, you know? I should be sleeping. Tomorrow is a full day of studying.”

“There are things that can’t be asked about in letters,” Bellatrix said briskly, getting straight to business after being redirected. “I want to make sure you’re keeping the correct company.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow.

“You couldn’t ask me about my friends in a letter? You thought that would be suspicious?”

Bellatrix’s frown deepened, and Regulus sighed deeply.

“I promise that my friends are the finest Hogwarts has to offer. I’m not Sirius. I have no intentions of sullying the family name for the purposes of a good laugh.”

“All right, all right,” Bellatrix said, waving off his irritation and rolling her eyes. “There’s no sense in getting defensive. As your elder, it’s only natural that I would bother myself with keeping you on the right track. One has to check in from time to time and make sure that no course correcting is needed. I trust that you’ve stayed close with Rosier? His father is doing very well at the moment; don’t skimp on that relationship.”

“I won’t,” Regulus said, not bothering to explain the way Rosier sent shivers down his spine when he listened to him talk. Rosier didn’t just view Muggleborns as being less refined or equipped to handle magic. He viewed them more as objects. There was something unhinged lurking inside Rosier, and Regulus didn’t want to be in the vicinity when it was released.

“Good, good,” Bellatrix muttered as if she were praising a dog for its well-trained behavior. “Now, of course, I have one more important question: What have your friends been saying about the Dark Lord? Do they admire him like they should?”

Regulus held in a sigh. As soon as he had read her letter, he’d suspected the Dark Lord was the primary reason Bellatrix wanted to speak to him. The man was all anyone could talk about, and it was driving Regulus up a wall, not that he would admit that to Bellatrix. She was how he had first heard of the Dark Lord. During one of his breaks from school, she’d come to Grimmauld Place enthusiastically talking about the man who had taught her more than Hogwarts ever had.

Afterward, Regulus had pushed it aside as unimportant until his school friends started talking about the same man as they whispered about him down corridors and in their dormitory. He hadn’t been sure what to make of it at first, but he’d adjusted and gone along with it. Bellatrix had direct access to the man who Regulus could only think of as somewhat terrifying though, and that made him cautious with his words.

“They’re intrigued,” he said truthfully, “just as everyone is.”

Bellatrix smirked, clasping her hands together in front of her.

“Good,” she said. “No doubt there’s a lot of potential talent there. That’s the favour I’ve come to ask of you, Regulus.”

His stomach sank, but he didn’t outwardly react. For all of Bellatrix’s earlier talk about keeping him on the right path, she wouldn’t have bothered to come herself unless she had a task for him.

“What is it?” he asked with a slight bow of his head.

“You must be mine—and by extension the Dark Lord’s—eyes and ears at Hogwarts. We cannot enter the school ourselves, so we must trust you to do our work for us. Keep an eye on your friends and the other students. Discuss the Dark Lord with them, see who’s interested and who isn’t. Keep a particularly close eye on anyone you deem talented. I trust you can work that out for yourself.”

He didn’t confirm or deny his skills in that area. Bellatrix had already assumed that he’d said yes, and he hadn’t believed there was another option regardless. Bellatrix wasn’t someone you said no to. He’d learned that as a child, and she now had an extremely powerful wizard standing behind her.

“Am I meant to write?” he asked. “How will I keep you updated on what I see?”

“I don’t think letters are necessary,” she said with a shrug. “Prove yourself, Regulus. If you do your job well, the right recruits will find their way to us.”

His stomach tightened. The threat was clear. If none of his classmates joined the Death Eaters, Regulus was going to pay for it. He focused on keeping his breathing even as he nodded.

“I understand,” he said firmly.

Bellatrix was quick to disappear once he understood what he needed to do. As Regulus headed back up to the castle, his stomach twisted up in knots, but he didn’t slow down until he reached his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the last of the interludes! We have three more chapters, and then this story will be at a close, which is wild to think about. Wow.


	35. Failed Attempts

Remus had every intention of hiding in the back of the library alone before he spotted Sandra bent over a book and with a quill in her hand. There was no one with her, and though he hesitated, Remus couldn’t pass up the opportunity to actually speak to her for once.

“Hello.”

She glanced up at him, eyes widening as she realized who was speaking to her. Her arms splayed out over her parchment as if concealing it from him. It made his eyes want to flicker down to see what she’d written, but he forced himself to keep looking at her face, not wanting to pry.

“Hello,” she echoed defensively. “Why are you speaking to me?”

Remus frowned. He had no idea what he’d done that could have her so angry at him. If it was about Peter, that really hadn’t been him, though he could see why she’d blame him just as much.

“You’re dating one of my best mates. Why wouldn’t I say hello?”

“You’ve never said hi to me before.”

He resisted the urge to tell her that he never spoke to her because she didn’t seem to want him to. That wouldn’t help him if he had any hope at all of befriending her.

“You never talk to me either, but maybe we should try. For Peter?”

She looked at him for a long time, making Remus uncomfortable. Part of him was tempted to walk away and give up on ever making nice with Sandra.

“I know what you said to Peter,” she said.

“I didn’t say anything about you to Peter. You might be referring to what Sirius said.”

She shrugged as if that difference was meaningless.

“You don’t want to be friends with me,” she said, turning back to her parchment and scribbling on it as she continued to use her other arm to block Remus’ view of what she was writing. “You think I’m some heartless hag who’s playing with an innocent man’s heart, and I’d rather not speak to someone who has such a low opinion of me.”

He wanted to point out, again, that she was angry about something Sirius had said, and that what she had just accused Sirius of saying actually differed greatly from what he’d actually said. But he didn’t.

With a sigh, he backed away from the table, giving her a small wave.

“Have a nice day,” he said as he went.

She didn’t return the nicety.

* * *

The aftermath of their NEWTs was similar to that of their OWLs. As soon as their last test was over, the Marauders found themselves a spot on the grounds to enjoy the afternoon sun. Luckily, Snape was nowhere to be seen this time around, and Remus didn’t think James or Sirius would have bothered going after him even if he had been.

Unfortunately, Peter was much more preoccupied about his test scores than he had been in their fifth year.

“I know I failed everything,” he whined, flicking through his notes as he tried to look up the answers to the hardest questions. “Everything.”

“Relax, Pete,” James said, clapping him on the shoulder. “You studied hard. There’s no way you could have failed everything.”

Peter looked up just long enough to give James a disbelieving look before delving back into his notes, flipping frantically in search of an elusive answer.

“Besides,” Sirius said, leaning around Remus to look at Peter, “don’t you have that job with your cousin lined up? What do your scores matter?”

“That doesn’t mean I want to fail,” Peter mumbled, not looking up from his notes a second time.


	36. Stick Together

“It’s nearly over,” James said as the four boys prepared for bed the night after finishing their N.E.W.T.s. “Just a few more days, and we’ll be on the Hogwarts Express for the last time.”

His voice had a faraway quality to it that might have been sad or happy about the coming end.

“Freedom,” Sirius said, throwing himself onto his bed and letting his t-shirt ride up to show his abdomen. Remus pretended it wasn’t distracting as he perched himself on the end of his own bed.

“Do you know what you’re doing then? Once we’re out of here?”

He didn’t glance at Sirius, knowing that the other boy rolled his eyes at the question. He’d continued to avoid Remus’ pestering on the subject since they’d argued about it, and James had kept just as mum about his own plans.

“I’m going to fight,” he said with a shrug. “That’s the only thing I can do without feeling useless.”

“You and Sirius both,” Remus replied dryly.

“Damn right,” Sirius muttered, earning himself a glare from Remus.

“I’ve told you,” Remus said, his focus on Sirius, “Dumbledore isn’t going to pay you to fight in the war. You’ll be living on the street if you don’t come up with something else.”

“I have money,” James said, voice a bit quieter than normal even as he smiled.

“More than enough,” he added. “I don’t need to work, and I think that’s a good thing. Devoting my time to fighting means something, doesn’t it? A job would be a distraction. My parents will support me when I tell them what I want to do. They won’t be happy about it. Mum will probably yell a lot, but they’ll support me when it comes down to it. So, I can help the with the war as much as I need to.”

Remus’ body hummed with the energy in his veins. Though he didn’t think of himself as someone prone to violence except when a wolf, he was fighting the urge to throw something.

“And what about Sirius?” he asked. “Who’s going to let him mooch off them? Your parents too?”

“I told you,” Sirius short back, “I’ll get a job, Moony. Whatever you want me to do. I’ll put food on the table. I just don’t want—”

“You’ll do whatever I want?” Remus mocked. “Clearly, you don’t know shit about what I want, Sirius.”

Before any of his friends could say anything, he stormed out of the dormitory, afraid of what he would do if he stayed any longer. His ears rang as he hurried through the common room and put into the corridor, not paying attention to which direction he was heading in.

He probably made quite the picture to any other students who passed, but that was the least of his concerns.

Eventually, he found himself in a small alcove. He was there for less than half an hour before James arrived, sweeping back the tapestry that hid Remus from view with the Marauder’s Map clutched in his other hand.

Remus stared at the other boy’s shoes, not brave enough to make eye contact. James was silent, too, as he sat on the floor across from Remus, the tapestry falling back to block them from view.

It was James who broke the silence first.

“People are idiots.”

“Yeah, I figured that out after being friends with a few for seven years.”

He still hadn’t looked James in the eye, but he could see the movement of him shrugging his shoulders from the corner of his vision.

“I deserve that I suppose.”

“You do.” He braved making eye contact. “You really don’t understand how lucky having money makes you, but you’re even more clueless about how messed up everything feels when you’re a werewolf. You could flunk your N.E.W.Ts and still find a job. You’re a pureblood. Sirius too. And both of you treat that like it’s worth shit.”

“It isー”

“Maybe to you, it seems like it’s something that shouldn’t matter, but to other people, it’s worth a lot. And I don’t just mean Voldemort. There are plenty of people who’d rather hire a pureblood than a Muggleborn, no matter what they’d say about everyone being the same if you asked them. Your blood status is worth something, even if you don’t want it to be.”

James was frozen in place for a moment, and all Remus could do was stare at him and fidget with his hands.

“Fair enough. You’d know better than I would,” James finally said.

“I would.”

He felt only slightly mollified that James had agreed with him. Though part of him was beginning to regret his outburst.

“We’re not going to let you go hungry, you know?” James said.

Remus’ eyes narrowed.

“I don’t want to be your charity project. You’re all young. You’re meant to be having fun, not making sure your friend is making it by.”

“There’s a war going on. Providing you with some money for essentials, at least, isn’t going to hurt anyone.”

“You don’t need to—”

“Need to? No, but I want to. You think I’d feel better if you were homeless and starving, Moony? Merlin, no. As you have no doubt realized, I didn’t do all that much to deserve the Potter family fortune. Why do I have more right to it than you do?”

Remus shrugged, averting his gaze to the floor.

“I would have offered earlier, you know, if I’d known it was bothering you. I just considered it a given that each of us would make sure the others are taken care of.”

“That figures,” Remus muttered. “We are talking about the three boys who became unregistered animagi for me, but giving me an allowance or something isn’t going to provide you with an adrenaline rush.”

James snorted.

“Maybe not, but we didn’t become animagi for the adrenaline rush. That was just a nice bonus.”

“If that makes you feel better about yourself.”

James shoved him, and both boys laughed, the last of the tension between them draining.


	37. One Ending of Many

Remus wasn’t surprised to find his friends on the grounds taking advantage of the sunny day. He was, however, surprised to discover Sirius with a quill in his hand as he scratched at a piece of parchment.

“What are you writing?” Remus asked as he sat down, crowding into Sirius’ personal space in an attempt to read the parchment.

Sirius shifted to let Remus fit comfortably against his side and held out the parchment for him to inspect.

“A letter to Zonko’s asking if they’re willing to take on a recent Hogwarts graduate who’s well acquainted with their products.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, earning a smirk from Sirius.

“You wanted me to find a job,” he said, “and I figured why not check Zonko’s first? Even if it doesn’t work out, at least I’ll have asked. They know me by name, so that’s something. My resume will stand out if nothing else. Imagine getting to tell McGonagall that our old pranks helped secure my future. She’ll be thrilled to have me close by still.”

“You would wait until a few days before we leave to actually write about a job,” Remus said with a roll of his eyes.

Sirius waved his quill in the air.

“I’ve been focused on my N.E.W.T.s. Do you know how much time those take? It’s unrealistic to expect us to do well on exams and job hunt at the same time. It would take a superhuman to pull that off. Hell, I doubt Dumbledore could do it. The fact that society—”

“We get it, Sirius,” James cut him off with a roll of his eyes.

He was busy reading the book that Lily had passed along to them several days earlier when they’d taken their last exam. Remus knew more about it than he should have due to the way James kept dropping facts about it into conversation to make sure Lily knew he was actually reading it.

“What about you then, Prongs?” Peter asked from where he was leaning against a tree trunk beside James. “Have you searched for anything yet or are you still going to mooch off your parents?”

Far from looking offended, James grinned as he bookmarked his place and laid the book to the side.

“My parents are horrified that I want to fight but said in their latest letter, and I quote, ‘It would be counterproductive to let you starve when what we want is for you to be safe.’ I’m all set.”

“You living with them too?” Peter asked.

James hook his head.

“Nah. Did we not tell you? Padfoot, Moony, and I have decided to get a place. You must have been off with Sandra when we talked about it. I can never remember what you’re around for anymore. We’ll start looking once we make it back home.”

Peter rolled his eyes but didn’t say a thing about James’ pointed comment.

“I found a place too,” he said. “Or, my mum did at least. It’s by my cousin’s shop, and she says it’s nice. She’s helping me move in as soon as we get off the Hogwarts Express. It’s so weird to leave Hogwarts and not even be going back to my house.”

The others murmured their agreement.

* * *

Each step towards Dumbledore’s office took more of Remus’ energy than he wanted to give, but he put one foot in front of the other despite that. McGonagall had asked to speak to him at the end of that morning’s breakfast, and Remus had been sure that she intended to apologize one last time for not being able to find him a job.

The last time they’d spoken about careers, she’d looked upset, so he had dreaded another discussion. But she hadn’t talked about careers with him at all. She had given him a small smile and instructed him to head to Dumbledore’s office.

Remus wasn’t stupid. He had an idea of what he was walking into. Dumbledore had encouraged him to attend Hogwarts, to achieve the education that Dumbledore felt he deserved, and he had known, somewhere inside of him, that Dumbledore would try to step in when he was unable to find a job.

The talk of Dumbledore building a force against Voldemort weighed heavily on his mind with each step.

He muttered the password twice when the first time was too strangled for the gargoyle to make sense of the word.

After months of listening to James and Sirius chatter on about wanting to join Dumbledore, it felt wrong for Remus to make the journey to Dumbledore’s office without them, but it was only him who had been requested. James and Sirius would be sitting in the common room wondering what McGonagall had wanted from him.

He only hesitated for a second before he knocked. The answering, “Come in,” was immediate, and he found Dumbledore behind his desk when he entered, looking as regal as always.

“Remus, nice to see you again.”

Remus tried to answer the man’s smile with one of his own, but it was hesitant.

“You too, sir.”

He took the empty chair Dumbledore motioned towards, clenching his hands together in his lap to keep himself from fidgeting.

“I’ll try not to keep you too long. Your friends are undoubtedly still celebrating the completion of your N.E.W.T.s. I want to offer you my congratulations as well. I may not know your results, but I am confident that they will be as excellent as always.”

Remus felt heat rise to his cheeks. Even after knowing Dumbledore for seven years, being complimented by him was hard to take.

“Thank you, sir. I hope so.”

Dumbledore was quiet for a few moments as he handled a weird instrument on his desk that Remus couldn’t identify. Remus chewed on his bottom lip, debating telling Dumbledore what he’d been thinking about recently. What he’d been thinking about for the past seven years, really. He wanted to thank the man for allowing him to come to Hogwarts, for going the extra mile of accommodating him, for giving him the opportunity to make friends, if nothing else.

The words didn’t come. The idea of actually saying something made tears threaten to roll down his cheeks, so he kept his mouth shut until Dumbledore finished whatever he was doing and looked at him again with a smile.

“By now, I imagine it would be foolish to assume that you haven’t heard talk of the Order of the Phoenix.”

Remus shifted in his chair. His eyes on the unidentifiable instrument.

“Only rumours,” Remus admitted. “There’s no real way of knowing what’s true or not.”

“You can likely work out most of the truth,” Dumbledore said. “Not all of it, but most of it. The basic idea behind it is quite simple: We fight against Voldemort,” he ignored Remus’ cringe at the name, “in whatever ways we can. We do what the Ministry is often unwilling to do in its desire to appear politically neutral. It’s an organization composed of people whom I trust above all others.”

“James and Sirius want to join,” Remus said. “They’ve been talking about it all year. The only thing they want to do is fight.”

“I had expected as much,” Dumbledore said, an amused smile on his lips. “The pair of them are always willing to stand up for what they deem is right, even if it’s not always the safest option. It’s both a desirable trait in the world as it currently is and one to be cautioned.”

“Will you let them join? Even if they’ve just graduated?”

Dumbledore’s smile dipped into a frown.

“There are many circumstances I wish I could change. One of them is the way the war affects everyone it touches. If there were a way for you and your friends to have the proper life of young adults that you deserve, I’d want you to have it, but I’m afraid there isn’t while Tom Riddle is creating terror in the world. For that reason and because I know Mr Potter and Mr Black would fight regardless of whether I allowed them to, I will not prevent them from joining should they choose to do so.”

He templed his fingers, looking at Remus over them.

“And you, Remus? How do you feel about joining the Order?”

He frowned, staring intently at the edge of Dumbledore’s desk.

“I’ll fight,” he said, voice wavering. “I don’t think I’ll ever be as enthusiastic about it as James and Sirius, but like you said, it’s not like I have much choice. There’s nothing else for me to do, and I’d appreciate living in a world where a sizeable chunk of the population isn’t trying to kill me.”

Dumbledore was silent until Remus looked at him. There was no happiness in his eyes over his offer being accepted. He stood, holding out a slip of parchment to Remus from across the desk.

“This is the location of our meetings. The next will be on July 1st should you choose to attend. Your friends must read the parchment as well, but I ask that you destroy it immediately after. In the wrong hands, that paper could be the Order’s downfall.”

Remus slipped the piece of parchment into his pocket, where it felt like a lead weight weighing him down.

“Yes, sir.”

“Show only the people you trust. If they have kept your secret without threat of punishment, then I trust them with this.”

With one final nod, Remus hurried from the office, sure that the parchment was creating a bulge in his robes that anyone could see.

* * *

The parchment burnt a hole in Remus’ pocket until that night when he knew he didn’t have much time before they left the castle in the morning. He knew he had to get it over with. Each second the parchment existed, it was a safety risk, and Remus wanted to get rid of that fear, even if it meant creating new ones in its place.

He watched from the end of his bed as the other Marauders and Lily crowded over the parchment and read the address Dumbledore had printed upon it in a careful script. Sirius smirked as he sat down beside Remus. As Peter took a seat across from them on his own bed, Lily set the parchment aflame, and all five of them watched it disintegrate in the air.

“Frankly,” Sirius began, “I’m appalled that Dumbledore only felt the need to personally invite you, Moony. I have half a mind to turn him down until he comes to me himself.”

“Yeah, right, Padfoot,” Remus replied. “I’m sure your feelings are Dumbledore’s utmost priority at the moment.”

Sirius shrugged, brightening as he tugged close with an arm around his waist. Remus’ heart quickened, though the gesture wasn’t enough to rid him of the anxiety that had settled in his stomach.

“This is it,” Sirius said. His smile was wide, even as the others looked back with far more serious expressions. “Tomorrow, we’re free of this place. We’ll be full-fledged members of the Order in no time at all. We’ll actually get to do good in the world.”

James offered Sirius a grin. Remus watched him closely, wondering at how subdued he appeared when he’d been as gungho as Sirius about being able to fight.

“Right, not much time at all,” James said.

Lily took his hand and gave it a squeeze in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And...that's the end! Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this! I really appreciate it.
> 
> As you can see, I went ahead and added this story to a series. There will be a sequel to this that picks up directly where this one left off, so if you want to know when I post that, you can subscribe to the series. 
> 
> That being said, I just started working on a Remus/Tonks story set during the Harry Potter books, and that will probably be up first. I'm planning to make that story fit with this one (meaning lots of Remus/Sirius in that story as well), so I may actually add it to the series as well. You can read it or not, but the 'real' sequel will definitely come after that one.


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